Oh Dear God in Heaven, what am I doing to myself?

Yes it was the milestone day today and so I took up the challenge of a duel workout, cardio boxing followed by the hill workout (from hell). No idea what possessed me to think this was a good combination but egged on by my 12wbt training buddies I felt indestructable. Nothing was going to stop me, I was going to do it. And I did but I have never before today, worked out to the point of wanting to vomit and worked out to the point of crying! Yes I cried. I was so so so emotional, not scared, not sad just I have no idea now, just fighting a brain that wanted to quit and a mind that wanted to finish. I was fighting an internal struggle I have never faced before.

Now I have done triathlons , a 30k kakoda hike, a 30k bike ride, run 3ks non stop, then 5ks non stop, then 10ks non stop. I have worked out with Andrew at bootcamp, Mark at cardio boxing and Mase at Zenergy AND with Michelle Bridges at end of round 3 2010. I have worked out by myself, with others, with trainers. A whole gammitt of training, in numerous ways and places BUT NEVER HAVE I WANTED TO VOMIT AND NEVER HAVE I CRIED before today. Never, ever, ever worked out like that before. I have no idea what happened, I hurt everywhere, I cannot beleive what I accomplished. I cannot believe what I did.

The game was to work as a team with one other person and to run after Mase the trainer and get either a black ribbon (40 reps of squats and pushups) or a red ribbon (20 reps of squats and pushups) and then see who got the most. It was about a 5km run in total. My partner and I got ribbons to the value of 46 which totaled 920 reps of each. We shared the reps between the two of us. We ran down the hill then we ran up the hill and the whole thing was done in about an hour. Now in the last 1km I was "chasing" down Mase and I use this term loosly because I had nothing left in the tank except a whole world of pain and a fear of never getting to the top of the mountain. I was in asthma and I was pushing through because asthma, running and push ups and throw in some rain and I was hurting in my chest in ways that others may well not understand but I wanted to finish. My stomach was in knots and I was sure that vomiting was not far off. My clothes felt tight and I wasn't well. Mase was just in front and I was in pain and I looked at him and he encouraged me on and I realised if I caught him that was 20 more pushups and 20 more squats and I knew I just could not do another push up, I could not breath and that is when the tears come and I begged him not to let me catch him. I had so wanted to the rest of the time, zoned out and running, not really caring if I caught up or not, just running. But this time I couldn't run, I felt like I was going straight up hill, my chest hurt and the idea, the thought, the agony of another push up, no matter how badly formed, was terrifying to me. And with the tears came more difficulty in breathing and the ground became slippery and then Mase said it is just a little way more, just round the corner. My mind went back to Kakoda and I remember that just one more hill, just round the corner, not much further bullshit we spouted to spur us on to the end and it made us laugh then but not this time. So I didn't believe Mase, I thought he was full of crap and I couldn't catch him, I didn't want to and I was crying and in pain and scared and even thinking about it makes me anxious. I ended up unable to breath and having a bloody panic attack. And then there was the sound of HER voice, calm and slow and rythmic and her soft calm eyes and my breathing came back and the pain subsided and I could move on, somehow slowly, at times on all fours, sometimes crawling but I did make it up that fucking mountain! With my 12wbt training buddies who I have come to love and respect.

I am, without doubt one of the luckiest people alive because I can do that kind of training, I have the support to finish it and somewhere inside there is a part of me that knows I am strong enough to do it.

I am a 12wbter and this is a whole new life.

Calories smashed - who cares
Friends identified - forever!!!!!!
Blessings - many!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Confessions!

Life has been a bit hard for me of late and who do you think I took it out on??? How many excuses do you think I used and didn't fight??? Oh dear God in Heaven, why have I let myself get so out of control???

So right now I am working 9, 10, 11 and 12 hour days and I am mentally, physcally and emotionally exhausted. No exercise because I struggle to get out of bed for work let alone to get out to actually look after me. The cold, my asthma, my exhaustion, my need to start early..........how many excuses can one girl find??? I have found and am using them all. And it is easier to give my excuses credance when I am so much skinner than I have been before in my life (well since being a teenager and pre four children). The ultimate excuse, I don't need this anymore. Yes, right and that is why I signed up for my fifth round of 12wbt, because I didn't need it anymore and if this logic was true I would not be one kilo heavier than when I started this round of 12wbt. No amount of JFDI is working for my excercise. Even this morning, when I wasn't going to find an excuse I did, my head hurt, my heart hurts (get to that bit in a sec), it was cold, I could exercise this arvo, my house is a mess and I need to clean it..........how many more excuses did I just find??? Holy shit my life is one big excuse.

