I'm a fucking drama queen! So it was a bad day/week whatever! Serveral things threw me back to the 'punish yourself' stage and of course I punish with eating. I am so concious of that this morning I almost have it under contol.
So lets see, there was the serious of work emaisl intimating I could do better when I have worked my arse off. I put in extra hours I never claimed for and I wont because I wanted my training to be awesome! I wont nag people for worksheets when they are volunteers and if I push too hard they will run away. I wont do anything to jepardise my success BUT it isn't going fast enough for some. So it is thrown back on me that I can work smarter. I am smart! BUT now I think am I too slow, have I got it wrong, am I good enough????? Now I feel like shit, am doubting myself and second guessing. This sux and I am sad that everyone around me is sad for other things, and I listen and I try to be helpful, thoughtful, thought provoking, anything that will get us through another day. I try to support them. It is draining and I am wondering right at this minute who supports me? So I dont feel worthy or good enough. And nothing anyone says right at this moment will change my self concept because my dad spent years ensuring I would feel this way. I fight years of brainwashing (or was it brainwashing she asks herself, lump in throat).
Roll in home life, supposed haven and soft place to fall but it isn't. Everyone here is yelling, no one helps anyone and yes, failure as a mother springs to mind. Failure as a wife, as a provider, as a housecleaner, as a person! Drama queen maybe but this is seriously hurting me and I want to punish myself for being such a failure. There is chocolate in the fridge, Jason put it there yesterday, he will yell at me if I eat it thereby making me feel even worse about me.
And then there is the chest pain. I didn't run this morning, no SSS for me because I am scared and maybe just a bit lazy. Afterall I am failing at everything else why not this as well. If I could only do push ups until I was dead..........now for the self loathing, enough to have those terrible suicical thoughts, and they are real make not mistake. I have fought this for years, exercise helps but right now I am paralyised with fear and self loathing and an overwhelming sense of failure.
I stuggle that we are a week of from kick off, I have done this three times before and I am still struggling. Still! God when does it all become natural, could someone just help me find my internal switch. Why the hell am I so resistant? Why, after loosing 30kg last year do I still feel a failure at this?????
I hope I am at least fit enough for a fun run, give me something to really work towards. I may have to forgo the Hoffy Burpee Challenge madness but I'll be buggared if I will give up the fun run.
Now if my motivation to eat right was even closely as there as the running I would nail this. I need to nail this! I just need to do it! Please let me have at least one thing I am good at. I need at least one success.
My 12wbt Round 1 2011 goal
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
didn't weigh in.............not in the weighing mood
Oh yeah, the day got better and worse and better and worse and life is truly a roller coaster but it is not supposed to be all of that in one day. As I reflected on this morning's post I was left wondering still as to what exactly my problem was but I did know that I was out of control, I had Jason not do what I thought he should, I cannot do the exercise that I want to and life at work got down and dirty with bitchiness that I dont want to be a part of but I am by default while I try to work out why it is happening and give support to my colleagues. All in all, an emotional roller coaster. Riding the waves is not as easy as it has been in the past. And culturally speaking food is often the way we connect with others. Is this an excuse? Not really, it is my job to find that connection with others and if I have to do that with food then that is the expectation. I hate myself for it, I need to find yet more compromises. I have to say though, that while I do this for connectedness I overdo it for my greed! Yes, I could stop at one biscuit, but I stop at six. I could stop at a bit of a biccie and make it last but I stop at six.
I must regain control of my life! regain control of my eating! regain control of my exercising. After three rounds with Michelle helping me get into the drivers seat I seemed to have fallen into the back seat and I am hurtling out of control. Seriously I cant even say this started Saturday with the chest pain, that is just when it became clearer, the feeling of out-of-controledness. hmmmmmmmmmm! Help me, I am falling in a heap.
So, the start of getting my life back on track was to begin the exercise again. I ran this afternoon, I never run in the afternoon but it was somewhere to start. I only ran a short distance and ran around the park with the kids. I killed off 230 calories but given the amount of liquorice I consumed I doubt it made much of a difference to my weight. Thank God it makes a difference to my mind set. Well it was a start. Now to get through the night! And another day tomorrow where I can get back into it and NO MORE BLOODY EXCUSES. They really dont help.
