Not that I dont like this one but life has changed and the journey I am on now is in uncharted territory. I am not sure where I am headed so it is time for new. I may come back from time to time and I certainly have a link here as I dont want to loose my story so far, it has been important but something new is forming. The life of an unreformed chocoholic working on her new life of weight struggles and body changes. Come, learn more:
http://ruthe12wbt.wordpress.com/
My 12wbt Round 1 2011 goal
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
My first training injury and I want to cry
Let me start by saying DO NOT TELL ME I AM TOO OLD! I will swear if you do, I promise you that. I am not too old for anything unless I think I am and I dont, think I am that is.
So blah, bummer, shit, bahwooey.....I have pulled a calf muscle and cannot run for at least one week (that is what I promised the physio anyways).
Now my weekend consisted of the following:
Friday - one hour bootcamp circuit including a fifteen flight stair run down and up
Saturday - one hour cardio boxing which involved plenty of running and a whole heap of boxing (and if you were there then a whole heap and liberal use of the term 'fuck' until my anger was out of my system) followed by a 68minute 5k run from hell down and up a mountain with (between two 920 squats and 920 pushups (yes I have pecks!)and the running was awesome until the last 1k which felt vertical!!!!
Sunday - one 1.5 hour bootcamp with some running. And somewhere in that running I pulled a calf muscle. I dont know why, I was doing great, I was warm if not a bit tired and sore from the days preceeding. I dont know why at all. I kept going of course, not running but all the rest and just kept moving because I could and I wanted to and I was not too old to do that. Thanks to Susie for taking care of me! And then a small hobbly walk around an 18 hole mini putt putt with my children.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is living. This is the life I have now and this is the life I want. So bloody what if I turn 46 next month. I dont jump out of planes, I dont drive my car fast, I dont scuba dive or motor bike ride. I do not face death! I just love to exercise.
So imagine what it is like to be told you are too old. And then imagine what it is like to be on a physio's table being told you cannot run. And I beg him for how long, when can I do it again and then I wonder, who the hell is this person nearly in tears because she cannot run. Screw being fat, screw loosing weight, screw the calories to be burnt, who gives a shit about any of that when you are bing told you are too old by your friends and you cannot run by a physio.
Who am I? Who is this person? Where did she come from?
No, crying just thinking about taking a week off. He said cycle but I hate cycling, it is not the same of the rythyms of my feet as they hit the ground, long strides, short strides, quick strides, slow strides, strides to the music, strides to the pavement, rythmic, calming, centering, peace. I cannot imagine a week without running. I cannot imagine a life without running. No wonder my heart broke for my dog when I was told she could no longer run. It was me, my heart broke because I cannot live without running.
Who the bloody hell am I?
So blah, bummer, shit, bahwooey.....I have pulled a calf muscle and cannot run for at least one week (that is what I promised the physio anyways).
Now my weekend consisted of the following:
Friday - one hour bootcamp circuit including a fifteen flight stair run down and up
Saturday - one hour cardio boxing which involved plenty of running and a whole heap of boxing (and if you were there then a whole heap and liberal use of the term 'fuck' until my anger was out of my system) followed by a 68minute 5k run from hell down and up a mountain with (between two 920 squats and 920 pushups (yes I have pecks!)and the running was awesome until the last 1k which felt vertical!!!!
Sunday - one 1.5 hour bootcamp with some running. And somewhere in that running I pulled a calf muscle. I dont know why, I was doing great, I was warm if not a bit tired and sore from the days preceeding. I dont know why at all. I kept going of course, not running but all the rest and just kept moving because I could and I wanted to and I was not too old to do that. Thanks to Susie for taking care of me! And then a small hobbly walk around an 18 hole mini putt putt with my children.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is living. This is the life I have now and this is the life I want. So bloody what if I turn 46 next month. I dont jump out of planes, I dont drive my car fast, I dont scuba dive or motor bike ride. I do not face death! I just love to exercise.
So imagine what it is like to be told you are too old. And then imagine what it is like to be on a physio's table being told you cannot run. And I beg him for how long, when can I do it again and then I wonder, who the hell is this person nearly in tears because she cannot run. Screw being fat, screw loosing weight, screw the calories to be burnt, who gives a shit about any of that when you are bing told you are too old by your friends and you cannot run by a physio.
Who am I? Who is this person? Where did she come from?
No, crying just thinking about taking a week off. He said cycle but I hate cycling, it is not the same of the rythyms of my feet as they hit the ground, long strides, short strides, quick strides, slow strides, strides to the music, strides to the pavement, rythmic, calming, centering, peace. I cannot imagine a week without running. I cannot imagine a life without running. No wonder my heart broke for my dog when I was told she could no longer run. It was me, my heart broke because I cannot live without running.
Who the bloody hell am I?
Friday, July 15, 2011
Oh Dear God in Heaven, what am I doing to myself?
Yes it was the milestone day today and so I took up the challenge of a duel workout, cardio boxing followed by the hill workout (from hell). No idea what possessed me to think this was a good combination but egged on by my 12wbt training buddies I felt indestructable. Nothing was going to stop me, I was going to do it. And I did but I have never before today, worked out to the point of wanting to vomit and worked out to the point of crying! Yes I cried. I was so so so emotional, not scared, not sad just I have no idea now, just fighting a brain that wanted to quit and a mind that wanted to finish. I was fighting an internal struggle I have never faced before.
Now I have done triathlons , a 30k kakoda hike, a 30k bike ride, run 3ks non stop, then 5ks non stop, then 10ks non stop. I have worked out with Andrew at bootcamp, Mark at cardio boxing and Mase at Zenergy AND with Michelle Bridges at end of round 3 2010. I have worked out by myself, with others, with trainers. A whole gammitt of training, in numerous ways and places BUT NEVER HAVE I WANTED TO VOMIT AND NEVER HAVE I CRIED before today. Never, ever, ever worked out like that before. I have no idea what happened, I hurt everywhere, I cannot beleive what I accomplished. I cannot believe what I did.
The game was to work as a team with one other person and to run after Mase the trainer and get either a black ribbon (40 reps of squats and pushups) or a red ribbon (20 reps of squats and pushups) and then see who got the most. It was about a 5km run in total. My partner and I got ribbons to the value of 46 which totaled 920 reps of each. We shared the reps between the two of us. We ran down the hill then we ran up the hill and the whole thing was done in about an hour. Now in the last 1km I was "chasing" down Mase and I use this term loosly because I had nothing left in the tank except a whole world of pain and a fear of never getting to the top of the mountain. I was in asthma and I was pushing through because asthma, running and push ups and throw in some rain and I was hurting in my chest in ways that others may well not understand but I wanted to finish. My stomach was in knots and I was sure that vomiting was not far off. My clothes felt tight and I wasn't well. Mase was just in front and I was in pain and I looked at him and he encouraged me on and I realised if I caught him that was 20 more pushups and 20 more squats and I knew I just could not do another push up, I could not breath and that is when the tears come and I begged him not to let me catch him. I had so wanted to the rest of the time, zoned out and running, not really caring if I caught up or not, just running. But this time I couldn't run, I felt like I was going straight up hill, my chest hurt and the idea, the thought, the agony of another push up, no matter how badly formed, was terrifying to me. And with the tears came more difficulty in breathing and the ground became slippery and then Mase said it is just a little way more, just round the corner. My mind went back to Kakoda and I remember that just one more hill, just round the corner, not much further bullshit we spouted to spur us on to the end and it made us laugh then but not this time. So I didn't believe Mase, I thought he was full of crap and I couldn't catch him, I didn't want to and I was crying and in pain and scared and even thinking about it makes me anxious. I ended up unable to breath and having a bloody panic attack. And then there was the sound of HER voice, calm and slow and rythmic and her soft calm eyes and my breathing came back and the pain subsided and I could move on, somehow slowly, at times on all fours, sometimes crawling but I did make it up that fucking mountain! With my 12wbt training buddies who I have come to love and respect.
I am, without doubt one of the luckiest people alive because I can do that kind of training, I have the support to finish it and somewhere inside there is a part of me that knows I am strong enough to do it.
I am a 12wbter and this is a whole new life.
Calories smashed - who cares
Friends identified - forever!!!!!!
Blessings - many!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I have done triathlons , a 30k kakoda hike, a 30k bike ride, run 3ks non stop, then 5ks non stop, then 10ks non stop. I have worked out with Andrew at bootcamp, Mark at cardio boxing and Mase at Zenergy AND with Michelle Bridges at end of round 3 2010. I have worked out by myself, with others, with trainers. A whole gammitt of training, in numerous ways and places BUT NEVER HAVE I WANTED TO VOMIT AND NEVER HAVE I CRIED before today. Never, ever, ever worked out like that before. I have no idea what happened, I hurt everywhere, I cannot beleive what I accomplished. I cannot believe what I did.
The game was to work as a team with one other person and to run after Mase the trainer and get either a black ribbon (40 reps of squats and pushups) or a red ribbon (20 reps of squats and pushups) and then see who got the most. It was about a 5km run in total. My partner and I got ribbons to the value of 46 which totaled 920 reps of each. We shared the reps between the two of us. We ran down the hill then we ran up the hill and the whole thing was done in about an hour. Now in the last 1km I was "chasing" down Mase and I use this term loosly because I had nothing left in the tank except a whole world of pain and a fear of never getting to the top of the mountain. I was in asthma and I was pushing through because asthma, running and push ups and throw in some rain and I was hurting in my chest in ways that others may well not understand but I wanted to finish. My stomach was in knots and I was sure that vomiting was not far off. My clothes felt tight and I wasn't well. Mase was just in front and I was in pain and I looked at him and he encouraged me on and I realised if I caught him that was 20 more pushups and 20 more squats and I knew I just could not do another push up, I could not breath and that is when the tears come and I begged him not to let me catch him. I had so wanted to the rest of the time, zoned out and running, not really caring if I caught up or not, just running. But this time I couldn't run, I felt like I was going straight up hill, my chest hurt and the idea, the thought, the agony of another push up, no matter how badly formed, was terrifying to me. And with the tears came more difficulty in breathing and the ground became slippery and then Mase said it is just a little way more, just round the corner. My mind went back to Kakoda and I remember that just one more hill, just round the corner, not much further bullshit we spouted to spur us on to the end and it made us laugh then but not this time. So I didn't believe Mase, I thought he was full of crap and I couldn't catch him, I didn't want to and I was crying and in pain and scared and even thinking about it makes me anxious. I ended up unable to breath and having a bloody panic attack. And then there was the sound of HER voice, calm and slow and rythmic and her soft calm eyes and my breathing came back and the pain subsided and I could move on, somehow slowly, at times on all fours, sometimes crawling but I did make it up that fucking mountain! With my 12wbt training buddies who I have come to love and respect.
I am, without doubt one of the luckiest people alive because I can do that kind of training, I have the support to finish it and somewhere inside there is a part of me that knows I am strong enough to do it.
I am a 12wbter and this is a whole new life.
Calories smashed - who cares
Friends identified - forever!!!!!!
Blessings - many!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Words don't come easy
There are plenty of us who are struggling to find the words to explain the experience that Emma brought to Brisbane with the help of Sam, with her Emazon Chronicles Stand Your Ground Seminar. And I am kind of the same and yet I want to share what I learned about me, but words just aren't coming easy. It is an experience difficult to share because it is really personal and probably different for everyone.
First thing I realised is that she understood what was going through our heads, in unison, as one she seemed to know what we were thinking and feeling and experiencing but the explanation came later and I had one of those light bulb moments. An understanding so ridiculously simple that I get it for all other aspects of my life except about 'me'. As I said hard to explain.
Then there was the fighting, the punching, the elbows, the pain, the brusing, the power, the will, the inner strength, the purpose, the assuredness, the intuitive me. Again hard to explain. How do you tell someone what it feels like to hit with such force the person goes backward, and the need to protect yourself outways your need for passivity, the ability to break a nose, to fight an attacker, to be centered and calm and wait for the perfect moment, to stand your ground, so foriegn. No words describe the feeling of knowing you can hit a target with your eyes shut, to be that centred, that focused, that intuitive. Who was the person I was unleashing?
And then a new look at me, the one who could run without stopping, the one who loves the freedom that running brings, the one who can choose and say yes to all that is good and no to all that does not work for me, the one who is empowered by a 'red' me who, if I let take control, can be angry, sad, happy but with a happiness that far outweighs the bad feelings that sometimes take control. There is a part of me that knows when things are not right and will fight out and yell and try to be heard, this part of me that I have drugged rather than let free. I have drugged this part of me with food, with antidepressants, with alcohol. I have subdued and surpressed this part for fear and self doubt. I do not wish to quieten this part anymore, this part of me that knows what is right, this part of me that will make good choices for me. She will no longer be silent.
I went for a run this morning and for the first time in months I ran 5km without stopping because this inner part of me wanted to, she wanted to feel empowered and when I was done, I knew I could keep going. I am so much stronger than I knew (or let myself know or let myself believe).
So you see, a whole heap of mumbo jumbo, unless of course you were there and experienced the unleashing of a whole bunch of powerful, intuitive, sassy women. I was there! I am so blessed to have been a part of it. Thank you to the lovely Angela for making it happen. Thank you for bringing Jill to capture the experience in the most amazing photos. I cannot explain how much of my past was healed in those three hours. There are no words.
From this I know that I need to quieten my inner me and listen to her, what is the right choice for me, what will make me happy???? She knows and it sure isn't going to be what I find in the fridge or the freezer or the bottle shop or the lolly isle of the local Coles. It isn't in fighting with my husband or my kids. I have so much to impart to my kids. So when Miss 11 was so upset and angry and I asked her what would make her happy in that moment she knew, and she came and hugged me and I know there is so much more than just myself to heal, I have an opportunity to teach my children so much more than what our society and culture as repesented in mulit media want for us.
How do I find the words to explain but more importantly how do I find the words to thank Emma for bringing this new world of understanding to me.
First thing I realised is that she understood what was going through our heads, in unison, as one she seemed to know what we were thinking and feeling and experiencing but the explanation came later and I had one of those light bulb moments. An understanding so ridiculously simple that I get it for all other aspects of my life except about 'me'. As I said hard to explain.
Then there was the fighting, the punching, the elbows, the pain, the brusing, the power, the will, the inner strength, the purpose, the assuredness, the intuitive me. Again hard to explain. How do you tell someone what it feels like to hit with such force the person goes backward, and the need to protect yourself outways your need for passivity, the ability to break a nose, to fight an attacker, to be centered and calm and wait for the perfect moment, to stand your ground, so foriegn. No words describe the feeling of knowing you can hit a target with your eyes shut, to be that centred, that focused, that intuitive. Who was the person I was unleashing?
And then a new look at me, the one who could run without stopping, the one who loves the freedom that running brings, the one who can choose and say yes to all that is good and no to all that does not work for me, the one who is empowered by a 'red' me who, if I let take control, can be angry, sad, happy but with a happiness that far outweighs the bad feelings that sometimes take control. There is a part of me that knows when things are not right and will fight out and yell and try to be heard, this part of me that I have drugged rather than let free. I have drugged this part of me with food, with antidepressants, with alcohol. I have subdued and surpressed this part for fear and self doubt. I do not wish to quieten this part anymore, this part of me that knows what is right, this part of me that will make good choices for me. She will no longer be silent.
I went for a run this morning and for the first time in months I ran 5km without stopping because this inner part of me wanted to, she wanted to feel empowered and when I was done, I knew I could keep going. I am so much stronger than I knew (or let myself know or let myself believe).
So you see, a whole heap of mumbo jumbo, unless of course you were there and experienced the unleashing of a whole bunch of powerful, intuitive, sassy women. I was there! I am so blessed to have been a part of it. Thank you to the lovely Angela for making it happen. Thank you for bringing Jill to capture the experience in the most amazing photos. I cannot explain how much of my past was healed in those three hours. There are no words.
From this I know that I need to quieten my inner me and listen to her, what is the right choice for me, what will make me happy???? She knows and it sure isn't going to be what I find in the fridge or the freezer or the bottle shop or the lolly isle of the local Coles. It isn't in fighting with my husband or my kids. I have so much to impart to my kids. So when Miss 11 was so upset and angry and I asked her what would make her happy in that moment she knew, and she came and hugged me and I know there is so much more than just myself to heal, I have an opportunity to teach my children so much more than what our society and culture as repesented in mulit media want for us.
How do I find the words to explain but more importantly how do I find the words to thank Emma for bringing this new world of understanding to me.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Confessions!
Life has been a bit hard for me of late and who do you think I took it out on??? How many excuses do you think I used and didn't fight??? Oh dear God in Heaven, why have I let myself get so out of control???
So right now I am working 9, 10, 11 and 12 hour days and I am mentally, physcally and emotionally exhausted. No exercise because I struggle to get out of bed for work let alone to get out to actually look after me. The cold, my asthma, my exhaustion, my need to start early..........how many excuses can one girl find??? I have found and am using them all. And it is easier to give my excuses credance when I am so much skinner than I have been before in my life (well since being a teenager and pre four children). The ultimate excuse, I don't need this anymore. Yes, right and that is why I signed up for my fifth round of 12wbt, because I didn't need it anymore and if this logic was true I would not be one kilo heavier than when I started this round of 12wbt. No amount of JFDI is working for my excercise. Even this morning, when I wasn't going to find an excuse I did, my head hurt, my heart hurts (get to that bit in a sec), it was cold, I could exercise this arvo, my house is a mess and I need to clean it..........how many more excuses did I just find??? Holy shit my life is one big excuse.