Now my biggest issue, after work and sick children is that yesterday my running buddy went to hospital and may never run again. This is a blow I cannot even begin to describe, she is my friend and she is always there for me to run whenever I want to go, she never says no and she never has an excuse. She is my dog, Kai! She is a red kelpie who is around 9 years old and yesterday an old injury flared up and now she is unable to walk and the vet says her running days are over. This is a bit of a blow to my head space. How will this dog ever be happy without running? She may have to be caged for three to four weeks and this is the good news, dread to think what the bad news may be this morning. But for her, a cage!!!! That is breaking my heart. However, I didn't use that as an excuse to binge, no I had plenty of other excuses for that over the last week but I didn't use Kai as an excuse last night.

So why did I eat six cream and jam donuts the night before? Why did I eat three chocolate bars the night before, why did I eat cheese and bicies until I was puttin on weight again? Why why why did I think any of that was ok??? My excuses, well this is my dinner! My dinner!!! Who bloody eats chocolate for dinner? I was at work until late and it was all there was to eat (true enough but seriously chocolate and donuts). This was binging at its worst and there is no doubt that a chocolate and donut dinner is binging, three of one, six of the other........in whose world would that ever be right. And this was after weigh in when I weighed a kilo more than when I started, it wasn't even before that. Tired, busy, cold, kids, illness..........did I leave any excuse out. So how would binging and no exercise help any of this? In fact wouldn't exercise and eating right help more, make me feel better, empowered, stronger.

If I do not get my head back in the game all is going to be lost, I will put it all back on and, from that, there will be no coming back.

Michelle Bridges I am sincerely sorry that I stuffed up. This was me, this was my head space BUT I can come back from this. I can and I will. Oh a little teary now! I am not about to put my life at risk again with all that extra weight. As of today I recommit to you and the programme. It is Saturday morning, I shall clean house and lunge and squat my way through it. I will not gorge on useless food but rather find food that fuels my body to do awesome things. I will get through this one day at a time and I will recommit everyday. Food diary is back up and running!

NO MORE BLOODY EXCUSES! JFDI!

Kath wants to know:

about your physical strengths.
Holy Cow Kath, what physical strengths? Is that being able to run 10k nonstop (on a good day that is and not when in asthma) in an hour and ten minutes. Which could be nothing to others but to someone who never ran a year ago is pretty awesome. Or is it that I can do a bootcamp, stay in the advanced group and nail it! Everytime? Or is it that I hiked up and down hills for 30k and didn't give in to myself? Or that I have had a go at a triathalon, am nailing Mish's dvds where I never used to keep up, or that my life is full of running, catching and carrying children where before I couldn't keep up. Oh to see the muscles in my arms and legs, I love them.

about your mental strengths.
Not sure I have this either except I have never given up on the 12wbt program, and it has got tough and I could have given up and sometimes I have slips and the old me would have had to give up because I am not perfect. The new me is more realistic, the new me takes responsibility for my own health and fitness, the new me embraces everything 12wbt. The old me never lost weight and thought I was a lost cause. I am so worth every effort I put in to make my life better. So the fact that I have done all of the above is testiment to how strong my mind and my willpower have become.

the habits you have that make you strong
I dont know if I have habits that make me strong. I have habits that make me me! I am strong so that, philisophically speaking should be enough. But if I am absolutely honest about this it is all in the organisation, diarising, staying true to my word. Habit? or way of life?

what it is about you that makes you the fighter that is inside.
Am I a fighter? Well lets see I have been described as a 'dog' but I think she meant 'dog with a bone' which I call tenacity! I dont give up on things that matter. It just took me a while to realise I mattered. In fact it took 12wbt to make me realise I am as important as everyone else I fight for. So now I fight for me, for my family, for the things that are important. I do that because I care about others and I want life to be as good as possible for everyone. Not to wipe out sadness but to celebrate life and happiness.