I must regain control of my life! regain control of my eating! regain control of my exercising. After three rounds with Michelle helping me get into the drivers seat I seemed to have fallen into the back seat and I am hurtling out of control. Seriously I cant even say this started Saturday with the chest pain, that is just when it became clearer, the feeling of out-of-controledness. hmmmmmmmmmm! Help me, I am falling in a heap.
So, the start of getting my life back on track was to begin the exercise again. I ran this afternoon, I never run in the afternoon but it was somewhere to start. I only ran a short distance and ran around the park with the kids. I killed off 230 calories but given the amount of liquorice I consumed I doubt it made much of a difference to my weight. Thank God it makes a difference to my mind set. Well it was a start. Now to get through the night! And another day tomorrow where I can get back into it and NO MORE BLOODY EXCUSES. They really dont help.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
dont post when I feel I have been bad
You see, I think I am always going to be an emotional eater AND when I do that I feel even worse about myself and I dont blog and I dont go on the forums or twitter or even facebook. I feel bad! I am not so sure that 12wbt helps with this or makes me feel worse. When you make a commitment and you are not doing the hard work and you are finding the excuses everything falls apart and then................I eat. Is that a surprise. So how to get out of this funk. Maybe I need more solutions to those excuses. A big one right now is 'it hasn't started yet' just one more week wont hurt but of course I am not going in the right direction of weightloss. And why do all these other 12wbters go in the right direction while I am being left behind.
YOu know I am watching TBL for the first time ever and I am crying a lot through it. Unfortunately I recognise myself in the Sharlene's and the Greg's and after all this time I would very much like to know why I am not further along in my mind changing process.
I still want health and longevity as my main focus and goal. It is really important to me, but sometimes that damn demon black dog gets hold and sometimes that means I dont want longevity at all. When those chest pains struck I was readying myself to die, I couldn't move and no one was running for the telephone to get help. I still dont know why no one actually cared but I stopped caring about myself again now. And it is making me feel dreadful. I am crying now because I finally realised just how much this hurts me. No one actually cared when I thought I was dieing and the next day when the pain was still there and I called for my own help and I went to the hospital my husband came and slept beside me. I dont think anyone cares if I live or die, so why should I?
Who am I do ing this for anyway? I think it is time to reevaluate everything. I am stuck. AND I am eating along with my stuckedness. I have a dreadful feeling this is going to be a very very hard round if I keep blogging and being so honest. Now I have a headache and I cant stop crying. Great day!
YOu know I am watching TBL for the first time ever and I am crying a lot through it. Unfortunately I recognise myself in the Sharlene's and the Greg's and after all this time I would very much like to know why I am not further along in my mind changing process.
I still want health and longevity as my main focus and goal. It is really important to me, but sometimes that damn demon black dog gets hold and sometimes that means I dont want longevity at all. When those chest pains struck I was readying myself to die, I couldn't move and no one was running for the telephone to get help. I still dont know why no one actually cared but I stopped caring about myself again now. And it is making me feel dreadful. I am crying now because I finally realised just how much this hurts me. No one actually cared when I thought I was dieing and the next day when the pain was still there and I called for my own help and I went to the hospital my husband came and slept beside me. I dont think anyone cares if I live or die, so why should I?
Who am I do ing this for anyway? I think it is time to reevaluate everything. I am stuck. AND I am eating along with my stuckedness. I have a dreadful feeling this is going to be a very very hard round if I keep blogging and being so honest. Now I have a headache and I cant stop crying. Great day!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Where have I been and why chest pain makes for a bitch of a day
Well I am buggared and thats the truth. I can barely keep my eyes open and it is 7am. No blogging for a few days, been working so damn hard and then there was the chest pain...............now that makes for a bitch of a day (or two).
Friday, not sure if I ate well, it was so long ago but I certainly exercised well and I like that. I didn't go as far but I did go and that makes me always feel like the day will be good. And it had its up and downs but it was inspiring too which led me to a night on the computer making "family strength cards" for my training the next day and it only took me to midnight (eecccckkkkk). Roll into Saturday.
