My 12wbt Round 1 2011 goal

Monday, February 28, 2011

Its blogging time! We are off with week 2

Ahhh, week two is here and so is heaps more delicious meals thanks to Michelle Bridges and her taste testers! I do love the meals on this program.

I kind of only ate about 800cals today cause breaky was only a banana, morning tea and afternoon tea was a few apricots (fresh!), lunch was mountain bread with roast beef, tomato and salad leaves and dinner was not naughty nachos, no light sour cream for me. A very clean day and I dont feel hungry at all. I do feel tired though.

For exercise, after missing my SSS (sorry Michelle but kids in hospital do put a spanner in the exercise works), I did a 9k run/walk/whatever, just kept moving really for 1hr and 23mins. Not happy with the time but it was damn hot, didn't set off until 9am and did all the hilly bits first up, the first 30minutes I ran anyway, after that it was just about getting to the end and I saved the running for the shady bits. Thank God I took water. My HRM isn't working so I do not have an exact figure but I have no doubt I was over 700cals making it a very very low calorie day.

Good for the weightloss but probably not good for the muscles. I was going to do another workout tonight but I just dont feel like it now. It is getting late and I need to sleep. Had a headache today too, perhaps from exercising in the heat or stress or both. Who knows but my head does not feel like it belongs to me and right now I wish it didn't.

Blah, it was an ok day in the scheme of things.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

No good, very bad weekend

So how did it go to pot when we were on track for the best 12wbt weekend ever? It starts and ends with depression.

Saturday morning I was so very tired still so I decided to take the day off training and eat clean, which I did, I even did it well and had a treat meal out which I did not have the chips with so kept me under the 1200cal line. It was pretty good all around and I got my shopping done for this next week and all was well. Then we got home from dinner and all hell ripped through my home as Miss nine decided to take ill, very very ill and she was being rushed to hospital by my hubby for a long night in Emergency and short stay wing at the Children's hospital. I didn't feel like binge eating, I was so damn worried and scared. I managed to get a little sleep last night!

No bootcamp for me, no exercise today at all because I was off to swap with hubby on the hospital sitting shift. Yes, I sat all day with my daughter. Food choices were limited to fatty or sweet, I picked sweet, I can do sweet better than fatty but still I have no doubt I have over calorified myself today as a result. Just did not feel like making the good nachos tonight so we took the prawns for tomorrow nights dinner and hubby cooked them up and tossed them in a salad. No idea what that was worth calorie wise but it was better than most things I would have done a year ago eg. McDonalds! I have come a long way since those days.

Upside is Miss nine has made a full recovery and was released from hospital at 4.30pm today.

So damn tired, do you know how tiring it is to sit and do nothing or read or watch telly, I get less tired climbing mountains and doing bootcamps, wonder why that is.

A whole weekend without exercise! Blast. I missed bootcamp and that made me sad but there will be other bootcamps, there is only one baby girl!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Day 5 of week 1 and we are off

We are off to a flying start I guess. Today I just wasn't that hungry, unusual yes but kind of glad I dont have the over full feeling of yuck. Only had a banana for breaky, grapes for morning tea, some of the left over brocolli bake for lunch and a pizza for dinner. A few diet soft drinks and that is it for me today. When offered more I just didn't feel like it and so I passed. This is good for me but also a little strange, usually I would eat it, usually I would feel hungry after so little. I better not have lost all appetite due to meds, that is a side effect for some. That will not aid in muscle recovery so that I can keep training. Michelle is quite clear on the nutrients needed and I need to follow that if I am to succeed this round. But I am is all overwhelming at the moment. I need to take this day as a win rather than overthink things.

I went for a run this morning, not successful as a runner, I did 23mins before feeling tired and needing a break, I had used a lot of mind talk to get me that far. The chest was painful and the legs still hurt from the night before. So on the way back I did runs, walks and sprints at different intervals. All up it took me 45mins to do about 6.5km. Better than nothing but I know I shouldn't have run two days in a row. Still running does make me feel good so I am going for that. Not like I don't have a lot of fat still to burn! Working on it.