Now if I am truly honest I became this way because I had to fight for everything as a child. My parents raised us to have a 'stiff upper lip', to 'never give up', to do better than 'try', to never say 'cant', and they never ever let me win. Life with my parents was a fight, not always pleasant, but enough to teach me the way I dont want to be and the way I do. I was taught to be strong by two people who had had to do it on their own. They showed no mercy; a blessing or a curse?

what prepares you to fight these 12 weeks now to make you extraordinary.
Seriously, the 12wbt program is what prepares me to fight to make me extraordinary. The tools are there, the support is there, the challenges are there, Michelle Bridges and her team are there. This prepares me for anything and everything in my life. This program has shown me what I am capable of and, quite frankly, I think I have only tapped the surface.

I dont see myself as inspirational, I see myself as being supportive, confident, happy and a little bit mad. I see myself as the me always wanted to be and I did it with my family's support and Michelle Bridges 12wbt. God Bless her.

Reading Shrinking Kath's blog and it got me to thinking

So our Kath says she lost the plot a bit, made bad choices and didn't have her head in the game and it rang out loud in my head YOU ARE NOT ALONE! So for this I am gratful ShrinkingKath. I am not alone. And my head is still not in the game and I keep saying 'tomorrow' but it doesn't happen. Because tomorrow is today and I feel like shite! Headache, runny nose, sore throat and hence no excercise even though yesterday I was so sure tomorrow would be the day. Yesterday saw two chocolate bars and four icecreams..............what the fuck is going on??? Why have I started to hurt me in the name of stress relief? Anyone, someone? and there is added pressure of being a good 12wbt role model, and I love this program and I have gone from a size 26 to size 12 with over 50kilos lost so why the problem NOW???? Why in the last five kilos is this so bloody hard on my head?

Now what I would like to do is explain how stressful my life is....thats what I want to do but in all honesty is that ok or is that my excuse for some bloody stupid choices. It is an excuse. Why suddenly if I am stressed is it now ok to poison my system with fat fat and more damn fat. Forget the carbs and sugar because the fat content in these foods is exactly the kind of thing I dont want in my life (what until life gets stressful???)

The thing here is that eating these foods is causing more stress and not exercising is doing the same thing. Who will find out, what will people think, why do I hate myself so much, didn't anyone see, dont tell! Is this like binge eating gone insane? Why am I sabotaging the life and body I want? Stress, are you kidding. There has to be a better way. In fact, the walk to the vending machine should now be changed to a walk up and down the stairwell! Maybe even into the sunlight out of an office. And when I walk now people do look, yes I am more interesting skinny than fat and I always thought it was the other way around.

So what will be my excuse today..........oh yes, a 30k hike tomorrow, surely I need to load up on carbs??? NOT.

I wish someone else lived inside my head telling me to literally 'pull my head in'.

OK, stop with the bloody whingy excuses. Life is tough, the job is tough but I dont want to tackle life, job, kids in an overweight and unhealthy body because that makes things a damn site tougher. Time to respect myself more.

Michelle Bridges, I do beleive I should listen to you! LOL, that is a given.

Brain drain

Well we are up to week 7 weigh in tomorrow. The hardest thing this round is surprisingly giving up my diet soft drink (pepsi max predominantly). I still crave it but I am staying strong and it seems to be true that in not having it the cravings for other sweet things have deminished. It is still a struggle but really having my colleague doing this with me gives me incentive to try to help us both keep to the clean eating plan. Imagine my horror when I found her eating twisties, but alas I digress from my tale of becoming thinner in body and mind. So yes, the soft drink is finally out of my life. I eye the burbon off from time to time and think about how lovely and smooth it would taste as it slipped down my throat, but no, not just yet. I must get rid of the cravings first.

My weigh in last week showed a two kilo loss. I almost fell over and could not believe how stunned I felt. I mean seriously, who looses that much in a week? The girl who gave up soft drink I guess. No idea what tomorrow's weigh in will bring but I never expect one that big again. Nonetheless we are half way to goal at the half way point. Made me happy.