And I am off but not running because there is so much to do when you work on a weekend. Life does not stop and so I got up and houseworked and prepared a little more for my training. I train people to be specialist foster carers, damn fine job people. And after I have trained them, I train them more to be even better carers. One of the most rewarding jobs in the history of mankind but it would be very very cool if my job was not needed, just imagine a world where no child was hurt, abused, neglected or denied their basic rights. Now that would be a world worth living in. But alas, I digress. I did not overeat, I was up and moving, I was high on adrenalin and I was loving my day BUT then it was over and I came home. A headache appeared from no where so pain killers were in order. My shoulders felt tight so my darling daughter massaged my shoulders for about 30minutes (this kid is nine, she is awesome). And I dosed but came too with chest pain, pain that intensified until I couldn't move in my bed. My husband asked if I wanted an ambulance but I was convinced I was going to die by then and I wanted to stay with the children and reassure them I loved them just they way they are. It seemed important and Jason wasn't racing for the phone so I figured he wasn't that worried. Inside me the pain was like a pressure bandage that was get tighter from all angles. Surprisingly after about half an hour the pain began to subside and I slept. I was woken for dinner and with eyes half shut I ate flavourless food from a Chinese shop. I cannot say what the calories were, I can say that I didn't enjoy it and would trade for one of Michelle Bridges amazing Asian recipes any day of the week. I went back to bed, tired, worn out and worried.
Roll into Sunday and I am up and still tired and sore but not letting on because I am back to the housework and back into training the applicants in what it is to provide foster care. I am still loving it and I am ignoring any niggling pain because I am at work and a trainer and I am upbeat when I train. No one wants to be trained by the boring voice of an automaton.
I came home and the pain was still there. Now this cannot be right. I have now not exercised since Friday morning and it is Sunday night and I feel like shit. I telephone 13HEALTH and tell them what is been going on. Next thing I know I have two ambulances 'taking me seriously' and worrying even though I say surely this is just anxiety because I am in the midst of training. Nonetheless I dont feel anxious and I dont understand. Nice one, a night at the hospital, always goes well on an empty stomach. Cause when they say no food or water suddenly you are so thirsty and hungry it hurts.
So the outcome, and I bet you couldn't wait! but I made you anyway because the mark of a good training is to hold their attention to the last minute..........can I swear? yes I believe I can..........fucking chest pain is muscle/skeletal quite possibly from doing push ups, tricep dips and burpees followed by moving furniture. This serioulsy bites! I feel worse about this than a bloody heart attack I think. To not be able to do these exercises until it heals, fuck fuck fuck. Now that my friends is all I have to say on that.
NO I did not get up and run this morning. I am washed out and tired. I am so bloody tired and now to the grocery shopping (or dear is that lifting????? of course it bloody is but you can bet your boots there will be no help from anyone for me because I may not be able to exercise but I still have to look after this family). Lucky me, lucky lucky me.
Does anyone pickup my sense of desperation?
Friday, not sure if I ate well, it was so long ago but I certainly exercised well and I like that. I didn't go as far but I did go and that makes me always feel like the day will be good. And it had its up and downs but it was inspiring too which led me to a night on the computer making "family strength cards" for my training the next day and it only took me to midnight (eecccckkkkk). Roll into Saturday.
And I am off but not running because there is so much to do when you work on a weekend. Life does not stop and so I got up and houseworked and prepared a little more for my training. I train people to be specialist foster carers, damn fine job people. And after I have trained them, I train them more to be even better carers. One of the most rewarding jobs in the history of mankind but it would be very very cool if my job was not needed, just imagine a world where no child was hurt, abused, neglected or denied their basic rights. Now that would be a world worth living in. But alas, I digress. I did not overeat, I was up and moving, I was high on adrenalin and I was loving my day BUT then it was over and I came home. A headache appeared from no where so pain killers were in order. My shoulders felt tight so my darling daughter massaged my shoulders for about 30minutes (this kid is nine, she is awesome). And I dosed but came too with chest pain, pain that intensified until I couldn't move in my bed. My husband asked if I wanted an ambulance but I was convinced I was going to die by then and I wanted to stay with the children and reassure them I loved them just they way they are. It seemed important and Jason wasn't racing for the phone so I figured he wasn't that worried. Inside me the pain was like a pressure bandage that was get tighter from all angles. Surprisingly after about half an hour the pain began to subside and I slept. I was woken for dinner and with eyes half shut I ate flavourless food from a Chinese shop. I cannot say what the calories were, I can say that I didn't enjoy it and would trade for one of Michelle Bridges amazing Asian recipes any day of the week. I went back to bed, tired, worn out and worried.