Now my biggest issue, after work and sick children is that yesterday my running buddy went to hospital and may never run again. This is a blow I cannot even begin to describe, she is my friend and she is always there for me to run whenever I want to go, she never says no and she never has an excuse. She is my dog, Kai! She is a red kelpie who is around 9 years old and yesterday an old injury flared up and now she is unable to walk and the vet says her running days are over. This is a bit of a blow to my head space. How will this dog ever be happy without running? She may have to be caged for three to four weeks and this is the good news, dread to think what the bad news may be this morning. But for her, a cage!!!! That is breaking my heart. However, I didn't use that as an excuse to binge, no I had plenty of other excuses for that over the last week but I didn't use Kai as an excuse last night.
So why did I eat six cream and jam donuts the night before? Why did I eat three chocolate bars the night before, why did I eat cheese and bicies until I was puttin on weight again? Why why why did I think any of that was ok??? My excuses, well this is my dinner! My dinner!!! Who bloody eats chocolate for dinner? I was at work until late and it was all there was to eat (true enough but seriously chocolate and donuts). This was binging at its worst and there is no doubt that a chocolate and donut dinner is binging, three of one, six of the other........in whose world would that ever be right. And this was after weigh in when I weighed a kilo more than when I started, it wasn't even before that. Tired, busy, cold, kids, illness..........did I leave any excuse out. So how would binging and no exercise help any of this? In fact wouldn't exercise and eating right help more, make me feel better, empowered, stronger.
If I do not get my head back in the game all is going to be lost, I will put it all back on and, from that, there will be no coming back.
Michelle Bridges I am sincerely sorry that I stuffed up. This was me, this was my head space BUT I can come back from this. I can and I will. Oh a little teary now! I am not about to put my life at risk again with all that extra weight. As of today I recommit to you and the programme. It is Saturday morning, I shall clean house and lunge and squat my way through it. I will not gorge on useless food but rather find food that fuels my body to do awesome things. I will get through this one day at a time and I will recommit everyday. Food diary is back up and running!
NO MORE BLOODY EXCUSES! JFDI!
So right now I am working 9, 10, 11 and 12 hour days and I am mentally, physcally and emotionally exhausted. No exercise because I struggle to get out of bed for work let alone to get out to actually look after me. The cold, my asthma, my exhaustion, my need to start early..........how many excuses can one girl find??? I have found and am using them all. And it is easier to give my excuses credance when I am so much skinner than I have been before in my life (well since being a teenager and pre four children). The ultimate excuse, I don't need this anymore. Yes, right and that is why I signed up for my fifth round of 12wbt, because I didn't need it anymore and if this logic was true I would not be one kilo heavier than when I started this round of 12wbt. No amount of JFDI is working for my excercise. Even this morning, when I wasn't going to find an excuse I did, my head hurt, my heart hurts (get to that bit in a sec), it was cold, I could exercise this arvo, my house is a mess and I need to clean it..........how many more excuses did I just find??? Holy shit my life is one big excuse.
Now my biggest issue, after work and sick children is that yesterday my running buddy went to hospital and may never run again. This is a blow I cannot even begin to describe, she is my friend and she is always there for me to run whenever I want to go, she never says no and she never has an excuse. She is my dog, Kai! She is a red kelpie who is around 9 years old and yesterday an old injury flared up and now she is unable to walk and the vet says her running days are over. This is a bit of a blow to my head space. How will this dog ever be happy without running? She may have to be caged for three to four weeks and this is the good news, dread to think what the bad news may be this morning. But for her, a cage!!!! That is breaking my heart. However, I didn't use that as an excuse to binge, no I had plenty of other excuses for that over the last week but I didn't use Kai as an excuse last night.
So why did I eat six cream and jam donuts the night before? Why did I eat three chocolate bars the night before, why did I eat cheese and bicies until I was puttin on weight again? Why why why did I think any of that was ok??? My excuses, well this is my dinner! My dinner!!! Who bloody eats chocolate for dinner? I was at work until late and it was all there was to eat (true enough but seriously chocolate and donuts). This was binging at its worst and there is no doubt that a chocolate and donut dinner is binging, three of one, six of the other........in whose world would that ever be right. And this was after weigh in when I weighed a kilo more than when I started, it wasn't even before that. Tired, busy, cold, kids, illness..........did I leave any excuse out. So how would binging and no exercise help any of this? In fact wouldn't exercise and eating right help more, make me feel better, empowered, stronger.
If I do not get my head back in the game all is going to be lost, I will put it all back on and, from that, there will be no coming back.
Michelle Bridges I am sincerely sorry that I stuffed up. This was me, this was my head space BUT I can come back from this. I can and I will. Oh a little teary now! I am not about to put my life at risk again with all that extra weight. As of today I recommit to you and the programme. It is Saturday morning, I shall clean house and lunge and squat my way through it. I will not gorge on useless food but rather find food that fuels my body to do awesome things. I will get through this one day at a time and I will recommit everyday. Food diary is back up and running!
NO MORE BLOODY EXCUSES! JFDI!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Your Greatest Support
So I have this husband who I argue with a lot BUT he loves me. I know this because when I said I needed to try another weight loss system he said give it a go, when I said it cost $200, he said you are worth it, when I asked the second, third, fourth and fifth time he never waivered, he said yes, absolutely. Now there was a few times when he said I was beautiful just the way I was and I didn't need to loose the weight but then he recognised that is was important to me so he said yes, you are worth it. He didn't stop there though. He predominately makes most of the meals and he embraces them, adapting when necessary to a gluten free diet, and he is good and he is getting better at cooking and his food is awesome. And even on top of that he brags about me to his friends and now, even some of them have joined the program, so he is out there telling the world just what an amazing difference the 12wbt has made to our lives. To add to this he takes me to training sessions, supports me on the finish lines of fun runs, cares for the children to make it possible for me, supports my 12wbt friends and families. He is, what everyone wants in a partner, my suport, my rock, my comfort and I am blessed to have him in my life. He is not perfect, no one could be, but he is everything I had no idea I needed.
My kids! Holy cow they dont even recognise me from a year ago and even less so from two years ago. Who is that mummy they ask when they see a photo of me. Sometimes they run with me, or ride by my side when I run, they are there at the finish line, they cheer me on. I love my kids. Mind you, last year Miss nine was a little worried she would be eating vegetables every night for the rest of her life, now she accepts that that is the way life is.
My dog, she runs with me every time I ask. No fuss, no complaint, just company.
My 12wbt friends for life (Kimberley, Susie, Karen, Angela), my 12wbt training buddies (too many to name but I just adore team Calderwood). These are the people that make it fun to turn up to training and to challenge myself with. I truly love this part of my life and everyone in it.
There is the wonderful Qld Crew on facebook and yet more 12wbt family on the forums.
All of these people, inspire, love and support me. I am truly blessed.
My kids! Holy cow they dont even recognise me from a year ago and even less so from two years ago. Who is that mummy they ask when they see a photo of me. Sometimes they run with me, or ride by my side when I run, they are there at the finish line, they cheer me on. I love my kids. Mind you, last year Miss nine was a little worried she would be eating vegetables every night for the rest of her life, now she accepts that that is the way life is.
My dog, she runs with me every time I ask. No fuss, no complaint, just company.
My 12wbt friends for life (Kimberley, Susie, Karen, Angela), my 12wbt training buddies (too many to name but I just adore team Calderwood). These are the people that make it fun to turn up to training and to challenge myself with. I truly love this part of my life and everyone in it.
There is the wonderful Qld Crew on facebook and yet more 12wbt family on the forums.
All of these people, inspire, love and support me. I am truly blessed.
Kath wants to know:
about your physical strengths.
Holy Cow Kath, what physical strengths? Is that being able to run 10k nonstop (on a good day that is and not when in asthma) in an hour and ten minutes. Which could be nothing to others but to someone who never ran a year ago is pretty awesome. Or is it that I can do a bootcamp, stay in the advanced group and nail it! Everytime? Or is it that I hiked up and down hills for 30k and didn't give in to myself? Or that I have had a go at a triathalon, am nailing Mish's dvds where I never used to keep up, or that my life is full of running, catching and carrying children where before I couldn't keep up. Oh to see the muscles in my arms and legs, I love them.
about your mental strengths.
Not sure I have this either except I have never given up on the 12wbt program, and it has got tough and I could have given up and sometimes I have slips and the old me would have had to give up because I am not perfect. The new me is more realistic, the new me takes responsibility for my own health and fitness, the new me embraces everything 12wbt. The old me never lost weight and thought I was a lost cause. I am so worth every effort I put in to make my life better. So the fact that I have done all of the above is testiment to how strong my mind and my willpower have become.
the habits you have that make you strong
I dont know if I have habits that make me strong. I have habits that make me me! I am strong so that, philisophically speaking should be enough. But if I am absolutely honest about this it is all in the organisation, diarising, staying true to my word. Habit? or way of life?
what it is about you that makes you the fighter that is inside.
Am I a fighter? Well lets see I have been described as a 'dog' but I think she meant 'dog with a bone' which I call tenacity! I dont give up on things that matter. It just took me a while to realise I mattered. In fact it took 12wbt to make me realise I am as important as everyone else I fight for. So now I fight for me, for my family, for the things that are important. I do that because I care about others and I want life to be as good as possible for everyone. Not to wipe out sadness but to celebrate life and happiness.
Now if I am truly honest I became this way because I had to fight for everything as a child. My parents raised us to have a 'stiff upper lip', to 'never give up', to do better than 'try', to never say 'cant', and they never ever let me win. Life with my parents was a fight, not always pleasant, but enough to teach me the way I dont want to be and the way I do. I was taught to be strong by two people who had had to do it on their own. They showed no mercy; a blessing or a curse?
what prepares you to fight these 12 weeks now to make you extraordinary.
Seriously, the 12wbt program is what prepares me to fight to make me extraordinary. The tools are there, the support is there, the challenges are there, Michelle Bridges and her team are there. This prepares me for anything and everything in my life. This program has shown me what I am capable of and, quite frankly, I think I have only tapped the surface.
I dont see myself as inspirational, I see myself as being supportive, confident, happy and a little bit mad. I see myself as the me always wanted to be and I did it with my family's support and Michelle Bridges 12wbt. God Bless her.
Holy Cow Kath, what physical strengths? Is that being able to run 10k nonstop (on a good day that is and not when in asthma) in an hour and ten minutes. Which could be nothing to others but to someone who never ran a year ago is pretty awesome. Or is it that I can do a bootcamp, stay in the advanced group and nail it! Everytime? Or is it that I hiked up and down hills for 30k and didn't give in to myself? Or that I have had a go at a triathalon, am nailing Mish's dvds where I never used to keep up, or that my life is full of running, catching and carrying children where before I couldn't keep up. Oh to see the muscles in my arms and legs, I love them.
about your mental strengths.
Not sure I have this either except I have never given up on the 12wbt program, and it has got tough and I could have given up and sometimes I have slips and the old me would have had to give up because I am not perfect. The new me is more realistic, the new me takes responsibility for my own health and fitness, the new me embraces everything 12wbt. The old me never lost weight and thought I was a lost cause. I am so worth every effort I put in to make my life better. So the fact that I have done all of the above is testiment to how strong my mind and my willpower have become.
the habits you have that make you strong
I dont know if I have habits that make me strong. I have habits that make me me! I am strong so that, philisophically speaking should be enough. But if I am absolutely honest about this it is all in the organisation, diarising, staying true to my word. Habit? or way of life?
what it is about you that makes you the fighter that is inside.
Am I a fighter? Well lets see I have been described as a 'dog' but I think she meant 'dog with a bone' which I call tenacity! I dont give up on things that matter. It just took me a while to realise I mattered. In fact it took 12wbt to make me realise I am as important as everyone else I fight for. So now I fight for me, for my family, for the things that are important. I do that because I care about others and I want life to be as good as possible for everyone. Not to wipe out sadness but to celebrate life and happiness.
Now if I am truly honest I became this way because I had to fight for everything as a child. My parents raised us to have a 'stiff upper lip', to 'never give up', to do better than 'try', to never say 'cant', and they never ever let me win. Life with my parents was a fight, not always pleasant, but enough to teach me the way I dont want to be and the way I do. I was taught to be strong by two people who had had to do it on their own. They showed no mercy; a blessing or a curse?
what prepares you to fight these 12 weeks now to make you extraordinary.
Seriously, the 12wbt program is what prepares me to fight to make me extraordinary. The tools are there, the support is there, the challenges are there, Michelle Bridges and her team are there. This prepares me for anything and everything in my life. This program has shown me what I am capable of and, quite frankly, I think I have only tapped the surface.
I dont see myself as inspirational, I see myself as being supportive, confident, happy and a little bit mad. I see myself as the me always wanted to be and I did it with my family's support and Michelle Bridges 12wbt. God Bless her.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Reading Shrinking Kath's blog and it got me to thinking
So our Kath says she lost the plot a bit, made bad choices and didn't have her head in the game and it rang out loud in my head YOU ARE NOT ALONE! So for this I am gratful ShrinkingKath. I am not alone. And my head is still not in the game and I keep saying 'tomorrow' but it doesn't happen. Because tomorrow is today and I feel like shite! Headache, runny nose, sore throat and hence no excercise even though yesterday I was so sure tomorrow would be the day. Yesterday saw two chocolate bars and four icecreams..............what the fuck is going on??? Why have I started to hurt me in the name of stress relief? Anyone, someone? and there is added pressure of being a good 12wbt role model, and I love this program and I have gone from a size 26 to size 12 with over 50kilos lost so why the problem NOW???? Why in the last five kilos is this so bloody hard on my head?
Now what I would like to do is explain how stressful my life is....thats what I want to do but in all honesty is that ok or is that my excuse for some bloody stupid choices. It is an excuse. Why suddenly if I am stressed is it now ok to poison my system with fat fat and more damn fat. Forget the carbs and sugar because the fat content in these foods is exactly the kind of thing I dont want in my life (what until life gets stressful???)
The thing here is that eating these foods is causing more stress and not exercising is doing the same thing. Who will find out, what will people think, why do I hate myself so much, didn't anyone see, dont tell! Is this like binge eating gone insane? Why am I sabotaging the life and body I want? Stress, are you kidding. There has to be a better way. In fact, the walk to the vending machine should now be changed to a walk up and down the stairwell! Maybe even into the sunlight out of an office. And when I walk now people do look, yes I am more interesting skinny than fat and I always thought it was the other way around.
So what will be my excuse today..........oh yes, a 30k hike tomorrow, surely I need to load up on carbs??? NOT.
I wish someone else lived inside my head telling me to literally 'pull my head in'.
OK, stop with the bloody whingy excuses. Life is tough, the job is tough but I dont want to tackle life, job, kids in an overweight and unhealthy body because that makes things a damn site tougher. Time to respect myself more.
Michelle Bridges, I do beleive I should listen to you! LOL, that is a given.
Now what I would like to do is explain how stressful my life is....thats what I want to do but in all honesty is that ok or is that my excuse for some bloody stupid choices. It is an excuse. Why suddenly if I am stressed is it now ok to poison my system with fat fat and more damn fat. Forget the carbs and sugar because the fat content in these foods is exactly the kind of thing I dont want in my life (what until life gets stressful???)
The thing here is that eating these foods is causing more stress and not exercising is doing the same thing. Who will find out, what will people think, why do I hate myself so much, didn't anyone see, dont tell! Is this like binge eating gone insane? Why am I sabotaging the life and body I want? Stress, are you kidding. There has to be a better way. In fact, the walk to the vending machine should now be changed to a walk up and down the stairwell! Maybe even into the sunlight out of an office. And when I walk now people do look, yes I am more interesting skinny than fat and I always thought it was the other way around.
So what will be my excuse today..........oh yes, a 30k hike tomorrow, surely I need to load up on carbs??? NOT.
I wish someone else lived inside my head telling me to literally 'pull my head in'.
OK, stop with the bloody whingy excuses. Life is tough, the job is tough but I dont want to tackle life, job, kids in an overweight and unhealthy body because that makes things a damn site tougher. Time to respect myself more.
Michelle Bridges, I do beleive I should listen to you! LOL, that is a given.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Is perfectionism getting in the way?
Well after much soul searching, seeing myself in TBLs Lara, madly eating after my weigh in this week I got to thinking WHY? Why was it, when I was so close to goal did I give up working out and start binging? What happened to me, why did I close down and give up on the dreams, possibilities, goals.
After talking this morning with other 12wbters I found that this was not so uncommon for anyone who has a lot to loose (weight that is) so the question remains why do we do it? Here are some of my thoughts on what I have discovered:
1. Perfectionism gets in the way. Have messy house anyone, possibly because if you cant do it right why bother. We set oursleves up. No more true than loosing weight. Suddenly in sight of goal, pretty sure it is going to happen, when self doubt creeps in, perfectionism comes next and then you are saying ‘why bother because I am only going to fail anyway’.
2. We feel like we deserve it. A bit of complacency slips in! Oh yes it does. The feeling of having done so well and thinking one little bit wont hurt or missing one training session doesn’t matter and before you know it you miss two and eat a little more chocolate. Dont we deserve more.
