Confessions!

Life has been a bit hard for me of late and who do you think I took it out on??? How many excuses do you think I used and didn't fight??? Oh dear God in Heaven, why have I let myself get so out of control???

So right now I am working 9, 10, 11 and 12 hour days and I am mentally, physcally and emotionally exhausted. No exercise because I struggle to get out of bed for work let alone to get out to actually look after me. The cold, my asthma, my exhaustion, my need to start early..........how many excuses can one girl find??? I have found and am using them all. And it is easier to give my excuses credance when I am so much skinner than I have been before in my life (well since being a teenager and pre four children). The ultimate excuse, I don't need this anymore. Yes, right and that is why I signed up for my fifth round of 12wbt, because I didn't need it anymore and if this logic was true I would not be one kilo heavier than when I started this round of 12wbt. No amount of JFDI is working for my excercise. Even this morning, when I wasn't going to find an excuse I did, my head hurt, my heart hurts (get to that bit in a sec), it was cold, I could exercise this arvo, my house is a mess and I need to clean it..........how many more excuses did I just find??? Holy shit my life is one big excuse.

Now my biggest issue, after work and sick children is that yesterday my running buddy went to hospital and may never run again. This is a blow I cannot even begin to describe, she is my friend and she is always there for me to run whenever I want to go, she never says no and she never has an excuse. She is my dog, Kai! She is a red kelpie who is around 9 years old and yesterday an old injury flared up and now she is unable to walk and the vet says her running days are over. This is a bit of a blow to my head space. How will this dog ever be happy without running? She may have to be caged for three to four weeks and this is the good news, dread to think what the bad news may be this morning. But for her, a cage!!!! That is breaking my heart. However, I didn't use that as an excuse to binge, no I had plenty of other excuses for that over the last week but I didn't use Kai as an excuse last night.

So why did I eat six cream and jam donuts the night before? Why did I eat three chocolate bars the night before, why did I eat cheese and bicies until I was puttin on weight again? Why why why did I think any of that was ok??? My excuses, well this is my dinner! My dinner!!! Who bloody eats chocolate for dinner? I was at work until late and it was all there was to eat (true enough but seriously chocolate and donuts). This was binging at its worst and there is no doubt that a chocolate and donut dinner is binging, three of one, six of the other........in whose world would that ever be right. And this was after weigh in when I weighed a kilo more than when I started, it wasn't even before that. Tired, busy, cold, kids, illness..........did I leave any excuse out. So how would binging and no exercise help any of this? In fact wouldn't exercise and eating right help more, make me feel better, empowered, stronger.

If I do not get my head back in the game all is going to be lost, I will put it all back on and, from that, there will be no coming back.

Michelle Bridges I am sincerely sorry that I stuffed up. This was me, this was my head space BUT I can come back from this. I can and I will. Oh a little teary now! I am not about to put my life at risk again with all that extra weight. As of today I recommit to you and the programme. It is Saturday morning, I shall clean house and lunge and squat my way through it. I will not gorge on useless food but rather find food that fuels my body to do awesome things. I will get through this one day at a time and I will recommit everyday. Food diary is back up and running!

NO MORE BLOODY EXCUSES! JFDI!