I love my muscles! Just want to say. Sometimes when I doing a push up I look at them. Sometimes I rub them and squeeze them and flex them. I love them! I have muscles in my arms, all through them. They look awesome and make me feel great. I have these saggy bits (often refered to as tuck shop arms) but they are my trophies of the weight I have lost, I wear them with pride and when I flex my muscles I know I have put in the hard yards. I love muscles!

It was a good day really. The HRM is not working so no idea how many cals I burnt but I reckon I was under the 1200cal mark anyway so probably was a low cal day for me after exercise. I should be happy but I am so damn tired. Take nighty night tablets tonight to get some good sleep. Master 8 has been sick the last few days so I am letting him sleep in my bed, all the more reason to take the nighty nights!

I really hope I snap out of this soon because the family and house need me.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

what happened to weigh in day?

You would think that if I lost weight on weigh in day I would want to get on here and tell all how good that feels. Make no mistake a loss of 1.1kg in a week does feel good. It is the right direction, it takes me back to my finishing point last round at 79kg and, being below 80kg, is a very good feeling. I am happy about it make no mistake.

So why not get on here, or the forums, or facebook or the telephone and why eat a third of a tub of frozen yoghurt. Why do that after a low calorie day which was less than a 1000 cals at that point. Why didn't I exercise? Why do the wheels feel like they are falling off? Becuase depression bites and the meds are making me an insomniac and getting up is hard and I feel heavy and tired all damn day. so I went to bed early in the hopes I would get up and work out.

I am finding the whole idea of the advanced program a little complicated to manage right now. An excuse yes but I really just needed to run this morning no matter what the program said. Running is a no brainer, you just get out there and run, no counting sets, no order or sequence of exercises,just running to music which speeds you up and slows you down and one minute you are sprinting and the next jogging and the heart rates goes up, comes down, spikes, comes down but always hovers on that magic 150 beats a minute, that magic calorie buring, fat reducing beat. And that is who I am, I am a runner who still feels fat and would run forever if I could because it makes me feel good about myself. So I want to feel good about myself, I want to run.

The anti-depressants are making me tired and unable to sleep. But I was not hungry, I didn't overeat. Had my lovely oats with blueberries this morning, grapes for morning tea, salad from last night with added tuna for lunch and hubby made the brocolli bake tonight. Delicous (with left overs for tomorrow lunch). This is a good food day. Yes there was a black coffee, two pepsi maxs and one coke zero and a herbal tea in there and a litre or more of water. The drinks may need improvement but I need some caffine if I am to keep working feeling this tired. Diet drinks may not be great but I am forgiving myself. Chocolate is worse? Possibly.

So a long day at work, a run this morning, clean eating and doing weights while in the squat position for about half an hour this evening has nackered my thighs, then some crunches (but on the couch just cause). I reckon that was a good 12wbt day. Come on 68kg!!!! Depression is not going to stop me from getting there, I cannot let it.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Day 2 and a new lesson

OK so how was the second day of my 12 twelve weeks (and I am bound to loose count of the days although some dont, day number is irrelevant, they meld in a brain like mine. But there you go, back to how I went today and what did I learn!

No exercise, I ended up taking a sleeping tablet because I hadn't slept a full night in weeks and it wasn't helping my disposition. It is like now I have been diagnosed with depression I can give into the need for a good night sleep. I woke at 6.10am and it was raining so unfortunately there just wasn't time for a work out if I was to make my 8am appointment. No people, not an excuse, try no sleep or broken sleep for weeks and see if you dont finally succumb to the need for a full night without waking. This full night's sleep has made me tired. I will live and I may even excercise while I watch telly later, it wont be a run but it might be some step ups, we will see how we go.

Food: aaahhh, we all know this is my weakness but this is where I learnt a valuable lesson today. I ate a great yummy low cal breaky (oats and blueberries = favourite) and lunch was a plate of vegies left over from last night (no sauces or extras, just the delicious vegies), snacks involved an apricot, a nectarine and a handful of grapes. Serioulsy good so far! Dinner was fish and vegies (barramundi mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm makes me happy). So you see this would easily fall below my 1200cals BUT then came the interesting bit.