3. We begin to wonder if we are a fraud if there is no more too loose and what would life be like without this program. True for me, started to worry about post 12wbt days because after a year and I dont know if I could do it on my own. So if I dont loose the last 5kg I wont have to loose 12wbt. Perhaps irrational but nonetheless valid for a scared brain.
4.A combination of all of the above which is where I am right now. So I ate the chocolate and it didn’t touch the sides, I ate so quick I didn’t even taste it. Sitting here right now I know I would have enjoyed it so much better slower and with a cup of camomile tea.
So now that I know why I need to work out how to move past it.
I wanted to share because I thought I might not be alone. Well I know Lara (TBL) is with me, who else is struggling?
After talking this morning with other 12wbters I found that this was not so uncommon for anyone who has a lot to loose (weight that is) so the question remains why do we do it? Here are some of my thoughts on what I have discovered:
1. Perfectionism gets in the way. Have messy house anyone, possibly because if you cant do it right why bother. We set oursleves up. No more true than loosing weight. Suddenly in sight of goal, pretty sure it is going to happen, when self doubt creeps in, perfectionism comes next and then you are saying ‘why bother because I am only going to fail anyway’.
2. We feel like we deserve it. A bit of complacency slips in! Oh yes it does. The feeling of having done so well and thinking one little bit wont hurt or missing one training session doesn’t matter and before you know it you miss two and eat a little more chocolate. Dont we deserve more.
3. We begin to wonder if we are a fraud if there is no more too loose and what would life be like without this program. True for me, started to worry about post 12wbt days because after a year and I dont know if I could do it on my own. So if I dont loose the last 5kg I wont have to loose 12wbt. Perhaps irrational but nonetheless valid for a scared brain.
4.A combination of all of the above which is where I am right now. So I ate the chocolate and it didn’t touch the sides, I ate so quick I didn’t even taste it. Sitting here right now I know I would have enjoyed it so much better slower and with a cup of camomile tea.
So now that I know why I need to work out how to move past it.
I wanted to share because I thought I might not be alone. Well I know Lara (TBL) is with me, who else is struggling?
The honest truth about the binging
Yes, I watched TBL this week and I saw Lara's binge after her success on the catwalk. This is the binge that happens when you get scared of the weight loss and you cant quite figure it out. It has been happening to me since Wednesday's weigh in. I am three kilo out from my preseaon goal and five kilo out from a healthy weight loss. It was actually happening with a 2kg weight loss followed by a 1.9kg weight loss the next week. They are pretty damn awesome numbers I was pulling and every part of me believed I could do it so why then did I feel the need to eat everything sweet and still do. My stomach is bloated from dried fruit and is pushing up against my lungs and other internals so that I actually feel pain. There is no doubt that the lollies, the cheese and biccies, the excessive fruit, chocolate, the dried fruit and the forme are all sitting rigth on top of my breakfast of two peices of toast and then there was the pizza. A huge pizza which was predominantly vegies but still it was huge and I ate my way through it. Yesterday was not much different with lollies and excessive yoplait. I have no idea what has got into me so the question is:
WHY WHEN YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO YOUR GOAL, WHEN YOU HAVE ACHIEVED A MODACOM OF SUCCESS, DO WE MAKE STUPID FOOD CHOICES ~ LIKE SELF SABOTAGE, A LITTLE BIT OF SELF LOATHING CREEPS IN, SO WHY WHY WHY DO WE DO IT? Lara did it and I did it (before I saw her do it people but I saw myself in what she did and I wondered.............WHY)? It is nonsense of course and yet I still would eat the chocolate or the icecream right now if it was in the house. It's madness. Why am I self sabotaging?
Anyone got an answer? Anyone know how to get it under control?
And no I wont work it off because I haven't exercised since before I weighed in. If it is a life long, life style change, why did I fall back into my old ways?
To find the answers to this could be the difference between me going back to being tree stumpy or being a hot muma. I want to be the hot muma.
anyone out there got an answer?
WHY WHEN YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO YOUR GOAL, WHEN YOU HAVE ACHIEVED A MODACOM OF SUCCESS, DO WE MAKE STUPID FOOD CHOICES ~ LIKE SELF SABOTAGE, A LITTLE BIT OF SELF LOATHING CREEPS IN, SO WHY WHY WHY DO WE DO IT? Lara did it and I did it (before I saw her do it people but I saw myself in what she did and I wondered.............WHY)? It is nonsense of course and yet I still would eat the chocolate or the icecream right now if it was in the house. It's madness. Why am I self sabotaging?
Anyone got an answer? Anyone know how to get it under control?
And no I wont work it off because I haven't exercised since before I weighed in. If it is a life long, life style change, why did I fall back into my old ways?
To find the answers to this could be the difference between me going back to being tree stumpy or being a hot muma. I want to be the hot muma.
anyone out there got an answer?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Brain drain
Well we are up to week 7 weigh in tomorrow. The hardest thing this round is surprisingly giving up my diet soft drink (pepsi max predominantly). I still crave it but I am staying strong and it seems to be true that in not having it the cravings for other sweet things have deminished. It is still a struggle but really having my colleague doing this with me gives me incentive to try to help us both keep to the clean eating plan. Imagine my horror when I found her eating twisties, but alas I digress from my tale of becoming thinner in body and mind. So yes, the soft drink is finally out of my life. I eye the burbon off from time to time and think about how lovely and smooth it would taste as it slipped down my throat, but no, not just yet. I must get rid of the cravings first.
My weigh in last week showed a two kilo loss. I almost fell over and could not believe how stunned I felt. I mean seriously, who looses that much in a week? The girl who gave up soft drink I guess. No idea what tomorrow's weigh in will bring but I never expect one that big again. Nonetheless we are half way to goal at the half way point. Made me happy.
What also makes me happy is how many people comment on my new figure. That is, those who regularly comment on how good I look, how much weight I have lost, how skinny I look etc etc except for the hubby who says I am skin and bone. I am not of course, skin and bones that is, but he thinks so because he is used to me being bigger, hell I am smaller now than when I married him. He loves me just the way I am, pretty sure that hasn't changed even though I am changing to become a so much better version of me. Anyways, I love the comments, perhaps the 'fat girl' should start listening.
Yes people I still see myself as the fat girl. I really do. And I worry about the size of my stomach and the hanging skin and the fat fat fat I can see. No one else seems to see it. No I am not anorexic, not by a long shot. According to me I still have 7 kilos to get to a healthy BMI but I would be happy with another 5kg weight loss. Really I would. I am a size 12 now, and even fit in some 10s. It makes no sense to me how I can be that small but still be overweight. No idea how they work this out. And another thing, I have no doubt that dress sizes have changed. When I was a size 12 before I was smaller, I am sure of it. Admittedly that is more than 20 years ago, more like 25 years if I am honest, but still dress sizes have definitely increased. I am all for it of course but it is a bit confusing.
So that is where I am at. Recording EVERYTHING I eat and all my exercise. Smashing it up for real at the gym last Saturday and intending to do the same this weekend with gym and the bootcamp. Loving the food too and definitely staying on track with that.
So much to loose, so much to gain...........Michelle Bridges 12wbt is freaking awesome.
My weigh in last week showed a two kilo loss. I almost fell over and could not believe how stunned I felt. I mean seriously, who looses that much in a week? The girl who gave up soft drink I guess. No idea what tomorrow's weigh in will bring but I never expect one that big again. Nonetheless we are half way to goal at the half way point. Made me happy.
What also makes me happy is how many people comment on my new figure. That is, those who regularly comment on how good I look, how much weight I have lost, how skinny I look etc etc except for the hubby who says I am skin and bone. I am not of course, skin and bones that is, but he thinks so because he is used to me being bigger, hell I am smaller now than when I married him. He loves me just the way I am, pretty sure that hasn't changed even though I am changing to become a so much better version of me. Anyways, I love the comments, perhaps the 'fat girl' should start listening.
Yes people I still see myself as the fat girl. I really do. And I worry about the size of my stomach and the hanging skin and the fat fat fat I can see. No one else seems to see it. No I am not anorexic, not by a long shot. According to me I still have 7 kilos to get to a healthy BMI but I would be happy with another 5kg weight loss. Really I would. I am a size 12 now, and even fit in some 10s. It makes no sense to me how I can be that small but still be overweight. No idea how they work this out. And another thing, I have no doubt that dress sizes have changed. When I was a size 12 before I was smaller, I am sure of it. Admittedly that is more than 20 years ago, more like 25 years if I am honest, but still dress sizes have definitely increased. I am all for it of course but it is a bit confusing.
So that is where I am at. Recording EVERYTHING I eat and all my exercise. Smashing it up for real at the gym last Saturday and intending to do the same this weekend with gym and the bootcamp. Loving the food too and definitely staying on track with that.
So much to loose, so much to gain...........Michelle Bridges 12wbt is freaking awesome.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Mini Milestone Weekend
Yes its been a while, plenty of ups and downs with a damn weight gain of 100g and I was working out like a damn demon but of course this means my eating was dreadful. And it was, kept using the old excuse that I was working it off anyway which I did but not quite all the way! Dumb week. But I knew it was time to rein it all in and so thats what I am trying this week. Hubby and me are giving up pepsi max this week. Dont know how long it will last but so far I have gone 24hours. I am drinking a ginger ale though because I needed something sweet and my tummy hurts. Probably not helping. So I am living in an eating clean week and hoping I am exercising enough.
I ran my twilight fun run 10k this afternoon as my mini milestone. Weather was a little wet which kept the temperature down which was important given we set off at 3.30pm. I have never ran more than 1 hour before, never ran more than 7k before so this was my biggest challenge yet. To finish a 10k race! Of course to finish first you have to start and I was kind of in a little world of my own, stretching, listening to the crowd and then it was time to get the ipod going and next thing we are getting the "go" and I jump in the air, not from fright but from sheer exhileration! And I was happy, I was smiling and I felt the smile and I was so damn happy to be running. When I got a stone in my shoe I did not stop, when I was busting for the loo I did not stop (well not until I got to the 6.5k mark and I needed water but not without a loo break first) and there was a time that a stone and a full bladder would certainly have been an excuse to give up but I didn't. I kept going and when I got to the 7k mark in 52minutes I was feeling ok so I kept going and a young man fell into pace with me and we ran together to the end. He kept me going even when I was thinking I had gone far enough. I ran another kilometer and I was still under an hour. I could not beleive it but then I came to a hill and I just couldnt get up it, my chest was hurting, I wasn't sure why so I walked up that hill, I walked less then 100m in total so I am happy with that. And then I passed 9k and I realised it hurt more to walk than to run and so I ran. All the time this young man stayed with me and sometimes he would run a bit ahead and walk and I would catch up and we would run together again. I thank that man from the bottom of my heart and wonder if I would have had the motivation to keep going had he not been beside me. In the last 10m he shot foward to finish and I saw him turn around and wait for me! He gave me a high five and then we parted ways. How damn lovely was that.
My time was 1hour 13minutes. That is not the official time but the time that showed on the clock as I ran through the finish. There was a few more seconds attached but I figure it took me a few seconds to get to the start line. Anyway it will fall around that time and I am damn happy with that. All I wanted to do was finish and my aim was to do that in 1hr30min. Very very happy.
So my thanks goes to Michelle Bridges for believing in me and telling me I can (12wbt is the best program ever and does so much more that weight loss), KimberleyM for always being there beside me in spirit (she is an absolute champion and an awesome training buddy), SusieD who inspires, supports and encourages (and was there at the end and found me! how cool is that), my dear friend Angela who encourages and inspires me, my beautiful personal trainer Andrew de Angelis who enourages me to go a little harder, and my husband and children who are always there to cheer me on and my dog who runs with me when I train and is a pretty darn good training buddy too.
My life is truly blessed.
I ran my twilight fun run 10k this afternoon as my mini milestone. Weather was a little wet which kept the temperature down which was important given we set off at 3.30pm. I have never ran more than 1 hour before, never ran more than 7k before so this was my biggest challenge yet. To finish a 10k race! Of course to finish first you have to start and I was kind of in a little world of my own, stretching, listening to the crowd and then it was time to get the ipod going and next thing we are getting the "go" and I jump in the air, not from fright but from sheer exhileration! And I was happy, I was smiling and I felt the smile and I was so damn happy to be running. When I got a stone in my shoe I did not stop, when I was busting for the loo I did not stop (well not until I got to the 6.5k mark and I needed water but not without a loo break first) and there was a time that a stone and a full bladder would certainly have been an excuse to give up but I didn't. I kept going and when I got to the 7k mark in 52minutes I was feeling ok so I kept going and a young man fell into pace with me and we ran together to the end. He kept me going even when I was thinking I had gone far enough. I ran another kilometer and I was still under an hour. I could not beleive it but then I came to a hill and I just couldnt get up it, my chest was hurting, I wasn't sure why so I walked up that hill, I walked less then 100m in total so I am happy with that. And then I passed 9k and I realised it hurt more to walk than to run and so I ran. All the time this young man stayed with me and sometimes he would run a bit ahead and walk and I would catch up and we would run together again. I thank that man from the bottom of my heart and wonder if I would have had the motivation to keep going had he not been beside me. In the last 10m he shot foward to finish and I saw him turn around and wait for me! He gave me a high five and then we parted ways. How damn lovely was that.
My time was 1hour 13minutes. That is not the official time but the time that showed on the clock as I ran through the finish. There was a few more seconds attached but I figure it took me a few seconds to get to the start line. Anyway it will fall around that time and I am damn happy with that. All I wanted to do was finish and my aim was to do that in 1hr30min. Very very happy.
So my thanks goes to Michelle Bridges for believing in me and telling me I can (12wbt is the best program ever and does so much more that weight loss), KimberleyM for always being there beside me in spirit (she is an absolute champion and an awesome training buddy), SusieD who inspires, supports and encourages (and was there at the end and found me! how cool is that), my dear friend Angela who encourages and inspires me, my beautiful personal trainer Andrew de Angelis who enourages me to go a little harder, and my husband and children who are always there to cheer me on and my dog who runs with me when I train and is a pretty darn good training buddy too.
My life is truly blessed.
Monday, March 7, 2011
I lost my damn post
Shit, there I was talking about really important shit only to have this damn thing loose it all. So pissed right now!
So what was I trying to say??? I think it was about giving up after my 100gram loss last week and having a sick kid in hospital, being depressed and over tired and not getting the exercise in because I was immobilised by my own depression and realisation I was never going to be perfect at this, my perfectionism was feeding my depression and I was ready to give up. It was a shitty shitty week and was not helped by loosing this post. I am so pissed right now.
Anyway, so I spilled about my tragic run on Saturday, trying my hardest to get back into the exercise I set off at 5pm as I need to practice running in the arvo anyway for this damn twilight run. Oh man it was bad. Well it didn't start that way, I had been running for over 30minutes and travelling well, felt good and still had fire left in my legs but that is when my bowels decided to open up, with no warning, in public whilst running. I hate hate hate being old, or getting old anyway. No control, this is what you all have to look forward to! I was devastated and embarrassed and tried ringing the hubby for a rescue which didn't come because he didn't answer. I somehow squelched home, tired, embarrassed and miserable. What is a girl to do, may as well give up, nothing was working.
Sunday I put on these shorty shorts, not tight short shorts but loose, comfy shortish shorts which covered the excess skin that hangs from the thights but showed off these muscular defined golden brown legs. Legs Michelle Bridges helped my uncover from the tree stumps they used to be. Legs that were made possible for the 12wbt program. So like I am inspired by these legs, they are damn hot thank you very much. Not sure when that happened. And can I say that the photo competition this week should really include a photo of my legs! Just saying, they are inspirational.
So I looked at my legs and I thought 'aren't these worth keeping going for, do you really want tree stumps again?' and I dont. I dont want tree stumps, I love these golden brown muscular shapely legs that somehow have been uncovered on my body. Very cool. Time to find time to exercise.
but again I woke this morning overtired and unable to get out of bed despite an early night. I was struggling. I came home from work and went for a run! Yes I did. I ran for 33minutes doing a run I have never run completely before today because the hills kill me (or do they?) and I came home to hubby cooking the 12wbt pork dish! Oh yeah baby. And after dinner I did the 12wbt advanced week three Monday outdoor workout in my lounge (yes you can do that).
Who the hell thought turkish get ups were a good idea? I had so wanted to give them a go but by the fourth one I was struggling. how the hell I managed three sets of fifteen is beyond me. Please lets not have them again soon.
So under 1200cals, a run and a workout. Am I back on track? Only time will tell. I have to work more late nights this week so not overly hopeful about the exercise but I shall perservere.
I have great legs!
So what was I trying to say??? I think it was about giving up after my 100gram loss last week and having a sick kid in hospital, being depressed and over tired and not getting the exercise in because I was immobilised by my own depression and realisation I was never going to be perfect at this, my perfectionism was feeding my depression and I was ready to give up. It was a shitty shitty week and was not helped by loosing this post. I am so pissed right now.
Anyway, so I spilled about my tragic run on Saturday, trying my hardest to get back into the exercise I set off at 5pm as I need to practice running in the arvo anyway for this damn twilight run. Oh man it was bad. Well it didn't start that way, I had been running for over 30minutes and travelling well, felt good and still had fire left in my legs but that is when my bowels decided to open up, with no warning, in public whilst running. I hate hate hate being old, or getting old anyway. No control, this is what you all have to look forward to! I was devastated and embarrassed and tried ringing the hubby for a rescue which didn't come because he didn't answer. I somehow squelched home, tired, embarrassed and miserable. What is a girl to do, may as well give up, nothing was working.