Roll into Sunday and I am up and still tired and sore but not letting on because I am back to the housework and back into training the applicants in what it is to provide foster care. I am still loving it and I am ignoring any niggling pain because I am at work and a trainer and I am upbeat when I train. No one wants to be trained by the boring voice of an automaton.
I came home and the pain was still there. Now this cannot be right. I have now not exercised since Friday morning and it is Sunday night and I feel like shit. I telephone 13HEALTH and tell them what is been going on. Next thing I know I have two ambulances 'taking me seriously' and worrying even though I say surely this is just anxiety because I am in the midst of training. Nonetheless I dont feel anxious and I dont understand. Nice one, a night at the hospital, always goes well on an empty stomach. Cause when they say no food or water suddenly you are so thirsty and hungry it hurts.
So the outcome, and I bet you couldn't wait! but I made you anyway because the mark of a good training is to hold their attention to the last minute..........can I swear? yes I believe I can..........fucking chest pain is muscle/skeletal quite possibly from doing push ups, tricep dips and burpees followed by moving furniture. This serioulsy bites! I feel worse about this than a bloody heart attack I think. To not be able to do these exercises until it heals, fuck fuck fuck. Now that my friends is all I have to say on that.
NO I did not get up and run this morning. I am washed out and tired. I am so bloody tired and now to the grocery shopping (or dear is that lifting????? of course it bloody is but you can bet your boots there will be no help from anyone for me because I may not be able to exercise but I still have to look after this family). Lucky me, lucky lucky me.
Does anyone pickup my sense of desperation?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Feeling fat tonight
Not that I was bad I just feel massively bloated and generally yuck.
Got up and ran and did 3.5 x 16 superset (got the half for only having time to do eight on the last one) and smashed 389calories. It felt good to get out there and I really am water proof, didn't melt at all when it began to rain. This is and always will be the best way to start a day.
Eating was bad througout morning tea and afternoon tea was hardly better involving chocolate m n ms. Crap things but I was feeling so friggin low from shit at work I hardly noticed. And the darling new 12wbter, Selina tried to get me to think happy thoughts but I didn't have any left, all run dry.
Did good at dinner though and after dinner when I craved sweet I went for the frozen blue berries instead of the frozen icecream! I am proud of me for my little win.
If only I didn't feel so fat.
The Biggest Loser made me cry a bit. Seeing how upset Michelle was with her weight gain and then again with wearing those weights. Damn near broke my heart. She really does care about us all, we are so lucky to be on her team. I am meeting her half way or at least giving it my best shot.
Got up and ran and did 3.5 x 16 superset (got the half for only having time to do eight on the last one) and smashed 389calories. It felt good to get out there and I really am water proof, didn't melt at all when it began to rain. This is and always will be the best way to start a day.
Eating was bad througout morning tea and afternoon tea was hardly better involving chocolate m n ms. Crap things but I was feeling so friggin low from shit at work I hardly noticed. And the darling new 12wbter, Selina tried to get me to think happy thoughts but I didn't have any left, all run dry.
Did good at dinner though and after dinner when I craved sweet I went for the frozen blue berries instead of the frozen icecream! I am proud of me for my little win.
If only I didn't feel so fat.
The Biggest Loser made me cry a bit. Seeing how upset Michelle was with her weight gain and then again with wearing those weights. Damn near broke my heart. She really does care about us all, we are so lucky to be on her team. I am meeting her half way or at least giving it my best shot.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A little weight loss, a lot of happiness
Oh what a day. We started by running,no excuses friends and even though the asthma kicked in I didn't give up, I walked but I didn't give up. The coughing started so I knew it was time to listen to the body and walking is not all bad. then of course the bowels kicked in and I knew it was time to cut the run/walk short. None the less it was 379calories smashed and I am happy with that. It did mean I was off to a late start but all in all I was happy.