My hubby had bought some easter eggs, mini ones, for the kids and Miss 10 asked for one so I said as long as I could have one too, she gave me two and I knew I needed more, it was like a bloody addiction, I did not want to stop. Weigh in tomorrow guys so where was my self control? Out the window, thank God there was only two of the evil eggs left so Miss 10 had one and I had the other. Three damn mini chocolate eggs. Works out to be about 110calories. So figured out my daily total to 1178 cals but even though it still came in under the 1200 I needed to know that I cannot stop when I have started chocolate. There is no point having a treat in the house for a bit here and there when I have the calories up, when I open chocolate I eat to the end. If I ever get control over that I am going to be so happy. Can I say that chocolate of the mini egg wasn't even that nice, I was waiting for the yummy chocolate feel and it came and went so quickly it was hardly worth it. Lesson learned, do not start chocolate, do not buy chocolate and pray to God that the hubby learns not to bring chocolate into the house. Please Please Please let him learn that.

Michelle Bridges is a wise woman when she says do a kitchen makeover, unfortunately my hubby didn't think it applied to him. Buggar.

UPDATE : did the advanced lean and fit day one workout. Bet my butt hurts even more tomorrow.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Day 1, Round 1 2011

Well, after all the damn hype and preparation you would think I would have done a whole lot better with my eating on day one of 12wbt.

So exercise was out because after eight days straight I needed a break and I was in massive pain in my bum and thighs from my hikes up that damn Wild Horse mountain. No idea why I did it so many times except that I thought I could and I did thanks to my friend Kimberley who kept me going when I wanted to surrender to the mountain. And the thing about keeping going is that you feel so damn good about having kept going. So almost four goes at it and only short on the last one by a about 20metres and I can live with that because I didn't realise it would be so hard.

And the eating yesterday wasn't the best. Kind of the last chance mentality, which although it didn't lead me to chocolate, still was not a great attitude when it came to Kimberley's Anzac biccies (OMG they were good). But all things considered it could have been a whole lot worse, not like I ate junk food or lollies or stupid things, just my friend and her daughters cooking which I enjoyed every mouthful off and life is too short to be in constant denial.

And so today I ate an ok breaky and it was only 223 calories so I had quite a few up my selve. Dinner was devine being chicken with roast tomato, aspargus and assorted vegies with this delicions mustard sauce. Holy cow that was good. It was only another 282 calories so I am on a roll but what about the middle of the day? Man I am so ashamed at myself. I should have prepared but it all went wrong. We were all supposed to take food to share, one was bringing salad, one was bringing breads and I was bringing fruit. I could have wangled the calories around that but there was no salad, their was a delicous slice that had pastry and sliverbeet and eggs and romano cheese. Too scared to work out calories there. And there was homemade fruit cake, oh dear Lord where was the bread. And so I ate because the meeting went from 10am to 3.30am. It was morning, afternoon tea and lunch combined as one endless scrumy lunch. Now I can hope I didn't go over in calories but my tummy is screaming full full full so I doubt I did myself any favours.

Buggar, bum, shit! Moved the water closer to me several times to try to stay in control but food surrounded me and I was a goner. So much work to do on my excuses and my will power. I am off to a really bad start. We can only improve and hopefully that will be sooner rather than later. I have plenty of left over vegies from tonight for tomorrows lunch. Much better option. Stay away from the food Ruth.

God only knows what Michelle would say. I can say I was diagnosed with depression today so I am now fighting a whole lot more than emotional eating. Anti-depressant nedication can be a killer for weightloss. It could be a tough round.

Friday, February 18, 2011


Really what can you say on a Friday except that it makes me happy to go into a weekend. Even a bigger blast now that the weekend has started. So my day in review and my commitment to the secret goal of 68kg.............