Sunday I put on these shorty shorts, not tight short shorts but loose, comfy shortish shorts which covered the excess skin that hangs from the thights but showed off these muscular defined golden brown legs. Legs Michelle Bridges helped my uncover from the tree stumps they used to be. Legs that were made possible for the 12wbt program. So like I am inspired by these legs, they are damn hot thank you very much. Not sure when that happened. And can I say that the photo competition this week should really include a photo of my legs! Just saying, they are inspirational.
So I looked at my legs and I thought 'aren't these worth keeping going for, do you really want tree stumps again?' and I dont. I dont want tree stumps, I love these golden brown muscular shapely legs that somehow have been uncovered on my body. Very cool. Time to find time to exercise.
but again I woke this morning overtired and unable to get out of bed despite an early night. I was struggling. I came home from work and went for a run! Yes I did. I ran for 33minutes doing a run I have never run completely before today because the hills kill me (or do they?) and I came home to hubby cooking the 12wbt pork dish! Oh yeah baby. And after dinner I did the 12wbt advanced week three Monday outdoor workout in my lounge (yes you can do that).
Who the hell thought turkish get ups were a good idea? I had so wanted to give them a go but by the fourth one I was struggling. how the hell I managed three sets of fifteen is beyond me. Please lets not have them again soon.
So under 1200cals, a run and a workout. Am I back on track? Only time will tell. I have to work more late nights this week so not overly hopeful about the exercise but I shall perservere.
I have great legs!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
the day before weigh in and all through the land........
we were worrying about whether we had done enough! Had we exercised enough, had we consumed the right amount of all the healthy foods available, had we eaten any no nos and what would the weigh in day show.....oh we were worrying, at least I was and yet I have been almost good. Almost!
Finally did some exercise today, so damn hot thought it would kill me but of course it didn't. I turned on that Tight Toned and Terrific dvd for Michelle to egg me on and enourage me. It gets easier each time but those damn push ups and tripush ups are designed to hurt me every damn time. Can anyone keep up with those? Anyway it is done and I could have done more but it is late and I am glad to have done something. I always think if I did cardio the night before weigh in I would get a better loss but that is not the way the 12wbt program runs, Tuesday is toning day! So I toned and lifted those damn weight and have shaky arms for my trouble. I know that in the long term I need this to build the muscles to boost the metabolism. I know it but sometimes I worry it is not going to be enough. Seriously after three full rounds you think I would trust the process by now. I trust Michelle, I dont trust that I have done enough. When did the goal become so damn important to me???? aagghhh, so much to learn.
Eating, well it was red flag day! I new we were doing yumcha for lunch so I just had stewed apple for breakfast, dinner was chicken and vegies with a smidgeon of the yoghurt dressing which left bloody yum cha. Where I could remove the outer layer I did and I ate nothing that had been fried. Lets hope I did enough to have lost some weight.
Let you know tomorrow!
Finally did some exercise today, so damn hot thought it would kill me but of course it didn't. I turned on that Tight Toned and Terrific dvd for Michelle to egg me on and enourage me. It gets easier each time but those damn push ups and tripush ups are designed to hurt me every damn time. Can anyone keep up with those? Anyway it is done and I could have done more but it is late and I am glad to have done something. I always think if I did cardio the night before weigh in I would get a better loss but that is not the way the 12wbt program runs, Tuesday is toning day! So I toned and lifted those damn weight and have shaky arms for my trouble. I know that in the long term I need this to build the muscles to boost the metabolism. I know it but sometimes I worry it is not going to be enough. Seriously after three full rounds you think I would trust the process by now. I trust Michelle, I dont trust that I have done enough. When did the goal become so damn important to me???? aagghhh, so much to learn.
Eating, well it was red flag day! I new we were doing yumcha for lunch so I just had stewed apple for breakfast, dinner was chicken and vegies with a smidgeon of the yoghurt dressing which left bloody yum cha. Where I could remove the outer layer I did and I ate nothing that had been fried. Lets hope I did enough to have lost some weight.
Let you know tomorrow!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Its blogging time! We are off with week 2
Ahhh, week two is here and so is heaps more delicious meals thanks to Michelle Bridges and her taste testers! I do love the meals on this program.
I kind of only ate about 800cals today cause breaky was only a banana, morning tea and afternoon tea was a few apricots (fresh!), lunch was mountain bread with roast beef, tomato and salad leaves and dinner was not naughty nachos, no light sour cream for me. A very clean day and I dont feel hungry at all. I do feel tired though.
For exercise, after missing my SSS (sorry Michelle but kids in hospital do put a spanner in the exercise works), I did a 9k run/walk/whatever, just kept moving really for 1hr and 23mins. Not happy with the time but it was damn hot, didn't set off until 9am and did all the hilly bits first up, the first 30minutes I ran anyway, after that it was just about getting to the end and I saved the running for the shady bits. Thank God I took water. My HRM isn't working so I do not have an exact figure but I have no doubt I was over 700cals making it a very very low calorie day.
Good for the weightloss but probably not good for the muscles. I was going to do another workout tonight but I just dont feel like it now. It is getting late and I need to sleep. Had a headache today too, perhaps from exercising in the heat or stress or both. Who knows but my head does not feel like it belongs to me and right now I wish it didn't.
Blah, it was an ok day in the scheme of things.
I kind of only ate about 800cals today cause breaky was only a banana, morning tea and afternoon tea was a few apricots (fresh!), lunch was mountain bread with roast beef, tomato and salad leaves and dinner was not naughty nachos, no light sour cream for me. A very clean day and I dont feel hungry at all. I do feel tired though.
For exercise, after missing my SSS (sorry Michelle but kids in hospital do put a spanner in the exercise works), I did a 9k run/walk/whatever, just kept moving really for 1hr and 23mins. Not happy with the time but it was damn hot, didn't set off until 9am and did all the hilly bits first up, the first 30minutes I ran anyway, after that it was just about getting to the end and I saved the running for the shady bits. Thank God I took water. My HRM isn't working so I do not have an exact figure but I have no doubt I was over 700cals making it a very very low calorie day.
Good for the weightloss but probably not good for the muscles. I was going to do another workout tonight but I just dont feel like it now. It is getting late and I need to sleep. Had a headache today too, perhaps from exercising in the heat or stress or both. Who knows but my head does not feel like it belongs to me and right now I wish it didn't.
Blah, it was an ok day in the scheme of things.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
No good, very bad weekend
So how did it go to pot when we were on track for the best 12wbt weekend ever? It starts and ends with depression.
Saturday morning I was so very tired still so I decided to take the day off training and eat clean, which I did, I even did it well and had a treat meal out which I did not have the chips with so kept me under the 1200cal line. It was pretty good all around and I got my shopping done for this next week and all was well. Then we got home from dinner and all hell ripped through my home as Miss nine decided to take ill, very very ill and she was being rushed to hospital by my hubby for a long night in Emergency and short stay wing at the Children's hospital. I didn't feel like binge eating, I was so damn worried and scared. I managed to get a little sleep last night!
No bootcamp for me, no exercise today at all because I was off to swap with hubby on the hospital sitting shift. Yes, I sat all day with my daughter. Food choices were limited to fatty or sweet, I picked sweet, I can do sweet better than fatty but still I have no doubt I have over calorified myself today as a result. Just did not feel like making the good nachos tonight so we took the prawns for tomorrow nights dinner and hubby cooked them up and tossed them in a salad. No idea what that was worth calorie wise but it was better than most things I would have done a year ago eg. McDonalds! I have come a long way since those days.
Upside is Miss nine has made a full recovery and was released from hospital at 4.30pm today.
So damn tired, do you know how tiring it is to sit and do nothing or read or watch telly, I get less tired climbing mountains and doing bootcamps, wonder why that is.
A whole weekend without exercise! Blast. I missed bootcamp and that made me sad but there will be other bootcamps, there is only one baby girl!
Saturday morning I was so very tired still so I decided to take the day off training and eat clean, which I did, I even did it well and had a treat meal out which I did not have the chips with so kept me under the 1200cal line. It was pretty good all around and I got my shopping done for this next week and all was well. Then we got home from dinner and all hell ripped through my home as Miss nine decided to take ill, very very ill and she was being rushed to hospital by my hubby for a long night in Emergency and short stay wing at the Children's hospital. I didn't feel like binge eating, I was so damn worried and scared. I managed to get a little sleep last night!
No bootcamp for me, no exercise today at all because I was off to swap with hubby on the hospital sitting shift. Yes, I sat all day with my daughter. Food choices were limited to fatty or sweet, I picked sweet, I can do sweet better than fatty but still I have no doubt I have over calorified myself today as a result. Just did not feel like making the good nachos tonight so we took the prawns for tomorrow nights dinner and hubby cooked them up and tossed them in a salad. No idea what that was worth calorie wise but it was better than most things I would have done a year ago eg. McDonalds! I have come a long way since those days.
Upside is Miss nine has made a full recovery and was released from hospital at 4.30pm today.
So damn tired, do you know how tiring it is to sit and do nothing or read or watch telly, I get less tired climbing mountains and doing bootcamps, wonder why that is.
A whole weekend without exercise! Blast. I missed bootcamp and that made me sad but there will be other bootcamps, there is only one baby girl!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Day 5 of week 1 and we are off
We are off to a flying start I guess. Today I just wasn't that hungry, unusual yes but kind of glad I dont have the over full feeling of yuck. Only had a banana for breaky, grapes for morning tea, some of the left over brocolli bake for lunch and a pizza for dinner. A few diet soft drinks and that is it for me today. When offered more I just didn't feel like it and so I passed. This is good for me but also a little strange, usually I would eat it, usually I would feel hungry after so little. I better not have lost all appetite due to meds, that is a side effect for some. That will not aid in muscle recovery so that I can keep training. Michelle is quite clear on the nutrients needed and I need to follow that if I am to succeed this round. But I am tired........it is all overwhelming at the moment. I need to take this day as a win rather than overthink things.
I went for a run this morning, not successful as a runner, I did 23mins before feeling tired and needing a break, I had used a lot of mind talk to get me that far. The chest was painful and the legs still hurt from the night before. So on the way back I did runs, walks and sprints at different intervals. All up it took me 45mins to do about 6.5km. Better than nothing but I know I shouldn't have run two days in a row. Still running does make me feel good so I am going for that. Not like I don't have a lot of fat still to burn! Working on it.
I love my muscles! Just want to say. Sometimes when I doing a push up I look at them. Sometimes I rub them and squeeze them and flex them. I love them! I have muscles in my arms, all through them. They look awesome and make me feel great. I have these saggy bits (often refered to as tuck shop arms) but they are my trophies of the weight I have lost, I wear them with pride and when I flex my muscles I know I have put in the hard yards. I love muscles!
It was a good day really. The HRM is not working so no idea how many cals I burnt but I reckon I was under the 1200cal mark anyway so probably was a low cal day for me after exercise. I should be happy but I am so damn tired. Take nighty night tablets tonight to get some good sleep. Master 8 has been sick the last few days so I am letting him sleep in my bed, all the more reason to take the nighty nights!
I really hope I snap out of this soon because the family and house need me.
I went for a run this morning, not successful as a runner, I did 23mins before feeling tired and needing a break, I had used a lot of mind talk to get me that far. The chest was painful and the legs still hurt from the night before. So on the way back I did runs, walks and sprints at different intervals. All up it took me 45mins to do about 6.5km. Better than nothing but I know I shouldn't have run two days in a row. Still running does make me feel good so I am going for that. Not like I don't have a lot of fat still to burn! Working on it.
I love my muscles! Just want to say. Sometimes when I doing a push up I look at them. Sometimes I rub them and squeeze them and flex them. I love them! I have muscles in my arms, all through them. They look awesome and make me feel great. I have these saggy bits (often refered to as tuck shop arms) but they are my trophies of the weight I have lost, I wear them with pride and when I flex my muscles I know I have put in the hard yards. I love muscles!
It was a good day really. The HRM is not working so no idea how many cals I burnt but I reckon I was under the 1200cal mark anyway so probably was a low cal day for me after exercise. I should be happy but I am so damn tired. Take nighty night tablets tonight to get some good sleep. Master 8 has been sick the last few days so I am letting him sleep in my bed, all the more reason to take the nighty nights!
I really hope I snap out of this soon because the family and house need me.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
what happened to weigh in day?
You would think that if I lost weight on weigh in day I would want to get on here and tell all how good that feels. Make no mistake a loss of 1.1kg in a week does feel good. It is the right direction, it takes me back to my finishing point last round at 79kg and, being below 80kg, is a very good feeling. I am happy about it make no mistake.
So why not get on here, or the forums, or facebook or the telephone and why eat a third of a tub of frozen yoghurt. Why do that after a low calorie day which was less than a 1000 cals at that point. Why didn't I exercise? Why do the wheels feel like they are falling off? Becuase depression bites and the meds are making me an insomniac and getting up is hard and I feel heavy and tired all damn day. so I went to bed early in the hopes I would get up and work out.
I am finding the whole idea of the advanced program a little complicated to manage right now. An excuse yes but I really just needed to run this morning no matter what the program said. Running is a no brainer, you just get out there and run, no counting sets, no order or sequence of exercises,just running to music which speeds you up and slows you down and one minute you are sprinting and the next jogging and the heart rates goes up, comes down, spikes, comes down but always hovers on that magic 150 beats a minute, that magic calorie buring, fat reducing beat. And that is who I am, I am a runner who still feels fat and would run forever if I could because it makes me feel good about myself. So I want to feel good about myself, I want to run.
The anti-depressants are making me tired and unable to sleep. But I was not hungry, I didn't overeat. Had my lovely oats with blueberries this morning, grapes for morning tea, salad from last night with added tuna for lunch and hubby made the brocolli bake tonight. Delicous (with left overs for tomorrow lunch). This is a good food day. Yes there was a black coffee, two pepsi maxs and one coke zero and a herbal tea in there and a litre or more of water. The drinks may need improvement but I need some caffine if I am to keep working feeling this tired. Diet drinks may not be great but I am forgiving myself. Chocolate is worse? Possibly.
So a long day at work, a run this morning, clean eating and doing weights while in the squat position for about half an hour this evening has nackered my thighs, then some crunches (but on the couch just cause). I reckon that was a good 12wbt day. Come on 68kg!!!! Depression is not going to stop me from getting there, I cannot let it.
So why not get on here, or the forums, or facebook or the telephone and why eat a third of a tub of frozen yoghurt. Why do that after a low calorie day which was less than a 1000 cals at that point. Why didn't I exercise? Why do the wheels feel like they are falling off? Becuase depression bites and the meds are making me an insomniac and getting up is hard and I feel heavy and tired all damn day. so I went to bed early in the hopes I would get up and work out.
I am finding the whole idea of the advanced program a little complicated to manage right now. An excuse yes but I really just needed to run this morning no matter what the program said. Running is a no brainer, you just get out there and run, no counting sets, no order or sequence of exercises,just running to music which speeds you up and slows you down and one minute you are sprinting and the next jogging and the heart rates goes up, comes down, spikes, comes down but always hovers on that magic 150 beats a minute, that magic calorie buring, fat reducing beat. And that is who I am, I am a runner who still feels fat and would run forever if I could because it makes me feel good about myself. So I want to feel good about myself, I want to run.
The anti-depressants are making me tired and unable to sleep. But I was not hungry, I didn't overeat. Had my lovely oats with blueberries this morning, grapes for morning tea, salad from last night with added tuna for lunch and hubby made the brocolli bake tonight. Delicous (with left overs for tomorrow lunch). This is a good food day. Yes there was a black coffee, two pepsi maxs and one coke zero and a herbal tea in there and a litre or more of water. The drinks may need improvement but I need some caffine if I am to keep working feeling this tired. Diet drinks may not be great but I am forgiving myself. Chocolate is worse? Possibly.
So a long day at work, a run this morning, clean eating and doing weights while in the squat position for about half an hour this evening has nackered my thighs, then some crunches (but on the couch just cause). I reckon that was a good 12wbt day. Come on 68kg!!!! Depression is not going to stop me from getting there, I cannot let it.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Day 2 and a new lesson
OK so how was the second day of my 12 twelve weeks (and I am bound to loose count of the days although some dont, day number is irrelevant, they meld in a brain like mine. But there you go, back to how I went today and what did I learn!
No exercise, I ended up taking a sleeping tablet because I hadn't slept a full night in weeks and it wasn't helping my disposition. It is like now I have been diagnosed with depression I can give into the need for a good night sleep. I woke at 6.10am and it was raining so unfortunately there just wasn't time for a work out if I was to make my 8am appointment. No people, not an excuse, try no sleep or broken sleep for weeks and see if you dont finally succumb to the need for a full night without waking. This full night's sleep has made me tired. I will live and I may even excercise while I watch telly later, it wont be a run but it might be some step ups, we will see how we go.
