My 12wbt Round 1 2011 goal

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Words don't come easy

There are plenty of us who are struggling to find the words to explain the experience that Emma brought to Brisbane with the help of Sam, with her Emazon Chronicles Stand Your Ground Seminar. And I am kind of the same and yet I want to share what I learned about me, but words just aren't coming easy. It is an experience difficult to share because it is really personal and probably different for everyone.

First thing I realised is that she understood what was going through our heads, in unison, as one she seemed to know what we were thinking and feeling and experiencing but the explanation came later and I had one of those light bulb moments. An understanding so ridiculously simple that I get it for all other aspects of my life except about 'me'. As I said hard to explain.

Then there was the fighting, the punching, the elbows, the pain, the brusing, the power, the will, the inner strength, the purpose, the assuredness, the intuitive me. Again hard to explain. How do you tell someone what it feels like to hit with such force the person goes backward, and the need to protect yourself outways your need for passivity, the ability to break a nose, to fight an attacker, to be centered and calm and wait for the perfect moment, to stand your ground, so foriegn. No words describe the feeling of knowing you can hit a target with your eyes shut, to be that centred, that focused, that intuitive. Who was the person I was unleashing?

And then a new look at me, the one who could run without stopping, the one who loves the freedom that running brings, the one who can choose and say yes to all that is good and no to all that does not work for me, the one who is empowered by a 'red' me who, if I let take control, can be angry, sad, happy but with a happiness that far outweighs the bad feelings that sometimes take control. There is a part of me that knows when things are not right and will fight out and yell and try to be heard, this part of me that I have drugged rather than let free. I have drugged this part of me with food, with antidepressants, with alcohol. I have subdued and surpressed this part for fear and self doubt. I do not wish to quieten this part anymore, this part of me that knows what is right, this part of me that will make good choices for me. She will no longer be silent.

I went for a run this morning and for the first time in months I ran 5km without stopping because this inner part of me wanted to, she wanted to feel empowered and when I was done, I knew I could keep going. I am so much stronger than I knew (or let myself know or let myself believe).

So you see, a whole heap of mumbo jumbo, unless of course you were there and experienced the unleashing of a whole bunch of powerful, intuitive, sassy women. I was there! I am so blessed to have been a part of it. Thank you to the lovely Angela for making it happen. Thank you for bringing Jill to capture the experience in the most amazing photos. I cannot explain how much of my past was healed in those three hours. There are no words.

From this I know that I need to quieten my inner me and listen to her, what is the right choice for me, what will make me happy???? She knows and it sure isn't going to be what I find in the fridge or the freezer or the bottle shop or the lolly isle of the local Coles. It isn't in fighting with my husband or my kids. I have so much to impart to my kids. So when Miss 11 was so upset and angry and I asked her what would make her happy in that moment she knew, and she came and hugged me and I know there is so much more than just myself to heal, I have an opportunity to teach my children so much more than what our society and culture as repesented in mulit media want for us.

How do I find the words to explain but more importantly how do I find the words to thank Emma for bringing this new world of understanding to me.

1 comment:

  1. Ruth

    What a lovely post. I didn't go to Emazon as I didn't think I was physically up to it (in a fitness sense). It sounds as if you got SO much out of it and it was exactly what you needed.

    You've come so far. Don't ever forget that!

    (And you were back with more encouragement Sat morning at Zenergy!)