Eating, not so bad, not perfect but still under 1200cals so making up for it now with a few prunes. I am not really sure about how Michelle Bridges feels about prunes but I always thought them to be relatively harmless and fill the need for something sweet which I have tonight. I've eaten quite a few now and I really should stop so I will, um after two, no be honest three more.

Exercise, well that was way cool. I ran 5.75km this morning smashing 471 cals and getting it done in 43 minutues so averaging just under 8km/hour. Not bad and if I can increase my distance and that timing I am set for my 10km on 20th March. This is goal 1, to run the 10km twilight run. booking made, time to train.

Secrets to my success:
1. Music helps me run, seriously, I sprinted the last 500m because the music MADE me. Music is very very healthy in many ways.
2. Repeating '68kg how bad do you want it' makes me run faster and harder! My heart rate actually peaked at 184 in that last sprint, that last desperate attempt to get to 68kg yesterday!

OK, eating over for today, 68kg means quite a bit to me!

Tomorrow Jason starts with the PT and begins to move in a new direction, thank God, he is enjoying seeing the weight come off now he has given up the soft drinks.

I get to do my first Redlands bootcamp.

LIfe is good if you dont count work.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

No good, very bad, ugly day

I exercised this morning and was disappointed that I only killed off 245cals doing Michelle's supershredder workout. This tells me I am now a lot fitter than when I started and even though I was working hard I must have more in the tank. Or maybe I am just a whole heap fitter. That's good news I guess.

I ate well, didn't over eat, was under 1200cals with all the appropriate nutrients, no chocolate, no nasty snacks, no junk. That is good news I guess.

I lost my temper, big time, really big time and I realised I have been snapping all week at work at home everywhere but none the less 'loose my temper' holy shit, I dont do that. I reckon meanness is going to get me every bloody time and I have been working and living with mean for a few weeks now and so I snapped. I feel like shit, not because they didn't deserve it, because they are nasty to me everyday so even if I got this one wrong they are still mean to me (rolling eyes and not saying anything to me no matter what I say can be interpreted as 'mean'), but because I let myself get really pissed off. They demanded an apology so I gave one but it wasn't sincere, now of course I am sorry I snapped, it wasn't right and there is always a better way. And one was tantamount to calling me a lier and after saying that she said I was unprofessional both of which just made me angrier with them. And with the apology they both stormed off and didn't even accept it anyway. Blah, who is umprofessonal now. I feel like crap. On the downside I would usually turn to food, on the upside I didn't do that. 68kg, is it worth it to me, yes yes yes.

But the repercussions will come, they always do. So I owned up to my boss, I apologied to those I snapped at but still there is a culture of bullying here and so that means this is not over, not by a long shot.

Sux to be me right now.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

already complacent!

So I have this new goal in mind, it was going to be 70kg which is the goal I want to achieve but I have a secret dream goal of 68kg which gets me into a healthy BMI which would be way cool and when I was running this morning I actaully was pushing myself "is 68kg worth it?" hell yeah and so I ran harder and faster! Good work! So can anyone tell me why I ate dips and buiscuits in the arvo, apple slice and then three fruit buns plus my three meals????? Anyone? Just fuck fuck fuck! Why is it when I exercise I am committed 100% but when it comes to eating I talk myself into all sorts of things. Like today it was 'ah but kickoff isn't until Monday' and 'today was weigh in, you can get it off before next one'. These are really negative ways to think and I would be better off saying things like 'is 68kg worth it?' which it is.

This is not emotional eating, this is opportune eating, the food is there and I eat it. No wonder kitchen make overs are so bloody important, nonetheless this food was not at home.

I am driving myself nuts and now have to find yet more solutions to these ridiculous excuses. I want to achieve on this round of 12wbt, this is the one I want to get to my healthy bmi with. Sux to be eating all the time. I need more SELF CONTROL and I have no doubt that will mean more SELF ESTEEM!

Monday, February 14, 2011

it was a chocolate day, but it was MY choice!