What also makes me happy is how many people comment on my new figure. That is, those who regularly comment on how good I look, how much weight I have lost, how skinny I look etc etc except for the hubby who says I am skin and bone. I am not of course, skin and bones that is, but he thinks so because he is used to me being bigger, hell I am smaller now than when I married him. He loves me just the way I am, pretty sure that hasn't changed even though I am changing to become a so much better version of me. Anyways, I love the comments, perhaps the 'fat girl' should start listening.

Yes people I still see myself as the fat girl. I really do. And I worry about the size of my stomach and the hanging skin and the fat fat fat I can see. No one else seems to see it. No I am not anorexic, not by a long shot. According to me I still have 7 kilos to get to a healthy BMI but I would be happy with another 5kg weight loss. Really I would. I am a size 12 now, and even fit in some 10s. It makes no sense to me how I can be that small but still be overweight. No idea how they work this out. And another thing, I have no doubt that dress sizes have changed. When I was a size 12 before I was smaller, I am sure of it. Admittedly that is more than 20 years ago, more like 25 years if I am honest, but still dress sizes have definitely increased. I am all for it of course but it is a bit confusing.

So that is where I am at. Recording EVERYTHING I eat and all my exercise. Smashing it up for real at the gym last Saturday and intending to do the same this weekend with gym and the bootcamp. Loving the food too and definitely staying on track with that.

So much to loose, so much to gain...........Michelle Bridges 12wbt is freaking awesome.

Mini Milestone Weekend

Yes its been a while, plenty of ups and downs with a damn weight gain of 100g and I was working out like a damn demon but of course this means my eating was dreadful. And it was, kept using the old excuse that I was working it off anyway which I did but not quite all the way! Dumb week. But I knew it was time to rein it all in and so thats what I am trying this week. Hubby and me are giving up pepsi max this week. Dont know how long it will last but so far I have gone 24hours. I am drinking a ginger ale though because I needed something sweet and my tummy hurts. Probably not helping. So I am living in an eating clean week and hoping I am exercising enough.

I ran my twilight fun run 10k this afternoon as my mini milestone. Weather was a little wet which kept the temperature down which was important given we set off at 3.30pm. I have never ran more than 1 hour before, never ran more than 7k before so this was my biggest challenge yet. To finish a 10k race! Of course to finish first you have to start and I was kind of in a little world of my own, stretching, listening to the crowd and then it was time to get the ipod going and next thing we are getting the "go" and I jump in the air, not from fright but from sheer exhileration! And I was happy, I was smiling and I felt the smile and I was so damn happy to be running. When I got a stone in my shoe I did not stop, when I was busting for the loo I did not stop (well not until I got to the 6.5k mark and I needed water but not without a loo break first) and there was a time that a stone and a full bladder would certainly have been an excuse to give up but I didn't. I kept going and when I got to the 7k mark in 52minutes I was feeling ok so I kept going and a young man fell into pace with me and we ran together to the end. He kept me going even when I was thinking I had gone far enough. I ran another kilometer and I was still under an hour. I could not beleive it but then I came to a hill and I just couldnt get up it, my chest was hurting, I wasn't sure why so I walked up that hill, I walked less then 100m in total so I am happy with that. And then I passed 9k and I realised it hurt more to walk than to run and so I ran. All the time this young man stayed with me and sometimes he would run a bit ahead and walk and I would catch up and we would run together again. I thank that man from the bottom of my heart and wonder if I would have had the motivation to keep going had he not been beside me. In the last 10m he shot foward to finish and I saw him turn around and wait for me! He gave me a high five and then we parted ways. How damn lovely was that.

My time was 1hour 13minutes. That is not the official time but the time that showed on the clock as I ran through the finish. There was a few more seconds attached but I figure it took me a few seconds to get to the start line. Anyway it will fall around that time and I am damn happy with that. All I wanted to do was finish and my aim was to do that in 1hr30min. Very very happy.

