My 12wbt Round 1 2011 goal

Friday, April 8, 2011

Is perfectionism getting in the way?

Well after much soul searching, seeing myself in TBLs Lara, madly eating after my weigh in this week I got to thinking WHY? Why was it, when I was so close to goal did I give up working out and start binging? What happened to me, why did I close down and give up on the dreams, possibilities, goals.

After talking this morning with other 12wbters I found that this was not so uncommon for anyone who has a lot to loose (weight that is) so the question remains why do we do it? Here are some of my thoughts on what I have discovered:

1. Perfectionism gets in the way. Have messy house anyone, possibly because if you cant do it right why bother. We set oursleves up. No more true than loosing weight. Suddenly in sight of goal, pretty sure it is going to happen, when self doubt creeps in, perfectionism comes next and then you are saying ‘why bother because I am only going to fail anyway’.

2. We feel like we deserve it. A bit of complacency slips in! Oh yes it does. The feeling of having done so well and thinking one little bit wont hurt or missing one training session doesn’t matter and before you know it you miss two and eat a little more chocolate. Dont we deserve more.

3. We begin to wonder if we are a fraud if there is no more too loose and what would life be like without this program. True for me, started to worry about post 12wbt days because after a year and I dont know if I could do it on my own. So if I dont loose the last 5kg I wont have to loose 12wbt. Perhaps irrational but nonetheless valid for a scared brain.

4.A combination of all of the above which is where I am right now. So I ate the chocolate and it didn’t touch the sides, I ate so quick I didn’t even taste it. Sitting here right now I know I would have enjoyed it so much better slower and with a cup of camomile tea.

So now that I know why I need to work out how to move past it.

I wanted to share because I thought I might not be alone. Well I know Lara (TBL) is with me, who else is struggling?

The honest truth about the binging

Yes, I watched TBL this week and I saw Lara's binge after her success on the catwalk. This is the binge that happens when you get scared of the weight loss and you cant quite figure it out. It has been happening to me since Wednesday's weigh in. I am three kilo out from my preseaon goal and five kilo out from a healthy weight loss. It was actually happening with a 2kg weight loss followed by a 1.9kg weight loss the next week. They are pretty damn awesome numbers I was pulling and every part of me believed I could do it so why then did I feel the need to eat everything sweet and still do. My stomach is bloated from dried fruit and is pushing up against my lungs and other internals so that I actually feel pain. There is no doubt that the lollies, the cheese and biccies, the excessive fruit, chocolate, the dried fruit and the forme are all sitting rigth on top of my breakfast of two peices of toast and then there was the pizza. A huge pizza which was predominantly vegies but still it was huge and I ate my way through it. Yesterday was not much different with lollies and excessive yoplait. I have no idea what has got into me so the question is:

WHY WHEN YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO YOUR GOAL, WHEN YOU HAVE ACHIEVED A MODACOM OF SUCCESS, DO WE MAKE STUPID FOOD CHOICES ~ LIKE SELF SABOTAGE, A LITTLE BIT OF SELF LOATHING CREEPS IN, SO WHY WHY WHY DO WE DO IT? Lara did it and I did it (before I saw her do it people but I saw myself in what she did and I wondered.............WHY)? It is nonsense of course and yet I still would eat the chocolate or the icecream right now if it was in the house. It's madness. Why am I self sabotaging?

Anyone got an answer? Anyone know how to get it under control?

And no I wont work it off because I haven't exercised since before I weighed in. If it is a life long, life style change, why did I fall back into my old ways?

To find the answers to this could be the difference between me going back to being tree stumpy or being a hot muma. I want to be the hot muma.

anyone out there got an answer?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Brain drain

Well we are up to week 7 weigh in tomorrow. The hardest thing this round is surprisingly giving up my diet soft drink (pepsi max predominantly). I still crave it but I am staying strong and it seems to be true that in not having it the cravings for other sweet things have deminished. It is still a struggle but really having my colleague doing this with me gives me incentive to try to help us both keep to the clean eating plan. Imagine my horror when I found her eating twisties, but alas I digress from my tale of becoming thinner in body and mind. So yes, the soft drink is finally out of my life. I eye the burbon off from time to time and think about how lovely and smooth it would taste as it slipped down my throat, but no, not just yet. I must get rid of the cravings first.

My weigh in last week showed a two kilo loss. I almost fell over and could not believe how stunned I felt. I mean seriously, who looses that much in a week? The girl who gave up soft drink I guess. No idea what tomorrow's weigh in will bring but I never expect one that big again. Nonetheless we are half way to goal at the half way point. Made me happy.

What also makes me happy is how many people comment on my new figure. That is, those who regularly comment on how good I look, how much weight I have lost, how skinny I look etc etc except for the hubby who says I am skin and bone. I am not of course, skin and bones that is, but he thinks so because he is used to me being bigger, hell I am smaller now than when I married him. He loves me just the way I am, pretty sure that hasn't changed even though I am changing to become a so much better version of me. Anyways, I love the comments, perhaps the 'fat girl' should start listening.

Yes people I still see myself as the fat girl. I really do. And I worry about the size of my stomach and the hanging skin and the fat fat fat I can see. No one else seems to see it. No I am not anorexic, not by a long shot. According to me I still have 7 kilos to get to a healthy BMI but I would be happy with another 5kg weight loss. Really I would. I am a size 12 now, and even fit in some 10s. It makes no sense to me how I can be that small but still be overweight. No idea how they work this out. And another thing, I have no doubt that dress sizes have changed. When I was a size 12 before I was smaller, I am sure of it. Admittedly that is more than 20 years ago, more like 25 years if I am honest, but still dress sizes have definitely increased. I am all for it of course but it is a bit confusing.

So that is where I am at. Recording EVERYTHING I eat and all my exercise. Smashing it up for real at the gym last Saturday and intending to do the same this weekend with gym and the bootcamp. Loving the food too and definitely staying on track with that.

So much to loose, so much to gain...........Michelle Bridges 12wbt is freaking awesome.