I wasn't sad, I didn't feel bad, I wasn't blaming anyone, I just felt like a bit of chocolate and I enjoyed every mouthful. Since my calorie count to that point was under 700 cals and since I am not eating any more tonight I will live with my choice. At least I have come a long way and can truthfully say I could have said no but I choose to say yes, for now given my low calorie count. I will wear the cost.

Now in the meatime I have discovered that if I hit 68kilos I will fall in the 'healthy bmi' range. My goal was to get to 70 but now I am thinking, since I am learning so much, I could really do that, it is achieveable, this could be my goal! A healthy BMI!!!! Not fat but healthy. Of course I may find myself a little to thin, or worse a little too baggy of skin but for now I reckon it is a goal worth trying for.

Today I diarised. I really diarised. I dont think I did this in previous rounds, it was kind of more of an 'of course I will' but this time I did it for real including booking in that mini milestone 10k Twilight run on 20th March. I really did it! I am going to do it and I dont care if I have to crawl I am finishing. So damn exciting. It took me all afternoon but it was worth it. I put in my work stuff too so I know where I am and when I am working weekends, I can see each month at a glance and therefore will be able to put in more as I want to. This is cool.

Hey Mish, I diarised and that is cool.

So next stop is measures. Anyone know where my tape measure is? Totes Whateves, I will get a new one if I have too.

Look out healthy BMI I am chasing you down!!! I feel so much stronger in myself this round, I am coming into it with such a huge breakthrough I really feel like I am in control. It had to happen. I expect setbacks, breakdowns and breakthroughs. The journey isn't over, it is just beginning.

Roll on 12wbt kickoff.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Finally beginning to see the light

So I bought the Crunchtime book (already had the recipe book which I use all the time) and I began to read. Holy Cow, how does the beautiful, skinny, fit Michelle get inside my head again and again, now in book, twitter, forums, podcasts, again and again. She is one amazing woman.

I think I had a break through moment yesterday.........I think (actually I am certain but lets go with think for the readers) I play the victim. Now there is a big part of me worrying about failing, even after the massive weight loss last year, even though I am still moving and eating right. I mean I might not be loosing but neither am I gaining. So not sure about that. Nonetheless it is time to man up to my victim stuff. Afterall, I am letting myself be the victim when I emotionally eat because I felt shitty, had a bad day whatever and I blame Jason for bringing the food in the house in the first place. If only it never came in at all. Even so, as I write this I have an overwhelming desire for chocolate, not because the day was bad, on the contrary, bootcamps make for awesome bloody good big buscuit days. I love bootcamp days. Looking forward to another next week.

I am overweight because I overeat
I overeat because I can blame it on anyone but me and get away with it, or better yet not even be found out. I overeat because I am weak, I blame it on a situation rather than take control. I overeat because it feeds my delusion that I am a victim. I turn to food when things go wrong because it is a way of punishing myself, to fail is to fail, it hurts but sometimes I dont feel worthy of winning (anyone say victim?). I care, I really care. I hide my eating so as to pretend to myself it is not happening and I beat myself up because I know I can do better. I haven't put weight back on this time because I am learning and I have been taking a lot better care of myself since Mich gave me the 12wbt. Time to find another way to deal with crap.

I absolutely commit to the 12wbt and intend to follow it as closely as I can to maximise my weight loss. Getting the healthy bmi is the goal.

I must control all emotional eating and it starts today.

Boot camp was awesome smashing 700+ cals, eating was controlled today and definitely stayed under 1200cals. I love it when I get it right.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Feel like giving up and we havent started

I'm a fucking drama queen! So it was a bad day/week whatever! Serveral things threw me back to the 'punish yourself' stage and of course I punish with eating. I am so concious of that this morning I almost have it under contol.

So lets see, there was the serious of work emaisl intimating I could do better when I have worked my arse off. I put in extra hours I never claimed for and I wont because I wanted my training to be awesome! I wont nag people for worksheets when they are volunteers and if I push too hard they will run away. I wont do anything to jepardise my success BUT it isn't going fast enough for some. So it is thrown back on me that I can work smarter. I am smart! BUT now I think am I too slow, have I got it wrong, am I good enough????? Now I feel like shit, am doubting myself and second guessing. This sux and I am sad that everyone around me is sad for other things, and I listen and I try to be helpful, thoughtful, thought provoking, anything that will get us through another day. I try to support them. It is draining and I am wondering right at this minute who supports me? So I dont feel worthy or good enough. And nothing anyone says right at this moment will change my self concept because my dad spent years ensuring I would feel this way. I fight years of brainwashing (or was it brainwashing she asks herself, lump in throat).