So my thanks goes to Michelle Bridges for believing in me and telling me I can (12wbt is the best program ever and does so much more that weight loss), KimberleyM for always being there beside me in spirit (she is an absolute champion and an awesome training buddy), SusieD who inspires, supports and encourages (and was there at the end and found me! how cool is that), my dear friend Angela who encourages and inspires me, my beautiful personal trainer Andrew de Angelis who enourages me to go a little harder, and my husband and children who are always there to cheer me on and my dog who runs with me when I train and is a pretty darn good training buddy too.

My life is truly blessed.

I lost my damn post

Shit, there I was talking about really important shit only to have this damn thing loose it all. So pissed right now!

So what was I trying to say??? I think it was about giving up after my 100gram loss last week and having a sick kid in hospital, being depressed and over tired and not getting the exercise in because I was immobilised by my own depression and realisation I was never going to be perfect at this, my perfectionism was feeding my depression and I was ready to give up. It was a shitty shitty week and was not helped by loosing this post. I am so pissed right now.

Anyway, so I spilled about my tragic run on Saturday, trying my hardest to get back into the exercise I set off at 5pm as I need to practice running in the arvo anyway for this damn twilight run. Oh man it was bad. Well it didn't start that way, I had been running for over 30minutes and travelling well, felt good and still had fire left in my legs but that is when my bowels decided to open up, with no warning, in public whilst running. I hate hate hate being old, or getting old anyway. No control, this is what you all have to look forward to! I was devastated and embarrassed and tried ringing the hubby for a rescue which didn't come because he didn't answer. I somehow squelched home, tired, embarrassed and miserable. What is a girl to do, may as well give up, nothing was working.

Sunday I put on these shorty shorts, not tight short shorts but loose, comfy shortish shorts which covered the excess skin that hangs from the thights but showed off these muscular defined golden brown legs. Legs Michelle Bridges helped my uncover from the tree stumps they used to be. Legs that were made possible for the 12wbt program. So like I am inspired by these legs, they are damn hot thank you very much. Not sure when that happened. And can I say that the photo competition this week should really include a photo of my legs! Just saying, they are inspirational.

So I looked at my legs and I thought 'aren't these worth keeping going for, do you really want tree stumps again?' and I dont. I dont want tree stumps, I love these golden brown muscular shapely legs that somehow have been uncovered on my body. Very cool. Time to find time to exercise.

but again I woke this morning overtired and unable to get out of bed despite an early night. I was struggling. I came home from work and went for a run! Yes I did. I ran for 33minutes doing a run I have never run completely before today because the hills kill me (or do they?) and I came home to hubby cooking the 12wbt pork dish! Oh yeah baby. And after dinner I did the 12wbt advanced week three Monday outdoor workout in my lounge (yes you can do that).

Who the hell thought turkish get ups were a good idea? I had so wanted to give them a go but by the fourth one I was struggling. how the hell I managed three sets of fifteen is beyond me. Please lets not have them again soon.

So under 1200cals, a run and a workout. Am I back on track? Only time will tell. I have to work more late nights this week so not overly hopeful about the exercise but I shall perservere.

I have great legs!

Its blogging time! We are off with week 2

Ahhh, week two is here and so is heaps more delicious meals thanks to Michelle Bridges and her taste testers! I do love the meals on this program.

I kind of only ate about 800cals today cause breaky was only a banana, morning tea and afternoon tea was a few apricots (fresh!), lunch was mountain bread with roast beef, tomato and salad leaves and dinner was not naughty nachos, no light sour cream for me. A very clean day and I dont feel hungry at all. I do feel tired though.

For exercise, after missing my SSS (sorry Michelle but kids in hospital do put a spanner in the exercise works), I did a 9k run/walk/whatever, just kept moving really for 1hr and 23mins. Not happy with the time but it was damn hot, didn't set off until 9am and did all the hilly bits first up, the first 30minutes I ran anyway, after that it was just about getting to the end and I saved the running for the shady bits. Thank God I took water. My HRM isn't working so I do not have an exact figure but I have no doubt I was over 700cals making it a very very low calorie day.

Good for the weightloss but probably not good for the muscles. I was going to do another workout tonight but I just dont feel like it now. It is getting late and I need to sleep. Had a headache today too, perhaps from exercising in the heat or stress or both. Who knows but my head does not feel like it belongs to me and right now I wish it didn't.

Blah, it was an ok day in the scheme of things.