Food: aaahhh, we all know this is my weakness but this is where I learnt a valuable lesson today. I ate a great yummy low cal breaky (oats and blueberries = favourite) and lunch was a plate of vegies left over from last night (no sauces or extras, just the delicious vegies), snacks involved an apricot, a nectarine and a handful of grapes. Serioulsy good so far! Dinner was fish and vegies (barramundi mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm makes me happy). So you see this would easily fall below my 1200cals BUT then came the interesting bit.
My hubby had bought some easter eggs, mini ones, for the kids and Miss 10 asked for one so I said as long as I could have one too, she gave me two and I knew I needed more, it was like a bloody addiction, I did not want to stop. Weigh in tomorrow guys so where was my self control? Out the window, thank God there was only two of the evil eggs left so Miss 10 had one and I had the other. Three damn mini chocolate eggs. Works out to be about 110calories. So figured out my daily total to 1178 cals but even though it still came in under the 1200 I needed to know that I cannot stop when I have started chocolate. There is no point having a treat in the house for a bit here and there when I have the calories up, when I open chocolate I eat to the end. If I ever get control over that I am going to be so happy. Can I say that chocolate of the mini egg wasn't even that nice, I was waiting for the yummy chocolate feel and it came and went so quickly it was hardly worth it. Lesson learned, do not start chocolate, do not buy chocolate and pray to God that the hubby learns not to bring chocolate into the house. Please Please Please let him learn that.
Michelle Bridges is a wise woman when she says do a kitchen makeover, unfortunately my hubby didn't think it applied to him. Buggar.
UPDATE : did the advanced lean and fit day one workout. Bet my butt hurts even more tomorrow.
No exercise, I ended up taking a sleeping tablet because I hadn't slept a full night in weeks and it wasn't helping my disposition. It is like now I have been diagnosed with depression I can give into the need for a good night sleep. I woke at 6.10am and it was raining so unfortunately there just wasn't time for a work out if I was to make my 8am appointment. No people, not an excuse, try no sleep or broken sleep for weeks and see if you dont finally succumb to the need for a full night without waking. This full night's sleep has made me tired. I will live and I may even excercise while I watch telly later, it wont be a run but it might be some step ups, we will see how we go.
Food: aaahhh, we all know this is my weakness but this is where I learnt a valuable lesson today. I ate a great yummy low cal breaky (oats and blueberries = favourite) and lunch was a plate of vegies left over from last night (no sauces or extras, just the delicious vegies), snacks involved an apricot, a nectarine and a handful of grapes. Serioulsy good so far! Dinner was fish and vegies (barramundi mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm makes me happy). So you see this would easily fall below my 1200cals BUT then came the interesting bit.
My hubby had bought some easter eggs, mini ones, for the kids and Miss 10 asked for one so I said as long as I could have one too, she gave me two and I knew I needed more, it was like a bloody addiction, I did not want to stop. Weigh in tomorrow guys so where was my self control? Out the window, thank God there was only two of the evil eggs left so Miss 10 had one and I had the other. Three damn mini chocolate eggs. Works out to be about 110calories. So figured out my daily total to 1178 cals but even though it still came in under the 1200 I needed to know that I cannot stop when I have started chocolate. There is no point having a treat in the house for a bit here and there when I have the calories up, when I open chocolate I eat to the end. If I ever get control over that I am going to be so happy. Can I say that chocolate of the mini egg wasn't even that nice, I was waiting for the yummy chocolate feel and it came and went so quickly it was hardly worth it. Lesson learned, do not start chocolate, do not buy chocolate and pray to God that the hubby learns not to bring chocolate into the house. Please Please Please let him learn that.
Michelle Bridges is a wise woman when she says do a kitchen makeover, unfortunately my hubby didn't think it applied to him. Buggar.
UPDATE : did the advanced lean and fit day one workout. Bet my butt hurts even more tomorrow.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Day 1, Round 1 2011
Well, after all the damn hype and preparation you would think I would have done a whole lot better with my eating on day one of 12wbt.
So exercise was out because after eight days straight I needed a break and I was in massive pain in my bum and thighs from my hikes up that damn Wild Horse mountain. No idea why I did it so many times except that I thought I could and I did thanks to my friend Kimberley who kept me going when I wanted to surrender to the mountain. And the thing about keeping going is that you feel so damn good about having kept going. So almost four goes at it and only short on the last one by a about 20metres and I can live with that because I didn't realise it would be so hard.
And the eating yesterday wasn't the best. Kind of the last chance mentality, which although it didn't lead me to chocolate, still was not a great attitude when it came to Kimberley's Anzac biccies (OMG they were good). But all things considered it could have been a whole lot worse, not like I ate junk food or lollies or stupid things, just my friend and her daughters cooking which I enjoyed every mouthful off and life is too short to be in constant denial.
And so today I ate an ok breaky and it was only 223 calories so I had quite a few up my selve. Dinner was devine being chicken with roast tomato, aspargus and assorted vegies with this delicions mustard sauce. Holy cow that was good. It was only another 282 calories so I am on a roll but what about the middle of the day? Man I am so ashamed at myself. I should have prepared but it all went wrong. We were all supposed to take food to share, one was bringing salad, one was bringing breads and I was bringing fruit. I could have wangled the calories around that but there was no salad, their was a delicous slice that had pastry and sliverbeet and eggs and romano cheese. Too scared to work out calories there. And there was homemade fruit cake, oh dear Lord where was the bread. And so I ate because the meeting went from 10am to 3.30am. It was morning, afternoon tea and lunch combined as one endless scrumy lunch. Now I can hope I didn't go over in calories but my tummy is screaming full full full so I doubt I did myself any favours.
Buggar, bum, shit! Moved the water closer to me several times to try to stay in control but food surrounded me and I was a goner. So much work to do on my excuses and my will power. I am off to a really bad start. We can only improve and hopefully that will be sooner rather than later. I have plenty of left over vegies from tonight for tomorrows lunch. Much better option. Stay away from the food Ruth.
God only knows what Michelle would say. I can say I was diagnosed with depression today so I am now fighting a whole lot more than emotional eating. Anti-depressant nedication can be a killer for weightloss. It could be a tough round.
So exercise was out because after eight days straight I needed a break and I was in massive pain in my bum and thighs from my hikes up that damn Wild Horse mountain. No idea why I did it so many times except that I thought I could and I did thanks to my friend Kimberley who kept me going when I wanted to surrender to the mountain. And the thing about keeping going is that you feel so damn good about having kept going. So almost four goes at it and only short on the last one by a about 20metres and I can live with that because I didn't realise it would be so hard.
And the eating yesterday wasn't the best. Kind of the last chance mentality, which although it didn't lead me to chocolate, still was not a great attitude when it came to Kimberley's Anzac biccies (OMG they were good). But all things considered it could have been a whole lot worse, not like I ate junk food or lollies or stupid things, just my friend and her daughters cooking which I enjoyed every mouthful off and life is too short to be in constant denial.
And so today I ate an ok breaky and it was only 223 calories so I had quite a few up my selve. Dinner was devine being chicken with roast tomato, aspargus and assorted vegies with this delicions mustard sauce. Holy cow that was good. It was only another 282 calories so I am on a roll but what about the middle of the day? Man I am so ashamed at myself. I should have prepared but it all went wrong. We were all supposed to take food to share, one was bringing salad, one was bringing breads and I was bringing fruit. I could have wangled the calories around that but there was no salad, their was a delicous slice that had pastry and sliverbeet and eggs and romano cheese. Too scared to work out calories there. And there was homemade fruit cake, oh dear Lord where was the bread. And so I ate because the meeting went from 10am to 3.30am. It was morning, afternoon tea and lunch combined as one endless scrumy lunch. Now I can hope I didn't go over in calories but my tummy is screaming full full full so I doubt I did myself any favours.
Buggar, bum, shit! Moved the water closer to me several times to try to stay in control but food surrounded me and I was a goner. So much work to do on my excuses and my will power. I am off to a really bad start. We can only improve and hopefully that will be sooner rather than later. I have plenty of left over vegies from tonight for tomorrows lunch. Much better option. Stay away from the food Ruth.
God only knows what Michelle would say. I can say I was diagnosed with depression today so I am now fighting a whole lot more than emotional eating. Anti-depressant nedication can be a killer for weightloss. It could be a tough round.
Friday, February 18, 2011
TGIF
Really what can you say on a Friday except that it makes me happy to go into a weekend. Even a bigger blast now that the weekend has started. So my day in review and my commitment to the secret goal of 68kg.............
Eating, not so bad, not perfect but still under 1200cals so making up for it now with a few prunes. I am not really sure about how Michelle Bridges feels about prunes but I always thought them to be relatively harmless and fill the need for something sweet which I have tonight. I've eaten quite a few now and I really should stop so I will, um after two, no be honest three more.
Exercise, well that was way cool. I ran 5.75km this morning smashing 471 cals and getting it done in 43 minutues so averaging just under 8km/hour. Not bad and if I can increase my distance and that timing I am set for my 10km on 20th March. This is goal 1, to run the 10km twilight run. booking made, time to train.
Secrets to my success:
1. Music helps me run, seriously, I sprinted the last 500m because the music MADE me. Music is very very healthy in many ways.
2. Repeating '68kg how bad do you want it' makes me run faster and harder! My heart rate actually peaked at 184 in that last sprint, that last desperate attempt to get to 68kg yesterday!
OK, eating over for today, 68kg means quite a bit to me!
Tomorrow Jason starts with the PT and begins to move in a new direction, thank God, he is enjoying seeing the weight come off now he has given up the soft drinks.
I get to do my first Redlands bootcamp.
LIfe is good if you dont count work.
Eating, not so bad, not perfect but still under 1200cals so making up for it now with a few prunes. I am not really sure about how Michelle Bridges feels about prunes but I always thought them to be relatively harmless and fill the need for something sweet which I have tonight. I've eaten quite a few now and I really should stop so I will, um after two, no be honest three more.
Exercise, well that was way cool. I ran 5.75km this morning smashing 471 cals and getting it done in 43 minutues so averaging just under 8km/hour. Not bad and if I can increase my distance and that timing I am set for my 10km on 20th March. This is goal 1, to run the 10km twilight run. booking made, time to train.
Secrets to my success:
1. Music helps me run, seriously, I sprinted the last 500m because the music MADE me. Music is very very healthy in many ways.
2. Repeating '68kg how bad do you want it' makes me run faster and harder! My heart rate actually peaked at 184 in that last sprint, that last desperate attempt to get to 68kg yesterday!
OK, eating over for today, 68kg means quite a bit to me!
Tomorrow Jason starts with the PT and begins to move in a new direction, thank God, he is enjoying seeing the weight come off now he has given up the soft drinks.
I get to do my first Redlands bootcamp.
LIfe is good if you dont count work.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
No good, very bad, ugly day
I exercised this morning and was disappointed that I only killed off 245cals doing Michelle's supershredder workout. This tells me I am now a lot fitter than when I started and even though I was working hard I must have more in the tank. Or maybe I am just a whole heap fitter. That's good news I guess.
I ate well, didn't over eat, was under 1200cals with all the appropriate nutrients, no chocolate, no nasty snacks, no junk. That is good news I guess.
I lost my temper, big time, really big time and I realised I have been snapping all week at work at home everywhere but none the less 'loose my temper' holy shit, I dont do that. I reckon meanness is going to get me every bloody time and I have been working and living with mean for a few weeks now and so I snapped. I feel like shit, not because they didn't deserve it, because they are nasty to me everyday so even if I got this one wrong they are still mean to me (rolling eyes and not saying anything to me no matter what I say can be interpreted as 'mean'), but because I let myself get really pissed off. They demanded an apology so I gave one but it wasn't sincere, now of course I am sorry I snapped, it wasn't right and there is always a better way. And one was tantamount to calling me a lier and after saying that she said I was unprofessional both of which just made me angrier with them. And with the apology they both stormed off and didn't even accept it anyway. Blah, who is umprofessonal now. I feel like crap. On the downside I would usually turn to food, on the upside I didn't do that. 68kg, is it worth it to me, yes yes yes.
But the repercussions will come, they always do. So I owned up to my boss, I apologied to those I snapped at but still there is a culture of bullying here and so that means this is not over, not by a long shot.
Sux to be me right now.
I ate well, didn't over eat, was under 1200cals with all the appropriate nutrients, no chocolate, no nasty snacks, no junk. That is good news I guess.
I lost my temper, big time, really big time and I realised I have been snapping all week at work at home everywhere but none the less 'loose my temper' holy shit, I dont do that. I reckon meanness is going to get me every bloody time and I have been working and living with mean for a few weeks now and so I snapped. I feel like shit, not because they didn't deserve it, because they are nasty to me everyday so even if I got this one wrong they are still mean to me (rolling eyes and not saying anything to me no matter what I say can be interpreted as 'mean'), but because I let myself get really pissed off. They demanded an apology so I gave one but it wasn't sincere, now of course I am sorry I snapped, it wasn't right and there is always a better way. And one was tantamount to calling me a lier and after saying that she said I was unprofessional both of which just made me angrier with them. And with the apology they both stormed off and didn't even accept it anyway. Blah, who is umprofessonal now. I feel like crap. On the downside I would usually turn to food, on the upside I didn't do that. 68kg, is it worth it to me, yes yes yes.
But the repercussions will come, they always do. So I owned up to my boss, I apologied to those I snapped at but still there is a culture of bullying here and so that means this is not over, not by a long shot.
Sux to be me right now.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
already complacent!
So I have this new goal in mind, it was going to be 70kg which is the goal I want to achieve but I have a secret dream goal of 68kg which gets me into a healthy BMI which would be way cool and when I was running this morning I actaully was pushing myself "is 68kg worth it?" hell yeah and so I ran harder and faster! Good work! So can anyone tell me why I ate dips and buiscuits in the arvo, apple slice and then three fruit buns plus my three meals????? Anyone? Just fuck fuck fuck! Why is it when I exercise I am committed 100% but when it comes to eating I talk myself into all sorts of things. Like today it was 'ah but kickoff isn't until Monday' and 'today was weigh in, you can get it off before next one'. These are really negative ways to think and I would be better off saying things like 'is 68kg worth it?' which it is.
This is not emotional eating, this is opportune eating, the food is there and I eat it. No wonder kitchen make overs are so bloody important, nonetheless this food was not at home.
I am driving myself nuts and now have to find yet more solutions to these ridiculous excuses. I want to achieve on this round of 12wbt, this is the one I want to get to my healthy bmi with. Sux to be eating all the time. I need more SELF CONTROL and I have no doubt that will mean more SELF ESTEEM!
This is not emotional eating, this is opportune eating, the food is there and I eat it. No wonder kitchen make overs are so bloody important, nonetheless this food was not at home.
I am driving myself nuts and now have to find yet more solutions to these ridiculous excuses. I want to achieve on this round of 12wbt, this is the one I want to get to my healthy bmi with. Sux to be eating all the time. I need more SELF CONTROL and I have no doubt that will mean more SELF ESTEEM!
Monday, February 14, 2011
it was a chocolate day, but it was MY choice!
I wasn't sad, I didn't feel bad, I wasn't blaming anyone, I just felt like a bit of chocolate and I enjoyed every mouthful. Since my calorie count to that point was under 700 cals and since I am not eating any more tonight I will live with my choice. At least I have come a long way and can truthfully say I could have said no but I choose to say yes, for now given my low calorie count. I will wear the cost.
Now in the meatime I have discovered that if I hit 68kilos I will fall in the 'healthy bmi' range. My goal was to get to 70 but now I am thinking, since I am learning so much, I could really do that, it is achieveable, this could be my goal! A healthy BMI!!!! Not fat but healthy. Of course I may find myself a little to thin, or worse a little too baggy of skin but for now I reckon it is a goal worth trying for.
Today I diarised. I really diarised. I dont think I did this in previous rounds, it was kind of more of an 'of course I will' but this time I did it for real including booking in that mini milestone 10k Twilight run on 20th March. I really did it! I am going to do it and I dont care if I have to crawl I am finishing. So damn exciting. It took me all afternoon but it was worth it. I put in my work stuff too so I know where I am and when I am working weekends, I can see each month at a glance and therefore will be able to put in more as I want to. This is cool.
Hey Mish, I diarised and that is cool.
So next stop is measures. Anyone know where my tape measure is? Totes Whateves, I will get a new one if I have too.
Look out healthy BMI I am chasing you down!!! I feel so much stronger in myself this round, I am coming into it with such a huge breakthrough I really feel like I am in control. It had to happen. I expect setbacks, breakdowns and breakthroughs. The journey isn't over, it is just beginning.
Roll on 12wbt kickoff.
Now in the meatime I have discovered that if I hit 68kilos I will fall in the 'healthy bmi' range. My goal was to get to 70 but now I am thinking, since I am learning so much, I could really do that, it is achieveable, this could be my goal! A healthy BMI!!!! Not fat but healthy. Of course I may find myself a little to thin, or worse a little too baggy of skin but for now I reckon it is a goal worth trying for.
Today I diarised. I really diarised. I dont think I did this in previous rounds, it was kind of more of an 'of course I will' but this time I did it for real including booking in that mini milestone 10k Twilight run on 20th March. I really did it! I am going to do it and I dont care if I have to crawl I am finishing. So damn exciting. It took me all afternoon but it was worth it. I put in my work stuff too so I know where I am and when I am working weekends, I can see each month at a glance and therefore will be able to put in more as I want to. This is cool.
Hey Mish, I diarised and that is cool.