Roll in home life, supposed haven and soft place to fall but it isn't. Everyone here is yelling, no one helps anyone and yes, failure as a mother springs to mind. Failure as a wife, as a provider, as a housecleaner, as a person! Drama queen maybe but this is seriously hurting me and I want to punish myself for being such a failure. There is chocolate in the fridge, Jason put it there yesterday, he will yell at me if I eat it thereby making me feel even worse about me.

And then there is the chest pain. I didn't run this morning, no SSS for me because I am scared and maybe just a bit lazy. Afterall I am failing at everything else why not this as well. If I could only do push ups until I was for the self loathing, enough to have those terrible suicical thoughts, and they are real make not mistake. I have fought this for years, exercise helps but right now I am paralyised with fear and self loathing and an overwhelming sense of failure.

I stuggle that we are a week of from kick off, I have done this three times before and I am still struggling. Still! God when does it all become natural, could someone just help me find my internal switch. Why the hell am I so resistant? Why, after loosing 30kg last year do I still feel a failure at this?????

I hope I am at least fit enough for a fun run, give me something to really work towards. I may have to forgo the Hoffy Burpee Challenge madness but I'll be buggared if I will give up the fun run.

Now if my motivation to eat right was even closely as there as the running I would nail this. I need to nail this! I just need to do it! Please let me have at least one thing I am good at. I need at least one success.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

didn't weigh in.............not in the weighing mood

Oh yeah, the day got better and worse and better and worse and life is truly a roller coaster but it is not supposed to be all of that in one day. As I reflected on this morning's post I was left wondering still as to what exactly my problem was but I did know that I was out of control, I had Jason not do what I thought he should, I cannot do the exercise that I want to and life at work got down and dirty with bitchiness that I dont want to be a part of but I am by default while I try to work out why it is happening and give support to my colleagues. All in all, an emotional roller coaster. Riding the waves is not as easy as it has been in the past. And culturally speaking food is often the way we connect with others. Is this an excuse? Not really, it is my job to find that connection with others and if I have to do that with food then that is the expectation. I hate myself for it, I need to find yet more compromises. I have to say though, that while I do this for connectedness I overdo it for my greed! Yes, I could stop at one biscuit, but I stop at six. I could stop at a bit of a biccie and make it last but I stop at six.

I must regain control of my life! regain control of my eating! regain control of my exercising. After three rounds with Michelle helping me get into the drivers seat I seemed to have fallen into the back seat and I am hurtling out of control. Seriously I cant even say this started Saturday with the chest pain, that is just when it became clearer, the feeling of out-of-controledness. hmmmmmmmmmm! Help me, I am falling in a heap.

So, the start of getting my life back on track was to begin the exercise again. I ran this afternoon, I never run in the afternoon but it was somewhere to start. I only ran a short distance and ran around the park with the kids. I killed off 230 calories but given the amount of liquorice I consumed I doubt it made much of a difference to my weight. Thank God it makes a difference to my mind set. Well it was a start. Now to get through the night! And another day tomorrow where I can get back into it and NO MORE BLOODY EXCUSES. They really dont help.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

dont post when I feel I have been bad

You see, I think I am always going to be an emotional eater AND when I do that I feel even worse about myself and I dont blog and I dont go on the forums or twitter or even facebook. I feel bad! I am not so sure that 12wbt helps with this or makes me feel worse. When you make a commitment and you are not doing the hard work and you are finding the excuses everything falls apart and then................I eat. Is that a surprise. So how to get out of this funk. Maybe I need more solutions to those excuses. A big one right now is 'it hasn't started yet' just one more week wont hurt but of course I am not going in the right direction of weightloss. And why do all these other 12wbters go in the right direction while I am being left behind.