Day 2 and a new lesson

OK so how was the second day of my 12 twelve weeks (and I am bound to loose count of the days although some dont, day number is irrelevant, they meld in a brain like mine. But there you go, back to how I went today and what did I learn!

No exercise, I ended up taking a sleeping tablet because I hadn't slept a full night in weeks and it wasn't helping my disposition. It is like now I have been diagnosed with depression I can give into the need for a good night sleep. I woke at 6.10am and it was raining so unfortunately there just wasn't time for a work out if I was to make my 8am appointment. No people, not an excuse, try no sleep or broken sleep for weeks and see if you dont finally succumb to the need for a full night without waking. This full night's sleep has made me tired. I will live and I may even excercise while I watch telly later, it wont be a run but it might be some step ups, we will see how we go.

Food: aaahhh, we all know this is my weakness but this is where I learnt a valuable lesson today. I ate a great yummy low cal breaky (oats and blueberries = favourite) and lunch was a plate of vegies left over from last night (no sauces or extras, just the delicious vegies), snacks involved an apricot, a nectarine and a handful of grapes. Serioulsy good so far! Dinner was fish and vegies (barramundi mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm makes me happy). So you see this would easily fall below my 1200cals BUT then came the interesting bit.

My hubby had bought some easter eggs, mini ones, for the kids and Miss 10 asked for one so I said as long as I could have one too, she gave me two and I knew I needed more, it was like a bloody addiction, I did not want to stop. Weigh in tomorrow guys so where was my self control? Out the window, thank God there was only two of the evil eggs left so Miss 10 had one and I had the other. Three damn mini chocolate eggs. Works out to be about 110calories. So figured out my daily total to 1178 cals but even though it still came in under the 1200 I needed to know that I cannot stop when I have started chocolate. There is no point having a treat in the house for a bit here and there when I have the calories up, when I open chocolate I eat to the end. If I ever get control over that I am going to be so happy. Can I say that chocolate of the mini egg wasn't even that nice, I was waiting for the yummy chocolate feel and it came and went so quickly it was hardly worth it. Lesson learned, do not start chocolate, do not buy chocolate and pray to God that the hubby learns not to bring chocolate into the house. Please Please Please let him learn that.

Michelle Bridges is a wise woman when she says do a kitchen makeover, unfortunately my hubby didn't think it applied to him. Buggar.

UPDATE : did the advanced lean and fit day one workout. Bet my butt hurts even more tomorrow.

TGIF

Really what can you say on a Friday except that it makes me happy to go into a weekend. Even a bigger blast now that the weekend has started. So my day in review and my commitment to the secret goal of 68kg.............

Eating, not so bad, not perfect but still under 1200cals so making up for it now with a few prunes. I am not really sure about how Michelle Bridges feels about prunes but I always thought them to be relatively harmless and fill the need for something sweet which I have tonight. I've eaten quite a few now and I really should stop so I will, um after two, no be honest three more.

Exercise, well that was way cool. I ran 5.75km this morning smashing 471 cals and getting it done in 43 minutues so averaging just under 8km/hour. Not bad and if I can increase my distance and that timing I am set for my 10km on 20th March. This is goal 1, to run the 10km twilight run. booking made, time to train.

Secrets to my success:
1. Music helps me run, seriously, I sprinted the last 500m because the music MADE me. Music is very very healthy in many ways.
2. Repeating '68kg how bad do you want it' makes me run faster and harder! My heart rate actually peaked at 184 in that last sprint, that last desperate attempt to get to 68kg yesterday!

OK, eating over for today, 68kg means quite a bit to me!

Tomorrow Jason starts with the PT and begins to move in a new direction, thank God, he is enjoying seeing the weight come off now he has given up the soft drinks.

I get to do my first Redlands bootcamp.

LIfe is good if you dont count work.

No good, very bad, ugly day

I exercised this morning and was disappointed that I only killed off 245cals doing Michelle's supershredder workout. This tells me I am now a lot fitter than when I started and even though I was working hard I must have more in the tank. Or maybe I am just a whole heap fitter. That's good news I guess.

I ate well, didn't over eat, was under 1200cals with all the appropriate nutrients, no chocolate, no nasty snacks, no junk. That is good news I guess.