So next stop is measures. Anyone know where my tape measure is? Totes Whateves, I will get a new one if I have too.
Look out healthy BMI I am chasing you down!!! I feel so much stronger in myself this round, I am coming into it with such a huge breakthrough I really feel like I am in control. It had to happen. I expect setbacks, breakdowns and breakthroughs. The journey isn't over, it is just beginning.
Roll on 12wbt kickoff.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Finally beginning to see the light
So I bought the Crunchtime book (already had the recipe book which I use all the time) and I began to read. Holy Cow, how does the beautiful, skinny, fit Michelle get inside my head again and again, now in book, twitter, forums, podcasts, again and again. She is one amazing woman.
I think I had a break through moment yesterday.........I think (actually I am certain but lets go with think for the readers) I play the victim. Now there is a big part of me worrying about failing, even after the massive weight loss last year, even though I am still moving and eating right. I mean I might not be loosing but neither am I gaining. So not sure about that. Nonetheless it is time to man up to my victim stuff. Afterall, I am letting myself be the victim when I emotionally eat because I felt shitty, had a bad day whatever and I blame Jason for bringing the food in the house in the first place. If only it never came in at all. Even so, as I write this I have an overwhelming desire for chocolate, not because the day was bad, on the contrary, bootcamps make for awesome bloody good big buscuit days. I love bootcamp days. Looking forward to another next week.
I am overweight because I overeat
I overeat because I can blame it on anyone but me and get away with it, or better yet not even be found out. I overeat because I am weak, I blame it on a situation rather than take control. I overeat because it feeds my delusion that I am a victim. I turn to food when things go wrong because it is a way of punishing myself, to fail is to fail, it hurts but sometimes I dont feel worthy of winning (anyone say victim?). I care, I really care. I hide my eating so as to pretend to myself it is not happening and I beat myself up because I know I can do better. I haven't put weight back on this time because I am learning and I have been taking a lot better care of myself since Mich gave me the 12wbt. Time to find another way to deal with crap.
I absolutely commit to the 12wbt and intend to follow it as closely as I can to maximise my weight loss. Getting the healthy bmi is the goal.
I must control all emotional eating and it starts today.
Boot camp was awesome smashing 700+ cals, eating was controlled today and definitely stayed under 1200cals. I love it when I get it right.
I think I had a break through moment yesterday.........I think (actually I am certain but lets go with think for the readers) I play the victim. Now there is a big part of me worrying about failing, even after the massive weight loss last year, even though I am still moving and eating right. I mean I might not be loosing but neither am I gaining. So not sure about that. Nonetheless it is time to man up to my victim stuff. Afterall, I am letting myself be the victim when I emotionally eat because I felt shitty, had a bad day whatever and I blame Jason for bringing the food in the house in the first place. If only it never came in at all. Even so, as I write this I have an overwhelming desire for chocolate, not because the day was bad, on the contrary, bootcamps make for awesome bloody good big buscuit days. I love bootcamp days. Looking forward to another next week.
I am overweight because I overeat
I overeat because I can blame it on anyone but me and get away with it, or better yet not even be found out. I overeat because I am weak, I blame it on a situation rather than take control. I overeat because it feeds my delusion that I am a victim. I turn to food when things go wrong because it is a way of punishing myself, to fail is to fail, it hurts but sometimes I dont feel worthy of winning (anyone say victim?). I care, I really care. I hide my eating so as to pretend to myself it is not happening and I beat myself up because I know I can do better. I haven't put weight back on this time because I am learning and I have been taking a lot better care of myself since Mich gave me the 12wbt. Time to find another way to deal with crap.
I absolutely commit to the 12wbt and intend to follow it as closely as I can to maximise my weight loss. Getting the healthy bmi is the goal.
I must control all emotional eating and it starts today.
Boot camp was awesome smashing 700+ cals, eating was controlled today and definitely stayed under 1200cals. I love it when I get it right.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Feel like giving up and we havent started
I'm a fucking drama queen! So it was a bad day/week whatever! Serveral things threw me back to the 'punish yourself' stage and of course I punish with eating. I am so concious of that this morning I almost have it under contol.
So lets see, there was the serious of work emaisl intimating I could do better when I have worked my arse off. I put in extra hours I never claimed for and I wont because I wanted my training to be awesome! I wont nag people for worksheets when they are volunteers and if I push too hard they will run away. I wont do anything to jepardise my success BUT it isn't going fast enough for some. So it is thrown back on me that I can work smarter. I am smart! BUT now I think am I too slow, have I got it wrong, am I good enough????? Now I feel like shit, am doubting myself and second guessing. This sux and I am sad that everyone around me is sad for other things, and I listen and I try to be helpful, thoughtful, thought provoking, anything that will get us through another day. I try to support them. It is draining and I am wondering right at this minute who supports me? So I dont feel worthy or good enough. And nothing anyone says right at this moment will change my self concept because my dad spent years ensuring I would feel this way. I fight years of brainwashing (or was it brainwashing she asks herself, lump in throat).
Roll in home life, supposed haven and soft place to fall but it isn't. Everyone here is yelling, no one helps anyone and yes, failure as a mother springs to mind. Failure as a wife, as a provider, as a housecleaner, as a person! Drama queen maybe but this is seriously hurting me and I want to punish myself for being such a failure. There is chocolate in the fridge, Jason put it there yesterday, he will yell at me if I eat it thereby making me feel even worse about me.
And then there is the chest pain. I didn't run this morning, no SSS for me because I am scared and maybe just a bit lazy. Afterall I am failing at everything else why not this as well. If I could only do push ups until I was dead..........now for the self loathing, enough to have those terrible suicical thoughts, and they are real make not mistake. I have fought this for years, exercise helps but right now I am paralyised with fear and self loathing and an overwhelming sense of failure.
I stuggle that we are a week of from kick off, I have done this three times before and I am still struggling. Still! God when does it all become natural, could someone just help me find my internal switch. Why the hell am I so resistant? Why, after loosing 30kg last year do I still feel a failure at this?????
I hope I am at least fit enough for a fun run, give me something to really work towards. I may have to forgo the Hoffy Burpee Challenge madness but I'll be buggared if I will give up the fun run.
Now if my motivation to eat right was even closely as there as the running I would nail this. I need to nail this! I just need to do it! Please let me have at least one thing I am good at. I need at least one success.
So lets see, there was the serious of work emaisl intimating I could do better when I have worked my arse off. I put in extra hours I never claimed for and I wont because I wanted my training to be awesome! I wont nag people for worksheets when they are volunteers and if I push too hard they will run away. I wont do anything to jepardise my success BUT it isn't going fast enough for some. So it is thrown back on me that I can work smarter. I am smart! BUT now I think am I too slow, have I got it wrong, am I good enough????? Now I feel like shit, am doubting myself and second guessing. This sux and I am sad that everyone around me is sad for other things, and I listen and I try to be helpful, thoughtful, thought provoking, anything that will get us through another day. I try to support them. It is draining and I am wondering right at this minute who supports me? So I dont feel worthy or good enough. And nothing anyone says right at this moment will change my self concept because my dad spent years ensuring I would feel this way. I fight years of brainwashing (or was it brainwashing she asks herself, lump in throat).
Roll in home life, supposed haven and soft place to fall but it isn't. Everyone here is yelling, no one helps anyone and yes, failure as a mother springs to mind. Failure as a wife, as a provider, as a housecleaner, as a person! Drama queen maybe but this is seriously hurting me and I want to punish myself for being such a failure. There is chocolate in the fridge, Jason put it there yesterday, he will yell at me if I eat it thereby making me feel even worse about me.
And then there is the chest pain. I didn't run this morning, no SSS for me because I am scared and maybe just a bit lazy. Afterall I am failing at everything else why not this as well. If I could only do push ups until I was dead..........now for the self loathing, enough to have those terrible suicical thoughts, and they are real make not mistake. I have fought this for years, exercise helps but right now I am paralyised with fear and self loathing and an overwhelming sense of failure.
I stuggle that we are a week of from kick off, I have done this three times before and I am still struggling. Still! God when does it all become natural, could someone just help me find my internal switch. Why the hell am I so resistant? Why, after loosing 30kg last year do I still feel a failure at this?????
I hope I am at least fit enough for a fun run, give me something to really work towards. I may have to forgo the Hoffy Burpee Challenge madness but I'll be buggared if I will give up the fun run.
Now if my motivation to eat right was even closely as there as the running I would nail this. I need to nail this! I just need to do it! Please let me have at least one thing I am good at. I need at least one success.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
didn't weigh in.............not in the weighing mood
Oh yeah, the day got better and worse and better and worse and life is truly a roller coaster but it is not supposed to be all of that in one day. As I reflected on this morning's post I was left wondering still as to what exactly my problem was but I did know that I was out of control, I had Jason not do what I thought he should, I cannot do the exercise that I want to and life at work got down and dirty with bitchiness that I dont want to be a part of but I am by default while I try to work out why it is happening and give support to my colleagues. All in all, an emotional roller coaster. Riding the waves is not as easy as it has been in the past. And culturally speaking food is often the way we connect with others. Is this an excuse? Not really, it is my job to find that connection with others and if I have to do that with food then that is the expectation. I hate myself for it, I need to find yet more compromises. I have to say though, that while I do this for connectedness I overdo it for my greed! Yes, I could stop at one biscuit, but I stop at six. I could stop at a bit of a biccie and make it last but I stop at six.
I must regain control of my life! regain control of my eating! regain control of my exercising. After three rounds with Michelle helping me get into the drivers seat I seemed to have fallen into the back seat and I am hurtling out of control. Seriously I cant even say this started Saturday with the chest pain, that is just when it became clearer, the feeling of out-of-controledness. hmmmmmmmmmm! Help me, I am falling in a heap.
So, the start of getting my life back on track was to begin the exercise again. I ran this afternoon, I never run in the afternoon but it was somewhere to start. I only ran a short distance and ran around the park with the kids. I killed off 230 calories but given the amount of liquorice I consumed I doubt it made much of a difference to my weight. Thank God it makes a difference to my mind set. Well it was a start. Now to get through the night! And another day tomorrow where I can get back into it and NO MORE BLOODY EXCUSES. They really dont help.
I must regain control of my life! regain control of my eating! regain control of my exercising. After three rounds with Michelle helping me get into the drivers seat I seemed to have fallen into the back seat and I am hurtling out of control. Seriously I cant even say this started Saturday with the chest pain, that is just when it became clearer, the feeling of out-of-controledness. hmmmmmmmmmm! Help me, I am falling in a heap.
So, the start of getting my life back on track was to begin the exercise again. I ran this afternoon, I never run in the afternoon but it was somewhere to start. I only ran a short distance and ran around the park with the kids. I killed off 230 calories but given the amount of liquorice I consumed I doubt it made much of a difference to my weight. Thank God it makes a difference to my mind set. Well it was a start. Now to get through the night! And another day tomorrow where I can get back into it and NO MORE BLOODY EXCUSES. They really dont help.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
dont post when I feel I have been bad
You see, I think I am always going to be an emotional eater AND when I do that I feel even worse about myself and I dont blog and I dont go on the forums or twitter or even facebook. I feel bad! I am not so sure that 12wbt helps with this or makes me feel worse. When you make a commitment and you are not doing the hard work and you are finding the excuses everything falls apart and then................I eat. Is that a surprise. So how to get out of this funk. Maybe I need more solutions to those excuses. A big one right now is 'it hasn't started yet' just one more week wont hurt but of course I am not going in the right direction of weightloss. And why do all these other 12wbters go in the right direction while I am being left behind.
YOu know I am watching TBL for the first time ever and I am crying a lot through it. Unfortunately I recognise myself in the Sharlene's and the Greg's and after all this time I would very much like to know why I am not further along in my mind changing process.
I still want health and longevity as my main focus and goal. It is really important to me, but sometimes that damn demon black dog gets hold and sometimes that means I dont want longevity at all. When those chest pains struck I was readying myself to die, I couldn't move and no one was running for the telephone to get help. I still dont know why no one actually cared but I stopped caring about myself again now. And it is making me feel dreadful. I am crying now because I finally realised just how much this hurts me. No one actually cared when I thought I was dieing and the next day when the pain was still there and I called for my own help and I went to the hospital my husband came and slept beside me. I dont think anyone cares if I live or die, so why should I?
Who am I do ing this for anyway? I think it is time to reevaluate everything. I am stuck. AND I am eating along with my stuckedness. I have a dreadful feeling this is going to be a very very hard round if I keep blogging and being so honest. Now I have a headache and I cant stop crying. Great day!
YOu know I am watching TBL for the first time ever and I am crying a lot through it. Unfortunately I recognise myself in the Sharlene's and the Greg's and after all this time I would very much like to know why I am not further along in my mind changing process.
I still want health and longevity as my main focus and goal. It is really important to me, but sometimes that damn demon black dog gets hold and sometimes that means I dont want longevity at all. When those chest pains struck I was readying myself to die, I couldn't move and no one was running for the telephone to get help. I still dont know why no one actually cared but I stopped caring about myself again now. And it is making me feel dreadful. I am crying now because I finally realised just how much this hurts me. No one actually cared when I thought I was dieing and the next day when the pain was still there and I called for my own help and I went to the hospital my husband came and slept beside me. I dont think anyone cares if I live or die, so why should I?
Who am I do ing this for anyway? I think it is time to reevaluate everything. I am stuck. AND I am eating along with my stuckedness. I have a dreadful feeling this is going to be a very very hard round if I keep blogging and being so honest. Now I have a headache and I cant stop crying. Great day!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Where have I been and why chest pain makes for a bitch of a day
Well I am buggared and thats the truth. I can barely keep my eyes open and it is 7am. No blogging for a few days, been working so damn hard and then there was the chest pain...............now that makes for a bitch of a day (or two).
Friday, not sure if I ate well, it was so long ago but I certainly exercised well and I like that. I didn't go as far but I did go and that makes me always feel like the day will be good. And it had its up and downs but it was inspiring too which led me to a night on the computer making "family strength cards" for my training the next day and it only took me to midnight (eecccckkkkk). Roll into Saturday.
And I am off but not running because there is so much to do when you work on a weekend. Life does not stop and so I got up and houseworked and prepared a little more for my training. I train people to be specialist foster carers, damn fine job people. And after I have trained them, I train them more to be even better carers. One of the most rewarding jobs in the history of mankind but it would be very very cool if my job was not needed, just imagine a world where no child was hurt, abused, neglected or denied their basic rights. Now that would be a world worth living in. But alas, I digress. I did not overeat, I was up and moving, I was high on adrenalin and I was loving my day BUT then it was over and I came home. A headache appeared from no where so pain killers were in order. My shoulders felt tight so my darling daughter massaged my shoulders for about 30minutes (this kid is nine, she is awesome). And I dosed but came too with chest pain, pain that intensified until I couldn't move in my bed. My husband asked if I wanted an ambulance but I was convinced I was going to die by then and I wanted to stay with the children and reassure them I loved them just they way they are. It seemed important and Jason wasn't racing for the phone so I figured he wasn't that worried. Inside me the pain was like a pressure bandage that was get tighter from all angles. Surprisingly after about half an hour the pain began to subside and I slept. I was woken for dinner and with eyes half shut I ate flavourless food from a Chinese shop. I cannot say what the calories were, I can say that I didn't enjoy it and would trade for one of Michelle Bridges amazing Asian recipes any day of the week. I went back to bed, tired, worn out and worried.
Roll into Sunday and I am up and still tired and sore but not letting on because I am back to the housework and back into training the applicants in what it is to provide foster care. I am still loving it and I am ignoring any niggling pain because I am at work and a trainer and I am upbeat when I train. No one wants to be trained by the boring voice of an automaton.
I came home and the pain was still there. Now this cannot be right. I have now not exercised since Friday morning and it is Sunday night and I feel like shit. I telephone 13HEALTH and tell them what is been going on. Next thing I know I have two ambulances 'taking me seriously' and worrying even though I say surely this is just anxiety because I am in the midst of training. Nonetheless I dont feel anxious and I dont understand. Nice one, a night at the hospital, always goes well on an empty stomach. Cause when they say no food or water suddenly you are so thirsty and hungry it hurts.
So the outcome, and I bet you couldn't wait! but I made you anyway because the mark of a good training is to hold their attention to the last minute..........can I swear? yes I believe I can..........fucking chest pain is muscle/skeletal quite possibly from doing push ups, tricep dips and burpees followed by moving furniture. This serioulsy bites! I feel worse about this than a bloody heart attack I think. To not be able to do these exercises until it heals, fuck fuck fuck. Now that my friends is all I have to say on that.
NO I did not get up and run this morning. I am washed out and tired. I am so bloody tired and now to the grocery shopping (or dear is that lifting????? of course it bloody is but you can bet your boots there will be no help from anyone for me because I may not be able to exercise but I still have to look after this family). Lucky me, lucky lucky me.
Does anyone pickup my sense of desperation?
Friday, not sure if I ate well, it was so long ago but I certainly exercised well and I like that. I didn't go as far but I did go and that makes me always feel like the day will be good. And it had its up and downs but it was inspiring too which led me to a night on the computer making "family strength cards" for my training the next day and it only took me to midnight (eecccckkkkk). Roll into Saturday.
