Excuses, excuses oh and yet more excuses

So I finally am beginning to see the bigger picture. And the excuses are ALL on the food! No wonder I got this way and no wonder I am struggling to change. I am full of damn excuses and I pull 'em out one by one and sometimes, get this, sometimes, I suppress them so I can do what I want to do because to logically think 'what is the excuse I am using' would mean I would have to find a solution so to not think about it means I dont have to find a solution and away I go stuffing my face with crap.

So what happened today???? At morning tea out came the cheese and biccies and it was 11.20am and I was hungry because it was close to lunch time so I LET myself eat it including the cake. Maybe that was controlable and maybe it wasn't and I certainly didn't eat lunch so perhaps the damage was not too severe but maybe it was. Best not to think! Dont think about it and it wont make you fat! If only that worked.

Dinner came and went without me so I pulled out my trusty tuna meals and 400cals later it wasn't ALL bad given I had not snacked, good for me. So then what happened?????

I was sitting thinking maybe some frozen yogurt would hit the sweet spot so I got me a small serve, which would have been alright, except for I smothered it with strawberry topping. Why? Well I just didn't want to think. Three fucking bowls later and I was thinking and none of it was pleasant. Things like:

* just one more bowl
* when its gone I wont have to worry about this anymore
* its Jason fault, he shouldn't have bought it
* I can work this stuff off and Jason cant so I may as well eat it
* it will serve Jason right after bringing this stuff in my house

Who the hell was I hurting here? Just me. Anyone want to help with the solutions?

* no bowl would be better
* I could pour the damn stuff out
* pouring it out and Jason could pay that way
* I am not responsible for Jason but I am for me and I deserve better
* Jason has to learn in his own time

Why, why do I do this to myself? Why do I think I can fix this? Why do I think I can wait until week one starts? Why am I not getting into this now?

I have a long way to go but right now I need to add more excuses to my damn long, and ever growing, list.

I hate my eating issues. When does it become a disorder. Surely that was tantamount to binging!!!!!

Pain in Paradise!

OMG I am so glad we started again for the year. As with the forums closing last year and bootcamp stopping for Christmas I was so deeply lonely and saddened. I didn't even realise how much I loved this stuff until they started agagin. And Pain in Paradise bootcamp was freaking rocking! We have grown from worrying we would get the minimum number of five to a whopping 26 participants this morning. I looked at my dear friends Angela and Kimberley and was so very very happy. And then to look around and see old friends, Karen and Selina, old friends new to 12wbt, Lisa and then just masses of new 12wbters who will, with luck, all be friends in the making. A blessing.

We ran, jumped, frogged, crunched, sandbaged, push-uped, laughed and laughed some more, inspired and cheered and encouraged. I love what we have going and I love that we share it. Fortnightly bootcamps are back at New Farm Park and I could not be happier.

Smashed 645cals!

There is talk of Redland bootcamps coming our way soon. On the other fortnight and on a Saturday. Angela is so going to be looking out for our 12wbt family and give us even more opportunities to share training. Got your back girlfriend, you are not on your own in this. I am on the northside but can see myself trekking down from time to time to keep an eye on things and smash are more cals.

So back to my issues with emotional eating, its true, that is exactly what I am. As we drove home I felt really miserable, Jason was yelling and carrying on, plenty of miss understandings and really felt like shit which was sad after the bootcamp. I wanted to eat, oh yes I did and it didn't really matter what and I nearly suggested we go to the bakery and get pies and apple slice but I didn't. He shut up and I went into my own little dream world of bootcamp bliss and I didn't feel like eating anymore. I had a little smile on my face and I was happy. So now to try to make myself feel that way when I dont feel anything but misery and sad. Can I, I can try, I really can. Think happy thoughts and you really do feel like you can fly. Maybe my new mantra should be:

THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS

I will let you know how I go.

On another note the heel spur is driving me insane with pain. I stretched it out before bootcamp and hardly felt it in my heavenly bliss but now, holy cow! My sweet baby girl has massaged it for me, I have stretched a little and Jason has gone to the chemist for some anti inflamatories. I hate heel spurs. Or pain.

And talking about pain, why do I hurt already Andrew the Pip PT? Huh???? Why Why Why???? My legs, my tummy eeeeouchhhhh. This is not in two days, this is same day pain. Gotta love bootcamp.

Eating : Almost under control today and enjoyed some prunes as a treat
Exercise : PiP Bootcamp with the team

LIfe does not get better than this.

oh oh oh and Andrew is going to help Jason start to move again. Wouldn't it be nice to have a husband that is moving forward as well. He almost eats right and now he will be moving a small bit because there is so much injury damage it is going to take a while. Still something is always going to be better than nothing.

LETS HEAR IT FOR BOOT CAMP! RAH RAH RAH!!!

If you keep allowing your emotional brain to overrun logical, you will never regain control.

Michelle told me this yesterday and you know she is dead right.