YOu know I am watching TBL for the first time ever and I am crying a lot through it. Unfortunately I recognise myself in the Sharlene's and the Greg's and after all this time I would very much like to know why I am not further along in my mind changing process.

I still want health and longevity as my main focus and goal. It is really important to me, but sometimes that damn demon black dog gets hold and sometimes that means I dont want longevity at all. When those chest pains struck I was readying myself to die, I couldn't move and no one was running for the telephone to get help. I still dont know why no one actually cared but I stopped caring about myself again now. And it is making me feel dreadful. I am crying now because I finally realised just how much this hurts me. No one actually cared when I thought I was dieing and the next day when the pain was still there and I called for my own help and I went to the hospital my husband came and slept beside me. I dont think anyone cares if I live or die, so why should I?

Who am I do ing this for anyway? I think it is time to reevaluate everything. I am stuck. AND I am eating along with my stuckedness. I have a dreadful feeling this is going to be a very very hard round if I keep blogging and being so honest. Now I have a headache and I cant stop crying. Great day!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Where have I been and why chest pain makes for a bitch of a day

Well I am buggared and thats the truth. I can barely keep my eyes open and it is 7am. No blogging for a few days, been working so damn hard and then there was the chest that makes for a bitch of a day (or two).

Friday, not sure if I ate well, it was so long ago but I certainly exercised well and I like that. I didn't go as far but I did go and that makes me always feel like the day will be good. And it had its up and downs but it was inspiring too which led me to a night on the computer making "family strength cards" for my training the next day and it only took me to midnight (eecccckkkkk). Roll into Saturday.

And I am off but not running because there is so much to do when you work on a weekend. Life does not stop and so I got up and houseworked and prepared a little more for my training. I train people to be specialist foster carers, damn fine job people. And after I have trained them, I train them more to be even better carers. One of the most rewarding jobs in the history of mankind but it would be very very cool if my job was not needed, just imagine a world where no child was hurt, abused, neglected or denied their basic rights. Now that would be a world worth living in. But alas, I digress. I did not overeat, I was up and moving, I was high on adrenalin and I was loving my day BUT then it was over and I came home. A headache appeared from no where so pain killers were in order. My shoulders felt tight so my darling daughter massaged my shoulders for about 30minutes (this kid is nine, she is awesome). And I dosed but came too with chest pain, pain that intensified until I couldn't move in my bed. My husband asked if I wanted an ambulance but I was convinced I was going to die by then and I wanted to stay with the children and reassure them I loved them just they way they are. It seemed important and Jason wasn't racing for the phone so I figured he wasn't that worried. Inside me the pain was like a pressure bandage that was get tighter from all angles. Surprisingly after about half an hour the pain began to subside and I slept. I was woken for dinner and with eyes half shut I ate flavourless food from a Chinese shop. I cannot say what the calories were, I can say that I didn't enjoy it and would trade for one of Michelle Bridges amazing Asian recipes any day of the week. I went back to bed, tired, worn out and worried.

Roll into Sunday and I am up and still tired and sore but not letting on because I am back to the housework and back into training the applicants in what it is to provide foster care. I am still loving it and I am ignoring any niggling pain because I am at work and a trainer and I am upbeat when I train. No one wants to be trained by the boring voice of an automaton.

I came home and the pain was still there. Now this cannot be right. I have now not exercised since Friday morning and it is Sunday night and I feel like shit. I telephone 13HEALTH and tell them what is been going on. Next thing I know I have two ambulances 'taking me seriously' and worrying even though I say surely this is just anxiety because I am in the midst of training. Nonetheless I dont feel anxious and I dont understand. Nice one, a night at the hospital, always goes well on an empty stomach. Cause when they say no food or water suddenly you are so thirsty and hungry it hurts.