I lost my temper, big time, really big time and I realised I have been snapping all week at work at home everywhere but none the less 'loose my temper' holy shit, I dont do that. I reckon meanness is going to get me every bloody time and I have been working and living with mean for a few weeks now and so I snapped. I feel like shit, not because they didn't deserve it, because they are nasty to me everyday so even if I got this one wrong they are still mean to me (rolling eyes and not saying anything to me no matter what I say can be interpreted as 'mean'), but because I let myself get really pissed off. They demanded an apology so I gave one but it wasn't sincere, now of course I am sorry I snapped, it wasn't right and there is always a better way. And one was tantamount to calling me a lier and after saying that she said I was unprofessional both of which just made me angrier with them. And with the apology they both stormed off and didn't even accept it anyway. Blah, who is umprofessonal now. I feel like crap. On the downside I would usually turn to food, on the upside I didn't do that. 68kg, is it worth it to me, yes yes yes.

But the repercussions will come, they always do. So I owned up to my boss, I apologied to those I snapped at but still there is a culture of bullying here and so that means this is not over, not by a long shot.

Sux to be me right now.

it was a chocolate day, but it was MY choice!

I wasn't sad, I didn't feel bad, I wasn't blaming anyone, I just felt like a bit of chocolate and I enjoyed every mouthful. Since my calorie count to that point was under 700 cals and since I am not eating any more tonight I will live with my choice. At least I have come a long way and can truthfully say I could have said no but I choose to say yes, for now given my low calorie count. I will wear the cost.

Now in the meatime I have discovered that if I hit 68kilos I will fall in the 'healthy bmi' range. My goal was to get to 70 but now I am thinking, since I am learning so much, I could really do that, it is achieveable, this could be my goal! A healthy BMI!!!! Not fat but healthy. Of course I may find myself a little to thin, or worse a little too baggy of skin but for now I reckon it is a goal worth trying for.

Today I diarised. I really diarised. I dont think I did this in previous rounds, it was kind of more of an 'of course I will' but this time I did it for real including booking in that mini milestone 10k Twilight run on 20th March. I really did it! I am going to do it and I dont care if I have to crawl I am finishing. So damn exciting. It took me all afternoon but it was worth it. I put in my work stuff too so I know where I am and when I am working weekends, I can see each month at a glance and therefore will be able to put in more as I want to. This is cool.

Hey Mish, I diarised and that is cool.

So next stop is measures. Anyone know where my tape measure is? Totes Whateves, I will get a new one if I have too.

Look out healthy BMI I am chasing you down!!! I feel so much stronger in myself this round, I am coming into it with such a huge breakthrough I really feel like I am in control. It had to happen. I expect setbacks, breakdowns and breakthroughs. The journey isn't over, it is just beginning.

Roll on 12wbt kickoff.

Finally beginning to see the light

So I bought the Crunchtime book (already had the recipe book which I use all the time) and I began to read. Holy Cow, how does the beautiful, skinny, fit Michelle get inside my head again and again, now in book, twitter, forums, podcasts, again and again. She is one amazing woman.

I think I had a break through moment yesterday.........I think (actually I am certain but lets go with think for the readers) I play the victim. Now there is a big part of me worrying about failing, even after the massive weight loss last year, even though I am still moving and eating right. I mean I might not be loosing but neither am I gaining. So not sure about that. Nonetheless it is time to man up to my victim stuff. Afterall, I am letting myself be the victim when I emotionally eat because I felt shitty, had a bad day whatever and I blame Jason for bringing the food in the house in the first place. If only it never came in at all. Even so, as I write this I have an overwhelming desire for chocolate, not because the day was bad, on the contrary, bootcamps make for awesome bloody good big buscuit days. I love bootcamp days. Looking forward to another next week.

I am overweight because I overeat
I overeat because I can blame it on anyone but me and get away with it, or better yet not even be found out. I overeat because I am weak, I blame it on a situation rather than take control. I overeat because it feeds my delusion that I am a victim. I turn to food when things go wrong because it is a way of punishing myself, to fail is to fail, it hurts but sometimes I dont feel worthy of winning (anyone say victim?). I care, I really care. I hide my eating so as to pretend to myself it is not happening and I beat myself up because I know I can do better. I haven't put weight back on this time because I am learning and I have been taking a lot better care of myself since Mich gave me the 12wbt. Time to find another way to deal with crap.