Today I was having an ok day but my kids were just horrible and I couldn't cope with yelling at them to do their chores anymore so I decided, since I was so miserable with them, I would go to work and do something useful that did not involve my family. BUT I was miserable so when I walked to the newsagent to get my card for the things I was making I picked up a roll of peppermint chocolate. Mish's words were ringing in my ears so I put it back but then my emotion took over and it was 'just one aint gonna hurt' and even though I knew it was gonna hurt I did it anyway. Michelle is so right! It was emotion that picked up that chocolate and emotion that ate it but unfortunately it is my stomach that expanded.

How am I going to break this emotional hold? Sux! Sux big time! And I know it is within my control, I have done this and won but right now I am so damn emotional I want to cry most of the time.

Now dont get me wrong, I loved that chocolate and it was the only bad thing I consumed today and, with icecream in the fridge, that makes me pleased. Still I could have done better for myself.

I can proudly say I ran today, well I ran for 15 minutes before sciatica struck and then I alternated between running and walking then the running getting less as the bowels did their thing. I hate getting old! None the less it was 339 calories burnt and this is more than any other day this week.

Thank God for bootcamp tomorrow!

It's not as easy as I thought it was going to be

It isn't like 12wbt is a magic pill and the weight just starts to drop off. And I am sitting back thinking and letting the excuses come one by one. OK so this morning I woke with a headache, I went to bed with a headache and I woke in the middle of the night with a headache so I didn't exercise this morning yet again. but this time I figure reason not excuse because an increased heart rate would only make the damn headache a migraine. So you would think I would eat clean and be ok with me but of course NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I really hate myself right now. I did yumcha at lunch which is a bit of a mistake all of its own because I eat too much. But then I got back to the office and my pepsi max had disappeared from the fridge (who bloody steals a can of drink from a colleague?) and it just pissed me off. So while looking all over the fridge I found icecream and I decided to get my own back twice, and a jelly and oh looky there was chocolate too. So why did I do that, why eat it? what the hell was I thinking. I was upset and angry and tired and I just didn't think at all. I never heard myself processing what I was doing logically, I was just feeling upset and the food seemed like pay back BUT the only one who got hurt in this was me. I lost my drink, I ate too much, I ate the wrong things. I hurt myself with all of this and I am pretty sure I deserve better.

It has been hard to write this entry. Hard to admit that I am letting myself down. Not really understanding why I am doing it. What has got into me? What is it that I need to move forward. Michelle Bridges where is the bloody magic pill???? What have I missed. Why am I letting myself down. Where is my break through moment because right now I feel like crying and I am pretty sure that is not going to help me much.

Was it a successful day today?

What can I say? No licquorice, no lollies, no icecream, no exercise! I wrote down my new no exercise excuse. I got up and the heel spur was so damn painful I layed back down and sais later, but here it is 8.30pm and later has not come. Climbing the stairs does not count! But I ate clean so that has to count as something AND I went online and found some stretches for the heel I can do before I get out of bed so I shouldn't be able to use that excuse tomorrow AND I told the hubby he better be home on time so I can go running. Oh dear, what if I cant run because a week without running is too much.........shit, anyone hear an excuse coming on? Tomorrow is another day peoples, anything could happen.

NOw my upside is a @200cal breaky, @200cal morning tea, @200cal lunch and an @340cal dinner. No I am not hungry, not worried about it at all but I do have a headache! So this is a clean eating day for me filled with fruit and vegies and Crunchtime roo steak with lentil mash, you should see the photo! Michelle Bridges has the most awesome menus and meals.

OH and I had a very successful day at work too........maybe that helps with being able to control the eating????

So new excuse, written down to add to the list, and clean eating. Not such a bad preseason day.

And today we crashed and burned

I got up and talked myself out of exercising because the husband wasn't home yet so I fell back asleep and when I woke up it was shockingly 7.30am and already bloody hot. So I weighed in.

Now I haven't weighed in since the beginning of the month. I can officially state I gained exactly 3kg since the end of 12wbt weighing in at 81.9kg! Not happy but not sad either, in fact it could have been a lot worse and I decided it was doable to get rid of that before week one of the program. this was what I was thinking this morning and then my day began.

I ate a great brekky at @290 calories and a good lunch at about @190 calories. I was doing great and then I took the children to Red Rooster for lunch and no I didn't buy myself anything, yippee for willpower and then I took them to the park and things got a little tricky.

We played speedminton (thanks Mish and team, great prize!) and we walked and talked and enjoyed ourselves and then I found the liquorice stall. Has anyone noticed how these have popped up everywhere? So I get us all one each but alas Tom asks me to eat his and Sharleigh is not much better so 2.75 straps of liquorice later, lets not go were the calorie count is because that is just dreadful but oh how I love liquorice, let me count the ways (all bar the alsorts actually) and what was my brain thinking......it was thinking just one more treat, just one more before we start.......how about that for stinking thinking! I started this time last year, I already started and one bite would have been sufficient surely but alas no because I would have had to carry it, carry temptation in my hands and not succumb. I am weak, very very weak so in future remind me DO NOT go near the liquorice stall. Stupid me. And then, because I had promised my kids I bought lamingtons but alas and alac Tom wanted me to eat his. Killing me, these kids are killing me. So why not give it to Kira who wanted it? Greed baby, greed. When will I learn?