So the outcome, and I bet you couldn't wait! but I made you anyway because the mark of a good training is to hold their attention to the last minute..........can I swear? yes I believe I can..........fucking chest pain is muscle/skeletal quite possibly from doing push ups, tricep dips and burpees followed by moving furniture. This serioulsy bites! I feel worse about this than a bloody heart attack I think. To not be able to do these exercises until it heals, fuck fuck fuck. Now that my friends is all I have to say on that.

NO I did not get up and run this morning. I am washed out and tired. I am so bloody tired and now to the grocery shopping (or dear is that lifting????? of course it bloody is but you can bet your boots there will be no help from anyone for me because I may not be able to exercise but I still have to look after this family). Lucky me, lucky lucky me.

Does anyone pickup my sense of desperation?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Feeling fat tonight

Not that I was bad I just feel massively bloated and generally yuck.

Got up and ran and did 3.5 x 16 superset (got the half for only having time to do eight on the last one) and smashed 389calories. It felt good to get out there and I really am water proof, didn't melt at all when it began to rain. This is and always will be the best way to start a day.

Eating was bad througout morning tea and afternoon tea was hardly better involving chocolate m n ms. Crap things but I was feeling so friggin low from shit at work I hardly noticed. And the darling new 12wbter, Selina tried to get me to think happy thoughts but I didn't have any left, all run dry.

Did good at dinner though and after dinner when I craved sweet I went for the frozen blue berries instead of the frozen icecream! I am proud of me for my little win.

If only I didn't feel so fat.

The Biggest Loser made me cry a bit. Seeing how upset Michelle was with her weight gain and then again with wearing those weights. Damn near broke my heart. She really does care about us all, we are so lucky to be on her team. I am meeting her half way or at least giving it my best shot.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

A little weight loss, a lot of happiness

Oh what a day. We started by running,no excuses friends and even though the asthma kicked in I didn't give up, I walked but I didn't give up. The coughing started so I knew it was time to listen to the body and walking is not all bad. then of course the bowels kicked in and I knew it was time to cut the run/walk short. None the less it was 379calories smashed and I am happy with that. It did mean I was off to a late start but all in all I was happy.

I got home to a weigh in. Bless those damn scales witha 1.2kg weight loss this week. Now I am still not at my end of round 3 2010 weight but it was a loss and that is the right direction. Thank you bootcamp and running! Exercise rocks. And even though I have been exploring my excuses and not always eating healthy I still do my best to do my best (LOL, blonde moment). No, I am all about giving it a go. I am so damn happy with a weight loss.

Roll on the rest of my day and there may have been a small cake after lunch and some frozen yoghurt after dinner but garunteed it was still around 1200cals for the day. A good day, a happy day! A day of exercise, of predominantly healthy eating (thank you Jason for the deliciously cooked snapper), a day of friends, a day of work and a day of rest, a day of fun, a day of thoughts, a day thinking about how Michelle has changed my life and with her help I will continue to transform into the best version of me.


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

A no excuses day: a no exercise day

hmmm, well it was a clean eating day,no icecream, no silliness and the best best best vegie stir fry with oyster sauce, thank you Michelle Bridges and your Crunchtime book. I haven't met a recipe I didn't like yet. There was no left overs, even the kids loved it so it was a big time winner.

A little bit of chocolate passed my lips but I avoided all other temptation turning to prunes (may regret that soon as my tummy is rejecting something) instead of crap. I even passed up the vending machine even though bullets were at the front. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS that would appear to be the key to it all for me. It is a good thing to learn, lets see how long I can last on happy thoughts.

Hey wouldn't it be awesome to get skinny on happy thoughts. Oh whats your secret Ruth? Happy Thoughts! No I mean are you dieting? Yes, on happy thoughts! Oh all right of course I will be saying 'happy thoughts and 12wbt'. I am starting to feel more confident at being able to get through but can I get back to you. I am about to train carers all weekend and it is fully catered and I have a tendency to love free food. Lets call it a red flag and figure out how the hell I am going to manage!!! May be time to enlist some help.

happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

I wanna run tomorrow, lets see if I can find an excuse not to go. Getting my gear ready tonight so that wont be one of them.