And I am off but not running because there is so much to do when you work on a weekend. Life does not stop and so I got up and houseworked and prepared a little more for my training. I train people to be specialist foster carers, damn fine job people. And after I have trained them, I train them more to be even better carers. One of the most rewarding jobs in the history of mankind but it would be very very cool if my job was not needed, just imagine a world where no child was hurt, abused, neglected or denied their basic rights. Now that would be a world worth living in. But alas, I digress. I did not overeat, I was up and moving, I was high on adrenalin and I was loving my day BUT then it was over and I came home. A headache appeared from no where so pain killers were in order. My shoulders felt tight so my darling daughter massaged my shoulders for about 30minutes (this kid is nine, she is awesome). And I dosed but came too with chest pain, pain that intensified until I couldn't move in my bed. My husband asked if I wanted an ambulance but I was convinced I was going to die by then and I wanted to stay with the children and reassure them I loved them just they way they are. It seemed important and Jason wasn't racing for the phone so I figured he wasn't that worried. Inside me the pain was like a pressure bandage that was get tighter from all angles. Surprisingly after about half an hour the pain began to subside and I slept. I was woken for dinner and with eyes half shut I ate flavourless food from a Chinese shop. I cannot say what the calories were, I can say that I didn't enjoy it and would trade for one of Michelle Bridges amazing Asian recipes any day of the week. I went back to bed, tired, worn out and worried.
Roll into Sunday and I am up and still tired and sore but not letting on because I am back to the housework and back into training the applicants in what it is to provide foster care. I am still loving it and I am ignoring any niggling pain because I am at work and a trainer and I am upbeat when I train. No one wants to be trained by the boring voice of an automaton.
I came home and the pain was still there. Now this cannot be right. I have now not exercised since Friday morning and it is Sunday night and I feel like shit. I telephone 13HEALTH and tell them what is been going on. Next thing I know I have two ambulances 'taking me seriously' and worrying even though I say surely this is just anxiety because I am in the midst of training. Nonetheless I dont feel anxious and I dont understand. Nice one, a night at the hospital, always goes well on an empty stomach. Cause when they say no food or water suddenly you are so thirsty and hungry it hurts.
So the outcome, and I bet you couldn't wait! but I made you anyway because the mark of a good training is to hold their attention to the last minute..........can I swear? yes I believe I can..........fucking chest pain is muscle/skeletal quite possibly from doing push ups, tricep dips and burpees followed by moving furniture. This serioulsy bites! I feel worse about this than a bloody heart attack I think. To not be able to do these exercises until it heals, fuck fuck fuck. Now that my friends is all I have to say on that.
NO I did not get up and run this morning. I am washed out and tired. I am so bloody tired and now to the grocery shopping (or dear is that lifting????? of course it bloody is but you can bet your boots there will be no help from anyone for me because I may not be able to exercise but I still have to look after this family). Lucky me, lucky lucky me.
Does anyone pickup my sense of desperation?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Feeling fat tonight
Not that I was bad I just feel massively bloated and generally yuck.
Got up and ran and did 3.5 x 16 superset (got the half for only having time to do eight on the last one) and smashed 389calories. It felt good to get out there and I really am water proof, didn't melt at all when it began to rain. This is and always will be the best way to start a day.
Eating was bad througout morning tea and afternoon tea was hardly better involving chocolate m n ms. Crap things but I was feeling so friggin low from shit at work I hardly noticed. And the darling new 12wbter, Selina tried to get me to think happy thoughts but I didn't have any left, all run dry.
Did good at dinner though and after dinner when I craved sweet I went for the frozen blue berries instead of the frozen icecream! I am proud of me for my little win.
If only I didn't feel so fat.
The Biggest Loser made me cry a bit. Seeing how upset Michelle was with her weight gain and then again with wearing those weights. Damn near broke my heart. She really does care about us all, we are so lucky to be on her team. I am meeting her half way or at least giving it my best shot.
Got up and ran and did 3.5 x 16 superset (got the half for only having time to do eight on the last one) and smashed 389calories. It felt good to get out there and I really am water proof, didn't melt at all when it began to rain. This is and always will be the best way to start a day.
Eating was bad througout morning tea and afternoon tea was hardly better involving chocolate m n ms. Crap things but I was feeling so friggin low from shit at work I hardly noticed. And the darling new 12wbter, Selina tried to get me to think happy thoughts but I didn't have any left, all run dry.
Did good at dinner though and after dinner when I craved sweet I went for the frozen blue berries instead of the frozen icecream! I am proud of me for my little win.
If only I didn't feel so fat.
The Biggest Loser made me cry a bit. Seeing how upset Michelle was with her weight gain and then again with wearing those weights. Damn near broke my heart. She really does care about us all, we are so lucky to be on her team. I am meeting her half way or at least giving it my best shot.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A little weight loss, a lot of happiness
Oh what a day. We started by running,no excuses friends and even though the asthma kicked in I didn't give up, I walked but I didn't give up. The coughing started so I knew it was time to listen to the body and walking is not all bad. then of course the bowels kicked in and I knew it was time to cut the run/walk short. None the less it was 379calories smashed and I am happy with that. It did mean I was off to a late start but all in all I was happy.
I got home to a weigh in. Bless those damn scales witha 1.2kg weight loss this week. Now I am still not at my end of round 3 2010 weight but it was a loss and that is the right direction. Thank you bootcamp and running! Exercise rocks. And even though I have been exploring my excuses and not always eating healthy I still do my best to do my best (LOL, blonde moment). No, I am all about giving it a go. I am so damn happy with a weight loss.
Roll on the rest of my day and there may have been a small cake after lunch and some frozen yoghurt after dinner but garunteed it was still around 1200cals for the day. A good day, a happy day! A day of exercise, of predominantly healthy eating (thank you Jason for the deliciously cooked snapper), a day of friends, a day of work and a day of rest, a day of fun, a day of thoughts, a day thinking about how Michelle has changed my life and with her help I will continue to transform into the best version of me.
THIS WAS A HAPPY 12WBT DAY!
I got home to a weigh in. Bless those damn scales witha 1.2kg weight loss this week. Now I am still not at my end of round 3 2010 weight but it was a loss and that is the right direction. Thank you bootcamp and running! Exercise rocks. And even though I have been exploring my excuses and not always eating healthy I still do my best to do my best (LOL, blonde moment). No, I am all about giving it a go. I am so damn happy with a weight loss.
Roll on the rest of my day and there may have been a small cake after lunch and some frozen yoghurt after dinner but garunteed it was still around 1200cals for the day. A good day, a happy day! A day of exercise, of predominantly healthy eating (thank you Jason for the deliciously cooked snapper), a day of friends, a day of work and a day of rest, a day of fun, a day of thoughts, a day thinking about how Michelle has changed my life and with her help I will continue to transform into the best version of me.
THIS WAS A HAPPY 12WBT DAY!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
A no excuses day: a no exercise day
hmmm, well it was a clean eating day,no icecream, no silliness and the best best best vegie stir fry with oyster sauce, thank you Michelle Bridges and your Crunchtime book. I haven't met a recipe I didn't like yet. There was no left overs, even the kids loved it so it was a big time winner.
A little bit of chocolate passed my lips but I avoided all other temptation turning to prunes (may regret that soon as my tummy is rejecting something) instead of crap. I even passed up the vending machine even though bullets were at the front. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS that would appear to be the key to it all for me. It is a good thing to learn, lets see how long I can last on happy thoughts.
Hey wouldn't it be awesome to get skinny on happy thoughts. Oh whats your secret Ruth? Happy Thoughts! No I mean are you dieting? Yes, on happy thoughts! Oh all right of course I will be saying 'happy thoughts and 12wbt'. I am starting to feel more confident at being able to get through but can I get back to you. I am about to train carers all weekend and it is fully catered and I have a tendency to love free food. Lets call it a red flag and figure out how the hell I am going to manage!!! May be time to enlist some help.
happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
I wanna run tomorrow, lets see if I can find an excuse not to go. Getting my gear ready tonight so that wont be one of them.
A little bit of chocolate passed my lips but I avoided all other temptation turning to prunes (may regret that soon as my tummy is rejecting something) instead of crap. I even passed up the vending machine even though bullets were at the front. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS that would appear to be the key to it all for me. It is a good thing to learn, lets see how long I can last on happy thoughts.
Hey wouldn't it be awesome to get skinny on happy thoughts. Oh whats your secret Ruth? Happy Thoughts! No I mean are you dieting? Yes, on happy thoughts! Oh all right of course I will be saying 'happy thoughts and 12wbt'. I am starting to feel more confident at being able to get through but can I get back to you. I am about to train carers all weekend and it is fully catered and I have a tendency to love free food. Lets call it a red flag and figure out how the hell I am going to manage!!! May be time to enlist some help.
happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
I wanna run tomorrow, lets see if I can find an excuse not to go. Getting my gear ready tonight so that wont be one of them.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Excuses, excuses oh and yet more excuses
So I finally am beginning to see the bigger picture. And the excuses are ALL on the food! No wonder I got this way and no wonder I am struggling to change. I am full of damn excuses and I pull 'em out one by one and sometimes, get this, sometimes, I suppress them so I can do what I want to do because to logically think 'what is the excuse I am using' would mean I would have to find a solution so to not think about it means I dont have to find a solution and away I go stuffing my face with crap.
So what happened today???? At morning tea out came the cheese and biccies and it was 11.20am and I was hungry because it was close to lunch time so I LET myself eat it including the cake. Maybe that was controlable and maybe it wasn't and I certainly didn't eat lunch so perhaps the damage was not too severe but maybe it was. Best not to think! Dont think about it and it wont make you fat! If only that worked.
Dinner came and went without me so I pulled out my trusty tuna meals and 400cals later it wasn't ALL bad given I had not snacked, good for me. So then what happened?????
I was sitting thinking maybe some frozen yogurt would hit the sweet spot so I got me a small serve, which would have been alright, except for I smothered it with strawberry topping. Why? Well I just didn't want to think. Three fucking bowls later and I was thinking and none of it was pleasant. Things like:
* just one more bowl
* when its gone I wont have to worry about this anymore
* its Jason fault, he shouldn't have bought it
* I can work this stuff off and Jason cant so I may as well eat it
* it will serve Jason right after bringing this stuff in my house
Who the hell was I hurting here? Just me. Anyone want to help with the solutions?
* no bowl would be better
* I could pour the damn stuff out
* pouring it out and Jason could pay that way
* I am not responsible for Jason but I am for me and I deserve better
* Jason has to learn in his own time
Why, why do I do this to myself? Why do I think I can fix this? Why do I think I can wait until week one starts? Why am I not getting into this now?
I have a long way to go but right now I need to add more excuses to my damn long, and ever growing, list.
I hate my eating issues. When does it become a disorder. Surely that was tantamount to binging!!!!!
So what happened today???? At morning tea out came the cheese and biccies and it was 11.20am and I was hungry because it was close to lunch time so I LET myself eat it including the cake. Maybe that was controlable and maybe it wasn't and I certainly didn't eat lunch so perhaps the damage was not too severe but maybe it was. Best not to think! Dont think about it and it wont make you fat! If only that worked.
Dinner came and went without me so I pulled out my trusty tuna meals and 400cals later it wasn't ALL bad given I had not snacked, good for me. So then what happened?????
I was sitting thinking maybe some frozen yogurt would hit the sweet spot so I got me a small serve, which would have been alright, except for I smothered it with strawberry topping. Why? Well I just didn't want to think. Three fucking bowls later and I was thinking and none of it was pleasant. Things like:
* just one more bowl
* when its gone I wont have to worry about this anymore
* its Jason fault, he shouldn't have bought it
* I can work this stuff off and Jason cant so I may as well eat it
* it will serve Jason right after bringing this stuff in my house
Who the hell was I hurting here? Just me. Anyone want to help with the solutions?
* no bowl would be better
* I could pour the damn stuff out
* pouring it out and Jason could pay that way
* I am not responsible for Jason but I am for me and I deserve better
* Jason has to learn in his own time
Why, why do I do this to myself? Why do I think I can fix this? Why do I think I can wait until week one starts? Why am I not getting into this now?
I have a long way to go but right now I need to add more excuses to my damn long, and ever growing, list.
I hate my eating issues. When does it become a disorder. Surely that was tantamount to binging!!!!!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Pain in Paradise!
OMG I am so glad we started again for the year. As with the forums closing last year and bootcamp stopping for Christmas I was so deeply lonely and saddened. I didn't even realise how much I loved this stuff until they started agagin. And Pain in Paradise bootcamp was freaking rocking! We have grown from worrying we would get the minimum number of five to a whopping 26 participants this morning. I looked at my dear friends Angela and Kimberley and was so very very happy. And then to look around and see old friends, Karen and Selina, old friends new to 12wbt, Lisa and then just masses of new 12wbters who will, with luck, all be friends in the making. A blessing.
We ran, jumped, frogged, crunched, sandbaged, push-uped, laughed and laughed some more, inspired and cheered and encouraged. I love what we have going and I love that we share it. Fortnightly bootcamps are back at New Farm Park and I could not be happier.
Smashed 645cals!
There is talk of Redland bootcamps coming our way soon. On the other fortnight and on a Saturday. Angela is so going to be looking out for our 12wbt family and give us even more opportunities to share training. Got your back girlfriend, you are not on your own in this. I am on the northside but can see myself trekking down from time to time to keep an eye on things and smash are more cals.
So back to my issues with emotional eating, its true, that is exactly what I am. As we drove home I felt really miserable, Jason was yelling and carrying on, plenty of miss understandings and really felt like shit which was sad after the bootcamp. I wanted to eat, oh yes I did and it didn't really matter what and I nearly suggested we go to the bakery and get pies and apple slice but I didn't. He shut up and I went into my own little dream world of bootcamp bliss and I didn't feel like eating anymore. I had a little smile on my face and I was happy. So now to try to make myself feel that way when I dont feel anything but misery and sad. Can I, I can try, I really can. Think happy thoughts and you really do feel like you can fly. Maybe my new mantra should be:
THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS
I will let you know how I go.
On another note the heel spur is driving me insane with pain. I stretched it out before bootcamp and hardly felt it in my heavenly bliss but now, holy cow! My sweet baby girl has massaged it for me, I have stretched a little and Jason has gone to the chemist for some anti inflamatories. I hate heel spurs. Or pain.
And talking about pain, why do I hurt already Andrew the Pip PT? Huh???? Why Why Why???? My legs, my tummy eeeeouchhhhh. This is not in two days, this is same day pain. Gotta love bootcamp.
Eating : Almost under control today and enjoyed some prunes as a treat
Exercise : PiP Bootcamp with the team
LIfe does not get better than this.
oh oh oh and Andrew is going to help Jason start to move again. Wouldn't it be nice to have a husband that is moving forward as well. He almost eats right and now he will be moving a small bit because there is so much injury damage it is going to take a while. Still something is always going to be better than nothing.
LETS HEAR IT FOR BOOT CAMP! RAH RAH RAH!!!
We ran, jumped, frogged, crunched, sandbaged, push-uped, laughed and laughed some more, inspired and cheered and encouraged. I love what we have going and I love that we share it. Fortnightly bootcamps are back at New Farm Park and I could not be happier.
Smashed 645cals!
There is talk of Redland bootcamps coming our way soon. On the other fortnight and on a Saturday. Angela is so going to be looking out for our 12wbt family and give us even more opportunities to share training. Got your back girlfriend, you are not on your own in this. I am on the northside but can see myself trekking down from time to time to keep an eye on things and smash are more cals.
So back to my issues with emotional eating, its true, that is exactly what I am. As we drove home I felt really miserable, Jason was yelling and carrying on, plenty of miss understandings and really felt like shit which was sad after the bootcamp. I wanted to eat, oh yes I did and it didn't really matter what and I nearly suggested we go to the bakery and get pies and apple slice but I didn't. He shut up and I went into my own little dream world of bootcamp bliss and I didn't feel like eating anymore. I had a little smile on my face and I was happy. So now to try to make myself feel that way when I dont feel anything but misery and sad. Can I, I can try, I really can. Think happy thoughts and you really do feel like you can fly. Maybe my new mantra should be:
THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS
I will let you know how I go.
On another note the heel spur is driving me insane with pain. I stretched it out before bootcamp and hardly felt it in my heavenly bliss but now, holy cow! My sweet baby girl has massaged it for me, I have stretched a little and Jason has gone to the chemist for some anti inflamatories. I hate heel spurs. Or pain.
And talking about pain, why do I hurt already Andrew the Pip PT? Huh???? Why Why Why???? My legs, my tummy eeeeouchhhhh. This is not in two days, this is same day pain. Gotta love bootcamp.
Eating : Almost under control today and enjoyed some prunes as a treat
Exercise : PiP Bootcamp with the team
LIfe does not get better than this.
oh oh oh and Andrew is going to help Jason start to move again. Wouldn't it be nice to have a husband that is moving forward as well. He almost eats right and now he will be moving a small bit because there is so much injury damage it is going to take a while. Still something is always going to be better than nothing.
LETS HEAR IT FOR BOOT CAMP! RAH RAH RAH!!!
If you keep allowing your emotional brain to overrun logical, you will never regain control.
Michelle told me this yesterday and you know she is dead right.