Now on the upside I was outside, walking around, jumping, running even at one point up a hill and generally not sitting around on the computer so that is good. On the downside I have too many stupid excuses about food.

Australia Day done and dusted and I am probably .5kg bigger.

so then there was dinner, thank God for Crunchtime and the lovely beef roast and vegies. So damn delicious. Loved every mouthful. Michelle Bridges your recipes rock!

Lost my hard drives but still trying to stay positive

It was a big loss to me today. I lost my harddrives on my computer. My 12wbt ebooks gone, photos of me and my 12wbt family gone, everything gone, not just 12wbt related, everything. I had three hard drives and backed one up from the other etc but no, fried all the hard drives supposedly. My budget gone (I use this one everyday), shit I cant even work out tweet deck. This is a devastating loss and if I think too much about it I want to eat, because that is where I find comfort. This is a red flag day indeed. NOnetheless I have made it to 8.43pm and not done anything stupid yet. I say yet because the night is young. And just perhaps some bourbon will help me sleep, later that is. Not good but better than a tub of icecream. I should not talk about my comforters because when I do I think about them and thinking right now about food is making me hungry. What to do, What to do???

Seriously I dont know how to cope without the stuff I lost and loosing years of family photos is enough to make me sick to my stomach. I lost the babies birthday photos, school photos, friggin all the photos. I still have first day of school 2011photos on the camera but still it really isn't working for me. I swing between the photos and the budget spreadsheet. I am sad people very sad.

But I ate ok today. I found an excuse for not exercising this morning though. I got up and had pains in my tummy and I just could not bring myself to run. You see I have a slight problem, how real do you want to get? I sometimes struggle to control bowel movements when I exercise and this felt like one of those days. The last time I ran I had one of those days and it is bloody embarrasing after all I am 45years old. Still if this is my biggest problem physically then I am better off than many. At the end of the day though, it is a damn excuse and I used it and so I didn't run. I hope life is better tomorrow, it should be if I dont slip up tonight. Maybe an early bedtime?????

Time to get real

Oh dear, I am not such a good blogger but I want to be, this journey I have been on with the 12wbt program and family has been one of the most important of my life. Seriously it has changed my whole life in such positive ways and I still have a way to go. Most importantly about blogging is that you keep it real, you also make yourself real to others and it helps to keep you accountable and, in a weight loss journey, that is essential. So here I go again, another round and THIS TIME, this time folks I want to be the best round ever. My fourth round, a new year, a new job, a new life for me.

I started by journey about this time last year while I quibbled about $200 on a program untested and untried BUT I had to do something with my life on the line, I was not getting smaller, I had begun to increase in size again. A year before that I had peaked at just over 120kg and with the help of a wonderful doctor I got it down to 95kg but she left and the weight came back hitting 107kg when I decided I needed help. Step up 12wbt and I stepped in. It was so confronting that first round and I was lucky to loose about 6kg but others, holy cow, they were loosing over 20kg in 12 weeks. WTF????? Easter, my mum's passing, my fear of failing, my mindset was all wrong and I had not done what I could have done. I did not embrace the program.

Round 2 2010 I was ready to smash it up. I had goals I was going to smash, I had a new lease on life and I was ready. Smash it up I did. I lost about 13kg and I worked my arse off literally. I organised for a group get together at the end of the round in Brisbane and I met the inspirational Angela (now an Ambassador of the 12wbt program), I met the amazing Kimberley and Susie who I shared my first Bridge to Brisbane fun run with and new freindships began. Life was getting better, my confidence grew and my family started to see a positive difference, they loved the more active me.

Round 3 2010 and we picked it up a notch. I found a trainer and we began our Pain in Paradise bootcamps. With Angela, Kimberley and Susie my 12wbt life became more fulfilling. We met others along the way but these three ladies are hot hot hot and beautiful both inside and out. I was no longer alone on my journey, I had someone to push me, someone to encourage me and someone to hold my hand. I lost another 11kg in round 3 and I was happy. Going to Sydney to meet the inspiring Michelle Bridges was the highlight of my year and sharing that moment with these three ladies made it all the more special. Seriously I am so blessed.

12wbt 2010 helped me find my confidence, helped me go from a size 26 to a size 12 and be the very best version of myself possible. But wait there is more..........

12wbt 2011 is just beginning. I cried when it opened up. I made it a mission to say hi to as many sth east Qlders as I could but it just got such a big task I could not keep up. So many have joined this family. So many who are about to travel a similar journey to me. I cannot wait to see how this program can transform so many more. We are in for an amazing 12 weeks.

And as for me, I am thinking getting down to 70kg and becoming lean and strong is my new goal. Can I do it? With Mish's help I can. Can I stay strong? With Angela, Kimberly and Susie in my corner I believe I can. Can we inspire others? There is no doubt. I want to help Michelle fight the globesity epidemic.......now that would be an amazing achievement.