I got home to a weigh in. Bless those damn scales witha 1.2kg weight loss this week. Now I am still not at my end of round 3 2010 weight but it was a loss and that is the right direction. Thank you bootcamp and running! Exercise rocks. And even though I have been exploring my excuses and not always eating healthy I still do my best to do my best (LOL, blonde moment). No, I am all about giving it a go. I am so damn happy with a weight loss.
Roll on the rest of my day and there may have been a small cake after lunch and some frozen yoghurt after dinner but garunteed it was still around 1200cals for the day. A good day, a happy day! A day of exercise, of predominantly healthy eating (thank you Jason for the deliciously cooked snapper), a day of friends, a day of work and a day of rest, a day of fun, a day of thoughts, a day thinking about how Michelle has changed my life and with her help I will continue to transform into the best version of me.
THIS WAS A HAPPY 12WBT DAY!
I got home to a weigh in. Bless those damn scales witha 1.2kg weight loss this week. Now I am still not at my end of round 3 2010 weight but it was a loss and that is the right direction. Thank you bootcamp and running! Exercise rocks. And even though I have been exploring my excuses and not always eating healthy I still do my best to do my best (LOL, blonde moment). No, I am all about giving it a go. I am so damn happy with a weight loss.
Roll on the rest of my day and there may have been a small cake after lunch and some frozen yoghurt after dinner but garunteed it was still around 1200cals for the day. A good day, a happy day! A day of exercise, of predominantly healthy eating (thank you Jason for the deliciously cooked snapper), a day of friends, a day of work and a day of rest, a day of fun, a day of thoughts, a day thinking about how Michelle has changed my life and with her help I will continue to transform into the best version of me.
THIS WAS A HAPPY 12WBT DAY!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
A no excuses day: a no exercise day
hmmm, well it was a clean eating day,no icecream, no silliness and the best best best vegie stir fry with oyster sauce, thank you Michelle Bridges and your Crunchtime book. I haven't met a recipe I didn't like yet. There was no left overs, even the kids loved it so it was a big time winner.
A little bit of chocolate passed my lips but I avoided all other temptation turning to prunes (may regret that soon as my tummy is rejecting something) instead of crap. I even passed up the vending machine even though bullets were at the front. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS that would appear to be the key to it all for me. It is a good thing to learn, lets see how long I can last on happy thoughts.
Hey wouldn't it be awesome to get skinny on happy thoughts. Oh whats your secret Ruth? Happy Thoughts! No I mean are you dieting? Yes, on happy thoughts! Oh all right of course I will be saying 'happy thoughts and 12wbt'. I am starting to feel more confident at being able to get through but can I get back to you. I am about to train carers all weekend and it is fully catered and I have a tendency to love free food. Lets call it a red flag and figure out how the hell I am going to manage!!! May be time to enlist some help.
happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
I wanna run tomorrow, lets see if I can find an excuse not to go. Getting my gear ready tonight so that wont be one of them.
A little bit of chocolate passed my lips but I avoided all other temptation turning to prunes (may regret that soon as my tummy is rejecting something) instead of crap. I even passed up the vending machine even though bullets were at the front. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS that would appear to be the key to it all for me. It is a good thing to learn, lets see how long I can last on happy thoughts.
Hey wouldn't it be awesome to get skinny on happy thoughts. Oh whats your secret Ruth? Happy Thoughts! No I mean are you dieting? Yes, on happy thoughts! Oh all right of course I will be saying 'happy thoughts and 12wbt'. I am starting to feel more confident at being able to get through but can I get back to you. I am about to train carers all weekend and it is fully catered and I have a tendency to love free food. Lets call it a red flag and figure out how the hell I am going to manage!!! May be time to enlist some help.
happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
I wanna run tomorrow, lets see if I can find an excuse not to go. Getting my gear ready tonight so that wont be one of them.
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