Today I was having an ok day but my kids were just horrible and I couldn't cope with yelling at them to do their chores anymore so I decided, since I was so miserable with them, I would go to work and do something useful that did not involve my family. BUT I was miserable so when I walked to the newsagent to get my card for the things I was making I picked up a roll of peppermint chocolate. Mish's words were ringing in my ears so I put it back but then my emotion took over and it was 'just one aint gonna hurt' and even though I knew it was gonna hurt I did it anyway. Michelle is so right! It was emotion that picked up that chocolate and emotion that ate it but unfortunately it is my stomach that expanded.
How am I going to break this emotional hold? Sux! Sux big time! And I know it is within my control, I have done this and won but right now I am so damn emotional I want to cry most of the time.
Now dont get me wrong, I loved that chocolate and it was the only bad thing I consumed today and, with icecream in the fridge, that makes me pleased. Still I could have done better for myself.
I can proudly say I ran today, well I ran for 15 minutes before sciatica struck and then I alternated between running and walking then the running getting less as the bowels did their thing. I hate getting old! None the less it was 339 calories burnt and this is more than any other day this week.
Thank God for bootcamp tomorrow!
Today I was having an ok day but my kids were just horrible and I couldn't cope with yelling at them to do their chores anymore so I decided, since I was so miserable with them, I would go to work and do something useful that did not involve my family. BUT I was miserable so when I walked to the newsagent to get my card for the things I was making I picked up a roll of peppermint chocolate. Mish's words were ringing in my ears so I put it back but then my emotion took over and it was 'just one aint gonna hurt' and even though I knew it was gonna hurt I did it anyway. Michelle is so right! It was emotion that picked up that chocolate and emotion that ate it but unfortunately it is my stomach that expanded.
How am I going to break this emotional hold? Sux! Sux big time! And I know it is within my control, I have done this and won but right now I am so damn emotional I want to cry most of the time.
Now dont get me wrong, I loved that chocolate and it was the only bad thing I consumed today and, with icecream in the fridge, that makes me pleased. Still I could have done better for myself.
I can proudly say I ran today, well I ran for 15 minutes before sciatica struck and then I alternated between running and walking then the running getting less as the bowels did their thing. I hate getting old! None the less it was 339 calories burnt and this is more than any other day this week.
Thank God for bootcamp tomorrow!
Friday, January 28, 2011
It's not as easy as I thought it was going to be
It isn't like 12wbt is a magic pill and the weight just starts to drop off. And I am sitting back thinking and letting the excuses come one by one. OK so this morning I woke with a headache, I went to bed with a headache and I woke in the middle of the night with a headache so I didn't exercise this morning yet again. but this time I figure reason not excuse because an increased heart rate would only make the damn headache a migraine. So you would think I would eat clean and be ok with me but of course NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I really hate myself right now. I did yumcha at lunch which is a bit of a mistake all of its own because I eat too much. But then I got back to the office and my pepsi max had disappeared from the fridge (who bloody steals a can of drink from a colleague?) and it just pissed me off. So while looking all over the fridge I found icecream and I decided to get my own back twice, and a jelly and oh looky there was chocolate too. So why did I do that, why eat it? what the hell was I thinking. I was upset and angry and tired and I just didn't think at all. I never heard myself processing what I was doing logically, I was just feeling upset and the food seemed like pay back BUT the only one who got hurt in this was me. I lost my drink, I ate too much, I ate the wrong things. I hurt myself with all of this and I am pretty sure I deserve better.
It has been hard to write this entry. Hard to admit that I am letting myself down. Not really understanding why I am doing it. What has got into me? What is it that I need to move forward. Michelle Bridges where is the bloody magic pill???? What have I missed. Why am I letting myself down. Where is my break through moment because right now I feel like crying and I am pretty sure that is not going to help me much.
I really hate myself right now. I did yumcha at lunch which is a bit of a mistake all of its own because I eat too much. But then I got back to the office and my pepsi max had disappeared from the fridge (who bloody steals a can of drink from a colleague?) and it just pissed me off. So while looking all over the fridge I found icecream and I decided to get my own back twice, and a jelly and oh looky there was chocolate too. So why did I do that, why eat it? what the hell was I thinking. I was upset and angry and tired and I just didn't think at all. I never heard myself processing what I was doing logically, I was just feeling upset and the food seemed like pay back BUT the only one who got hurt in this was me. I lost my drink, I ate too much, I ate the wrong things. I hurt myself with all of this and I am pretty sure I deserve better.
It has been hard to write this entry. Hard to admit that I am letting myself down. Not really understanding why I am doing it. What has got into me? What is it that I need to move forward. Michelle Bridges where is the bloody magic pill???? What have I missed. Why am I letting myself down. Where is my break through moment because right now I feel like crying and I am pretty sure that is not going to help me much.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Was it a successful day today?
What can I say? No licquorice, no lollies, no icecream, no exercise! I wrote down my new no exercise excuse. I got up and the heel spur was so damn painful I layed back down and sais later, but here it is 8.30pm and later has not come. Climbing the stairs does not count! But I ate clean so that has to count as something AND I went online and found some stretches for the heel I can do before I get out of bed so I shouldn't be able to use that excuse tomorrow AND I told the hubby he better be home on time so I can go running. Oh dear, what if I cant run because a week without running is too much.........shit, anyone hear an excuse coming on? Tomorrow is another day peoples, anything could happen.
NOw my upside is a @200cal breaky, @200cal morning tea, @200cal lunch and an @340cal dinner. No I am not hungry, not worried about it at all but I do have a headache! So this is a clean eating day for me filled with fruit and vegies and Crunchtime roo steak with lentil mash, you should see the photo! Michelle Bridges has the most awesome menus and meals.
OH and I had a very successful day at work too........maybe that helps with being able to control the eating????
So new excuse, written down to add to the list, and clean eating. Not such a bad preseason day.
NOw my upside is a @200cal breaky, @200cal morning tea, @200cal lunch and an @340cal dinner. No I am not hungry, not worried about it at all but I do have a headache! So this is a clean eating day for me filled with fruit and vegies and Crunchtime roo steak with lentil mash, you should see the photo! Michelle Bridges has the most awesome menus and meals.
OH and I had a very successful day at work too........maybe that helps with being able to control the eating????
So new excuse, written down to add to the list, and clean eating. Not such a bad preseason day.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
And today we crashed and burned
I got up and talked myself out of exercising because the husband wasn't home yet so I fell back asleep and when I woke up it was shockingly 7.30am and already bloody hot. So I weighed in.
Now I haven't weighed in since the beginning of the month. I can officially state I gained exactly 3kg since the end of 12wbt weighing in at 81.9kg! Not happy but not sad either, in fact it could have been a lot worse and I decided it was doable to get rid of that before week one of the program. this was what I was thinking this morning and then my day began.
I ate a great brekky at @290 calories and a good lunch at about @190 calories. I was doing great and then I took the children to Red Rooster for lunch and no I didn't buy myself anything, yippee for willpower and then I took them to the park and things got a little tricky.
We played speedminton (thanks Mish and team, great prize!) and we walked and talked and enjoyed ourselves and then I found the liquorice stall. Has anyone noticed how these have popped up everywhere? So I get us all one each but alas Tom asks me to eat his and Sharleigh is not much better so 2.75 straps of liquorice later, lets not go were the calorie count is because that is just dreadful but oh how I love liquorice, let me count the ways (all bar the alsorts actually) and what was my brain thinking......it was thinking just one more treat, just one more before we start.......how about that for stinking thinking! I started this time last year, I already started and one bite would have been sufficient surely but alas no because I would have had to carry it, carry temptation in my hands and not succumb. I am weak, very very weak so in future remind me DO NOT go near the liquorice stall. Stupid me. And then, because I had promised my kids I bought lamingtons but alas and alac Tom wanted me to eat his. Killing me, these kids are killing me. So why not give it to Kira who wanted it? Greed baby, greed. When will I learn?
Now on the upside I was outside, walking around, jumping, running even at one point up a hill and generally not sitting around on the computer so that is good. On the downside I have too many stupid excuses about food.
Australia Day done and dusted and I am probably .5kg bigger.
so then there was dinner, thank God for Crunchtime and the lovely beef roast and vegies. So damn delicious. Loved every mouthful. Michelle Bridges your recipes rock!
Now I haven't weighed in since the beginning of the month. I can officially state I gained exactly 3kg since the end of 12wbt weighing in at 81.9kg! Not happy but not sad either, in fact it could have been a lot worse and I decided it was doable to get rid of that before week one of the program. this was what I was thinking this morning and then my day began.
I ate a great brekky at @290 calories and a good lunch at about @190 calories. I was doing great and then I took the children to Red Rooster for lunch and no I didn't buy myself anything, yippee for willpower and then I took them to the park and things got a little tricky.
We played speedminton (thanks Mish and team, great prize!) and we walked and talked and enjoyed ourselves and then I found the liquorice stall. Has anyone noticed how these have popped up everywhere? So I get us all one each but alas Tom asks me to eat his and Sharleigh is not much better so 2.75 straps of liquorice later, lets not go were the calorie count is because that is just dreadful but oh how I love liquorice, let me count the ways (all bar the alsorts actually) and what was my brain thinking......it was thinking just one more treat, just one more before we start.......how about that for stinking thinking! I started this time last year, I already started and one bite would have been sufficient surely but alas no because I would have had to carry it, carry temptation in my hands and not succumb. I am weak, very very weak so in future remind me DO NOT go near the liquorice stall. Stupid me. And then, because I had promised my kids I bought lamingtons but alas and alac Tom wanted me to eat his. Killing me, these kids are killing me. So why not give it to Kira who wanted it? Greed baby, greed. When will I learn?
Now on the upside I was outside, walking around, jumping, running even at one point up a hill and generally not sitting around on the computer so that is good. On the downside I have too many stupid excuses about food.
Australia Day done and dusted and I am probably .5kg bigger.
so then there was dinner, thank God for Crunchtime and the lovely beef roast and vegies. So damn delicious. Loved every mouthful. Michelle Bridges your recipes rock!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Lost my hard drives but still trying to stay positive
It was a big loss to me today. I lost my harddrives on my computer. My 12wbt ebooks gone, photos of me and my 12wbt family gone, everything gone, not just 12wbt related, everything. I had three hard drives and backed one up from the other etc but no, fried all the hard drives supposedly. My budget gone (I use this one everyday), shit I cant even work out tweet deck. This is a devastating loss and if I think too much about it I want to eat, because that is where I find comfort. This is a red flag day indeed. NOnetheless I have made it to 8.43pm and not done anything stupid yet. I say yet because the night is young. And just perhaps some bourbon will help me sleep, later that is. Not good but better than a tub of icecream. I should not talk about my comforters because when I do I think about them and thinking right now about food is making me hungry. What to do, What to do???
Seriously I dont know how to cope without the stuff I lost and loosing years of family photos is enough to make me sick to my stomach. I lost the babies birthday photos, school photos, friggin all the photos. I still have first day of school 2011photos on the camera but still it really isn't working for me. I swing between the photos and the budget spreadsheet. I am sad people very sad.
But I ate ok today. I found an excuse for not exercising this morning though. I got up and had pains in my tummy and I just could not bring myself to run. You see I have a slight problem, how real do you want to get? I sometimes struggle to control bowel movements when I exercise and this felt like one of those days. The last time I ran I had one of those days and it is bloody embarrasing after all I am 45years old. Still if this is my biggest problem physically then I am better off than many. At the end of the day though, it is a damn excuse and I used it and so I didn't run. I hope life is better tomorrow, it should be if I dont slip up tonight. Maybe an early bedtime?????
Seriously I dont know how to cope without the stuff I lost and loosing years of family photos is enough to make me sick to my stomach. I lost the babies birthday photos, school photos, friggin all the photos. I still have first day of school 2011photos on the camera but still it really isn't working for me. I swing between the photos and the budget spreadsheet. I am sad people very sad.
But I ate ok today. I found an excuse for not exercising this morning though. I got up and had pains in my tummy and I just could not bring myself to run. You see I have a slight problem, how real do you want to get? I sometimes struggle to control bowel movements when I exercise and this felt like one of those days. The last time I ran I had one of those days and it is bloody embarrasing after all I am 45years old. Still if this is my biggest problem physically then I am better off than many. At the end of the day though, it is a damn excuse and I used it and so I didn't run. I hope life is better tomorrow, it should be if I dont slip up tonight. Maybe an early bedtime?????
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Time to get real
Oh dear, I am not such a good blogger but I want to be, this journey I have been on with the 12wbt program and family has been one of the most important of my life. Seriously it has changed my whole life in such positive ways and I still have a way to go. Most importantly about blogging is that you keep it real, you also make yourself real to others and it helps to keep you accountable and, in a weight loss journey, that is essential. So here I go again, another round and THIS TIME, this time folks I want to be the best round ever. My fourth round, a new year, a new job, a new life for me.
I started by journey about this time last year while I quibbled about $200 on a program untested and untried BUT I had to do something with my life on the line, I was not getting smaller, I had begun to increase in size again. A year before that I had peaked at just over 120kg and with the help of a wonderful doctor I got it down to 95kg but she left and the weight came back hitting 107kg when I decided I needed help. Step up 12wbt and I stepped in. It was so confronting that first round and I was lucky to loose about 6kg but others, holy cow, they were loosing over 20kg in 12 weeks. WTF????? Easter, my mum's passing, my fear of failing, my mindset was all wrong and I had not done what I could have done. I did not embrace the program.
Round 2 2010 I was ready to smash it up. I had goals I was going to smash, I had a new lease on life and I was ready. Smash it up I did. I lost about 13kg and I worked my arse off literally. I organised for a group get together at the end of the round in Brisbane and I met the inspirational Angela (now an Ambassador of the 12wbt program), I met the amazing Kimberley and Susie who I shared my first Bridge to Brisbane fun run with and new freindships began. Life was getting better, my confidence grew and my family started to see a positive difference, they loved the more active me.
Round 3 2010 and we picked it up a notch. I found a trainer and we began our Pain in Paradise bootcamps. With Angela, Kimberley and Susie my 12wbt life became more fulfilling. We met others along the way but these three ladies are hot hot hot and beautiful both inside and out. I was no longer alone on my journey, I had someone to push me, someone to encourage me and someone to hold my hand. I lost another 11kg in round 3 and I was happy. Going to Sydney to meet the inspiring Michelle Bridges was the highlight of my year and sharing that moment with these three ladies made it all the more special. Seriously I am so blessed.
12wbt 2010 helped me find my confidence, helped me go from a size 26 to a size 12 and be the very best version of myself possible. But wait there is more..........
12wbt 2011 is just beginning. I cried when it opened up. I made it a mission to say hi to as many sth east Qlders as I could but it just got such a big task I could not keep up. So many have joined this family. So many who are about to travel a similar journey to me. I cannot wait to see how this program can transform so many more. We are in for an amazing 12 weeks.
And as for me, I am thinking getting down to 70kg and becoming lean and strong is my new goal. Can I do it? With Mish's help I can. Can I stay strong? With Angela, Kimberly and Susie in my corner I believe I can. Can we inspire others? There is no doubt. I want to help Michelle fight the globesity epidemic.......now that would be an amazing achievement.
I started by journey about this time last year while I quibbled about $200 on a program untested and untried BUT I had to do something with my life on the line, I was not getting smaller, I had begun to increase in size again. A year before that I had peaked at just over 120kg and with the help of a wonderful doctor I got it down to 95kg but she left and the weight came back hitting 107kg when I decided I needed help. Step up 12wbt and I stepped in. It was so confronting that first round and I was lucky to loose about 6kg but others, holy cow, they were loosing over 20kg in 12 weeks. WTF????? Easter, my mum's passing, my fear of failing, my mindset was all wrong and I had not done what I could have done. I did not embrace the program.
Round 2 2010 I was ready to smash it up. I had goals I was going to smash, I had a new lease on life and I was ready. Smash it up I did. I lost about 13kg and I worked my arse off literally. I organised for a group get together at the end of the round in Brisbane and I met the inspirational Angela (now an Ambassador of the 12wbt program), I met the amazing Kimberley and Susie who I shared my first Bridge to Brisbane fun run with and new freindships began. Life was getting better, my confidence grew and my family started to see a positive difference, they loved the more active me.
Round 3 2010 and we picked it up a notch. I found a trainer and we began our Pain in Paradise bootcamps. With Angela, Kimberley and Susie my 12wbt life became more fulfilling. We met others along the way but these three ladies are hot hot hot and beautiful both inside and out. I was no longer alone on my journey, I had someone to push me, someone to encourage me and someone to hold my hand. I lost another 11kg in round 3 and I was happy. Going to Sydney to meet the inspiring Michelle Bridges was the highlight of my year and sharing that moment with these three ladies made it all the more special. Seriously I am so blessed.
12wbt 2010 helped me find my confidence, helped me go from a size 26 to a size 12 and be the very best version of myself possible. But wait there is more..........
12wbt 2011 is just beginning. I cried when it opened up. I made it a mission to say hi to as many sth east Qlders as I could but it just got such a big task I could not keep up. So many have joined this family. So many who are about to travel a similar journey to me. I cannot wait to see how this program can transform so many more. We are in for an amazing 12 weeks.
And as for me, I am thinking getting down to 70kg and becoming lean and strong is my new goal. Can I do it? With Mish's help I can. Can I stay strong? With Angela, Kimberly and Susie in my corner I believe I can. Can we inspire others? There is no doubt. I want to help Michelle fight the globesity epidemic.......now that would be an amazing achievement.
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