I absolutely commit to the 12wbt and intend to follow it as closely as I can to maximise my weight loss. Getting the healthy bmi is the goal.

I must control all emotional eating and it starts today.

Boot camp was awesome smashing 700+ cals, eating was controlled today and definitely stayed under 1200cals. I love it when I get it right.

Where have I been and why chest pain makes for a bitch of a day

Well I am buggared and thats the truth. I can barely keep my eyes open and it is 7am. No blogging for a few days, been working so damn hard and then there was the chest pain...............now that makes for a bitch of a day (or two).

Friday, not sure if I ate well, it was so long ago but I certainly exercised well and I like that. I didn't go as far but I did go and that makes me always feel like the day will be good. And it had its up and downs but it was inspiring too which led me to a night on the computer making "family strength cards" for my training the next day and it only took me to midnight (eecccckkkkk). Roll into Saturday.

And I am off but not running because there is so much to do when you work on a weekend. Life does not stop and so I got up and houseworked and prepared a little more for my training. I train people to be specialist foster carers, damn fine job people. And after I have trained them, I train them more to be even better carers. One of the most rewarding jobs in the history of mankind but it would be very very cool if my job was not needed, just imagine a world where no child was hurt, abused, neglected or denied their basic rights. Now that would be a world worth living in. But alas, I digress. I did not overeat, I was up and moving, I was high on adrenalin and I was loving my day BUT then it was over and I came home. A headache appeared from no where so pain killers were in order. My shoulders felt tight so my darling daughter massaged my shoulders for about 30minutes (this kid is nine, she is awesome). And I dosed but came too with chest pain, pain that intensified until I couldn't move in my bed. My husband asked if I wanted an ambulance but I was convinced I was going to die by then and I wanted to stay with the children and reassure them I loved them just they way they are. It seemed important and Jason wasn't racing for the phone so I figured he wasn't that worried. Inside me the pain was like a pressure bandage that was get tighter from all angles. Surprisingly after about half an hour the pain began to subside and I slept. I was woken for dinner and with eyes half shut I ate flavourless food from a Chinese shop. I cannot say what the calories were, I can say that I didn't enjoy it and would trade for one of Michelle Bridges amazing Asian recipes any day of the week. I went back to bed, tired, worn out and worried.

Roll into Sunday and I am up and still tired and sore but not letting on because I am back to the housework and back into training the applicants in what it is to provide foster care. I am still loving it and I am ignoring any niggling pain because I am at work and a trainer and I am upbeat when I train. No one wants to be trained by the boring voice of an automaton.

I came home and the pain was still there. Now this cannot be right. I have now not exercised since Friday morning and it is Sunday night and I feel like shit. I telephone 13HEALTH and tell them what is been going on. Next thing I know I have two ambulances 'taking me seriously' and worrying even though I say surely this is just anxiety because I am in the midst of training. Nonetheless I dont feel anxious and I dont understand. Nice one, a night at the hospital, always goes well on an empty stomach. Cause when they say no food or water suddenly you are so thirsty and hungry it hurts.

So the outcome, and I bet you couldn't wait! but I made you anyway because the mark of a good training is to hold their attention to the last minute..........can I swear? yes I believe I can..........fucking chest pain is muscle/skeletal quite possibly from doing push ups, tricep dips and burpees followed by moving furniture. This serioulsy bites! I feel worse about this than a bloody heart attack I think. To not be able to do these exercises until it heals, fuck fuck fuck. Now that my friends is all I have to say on that.

NO I did not get up and run this morning. I am washed out and tired. I am so bloody tired and now to the grocery shopping (or dear is that lifting????? of course it bloody is but you can bet your boots there will be no help from anyone for me because I may not be able to exercise but I still have to look after this family). Lucky me, lucky lucky me.

Does anyone pickup my sense of desperation?

Feeling fat tonight

Not that I was bad I just feel massively bloated and generally yuck.

Got up and ran and did 3.5 x 16 superset (got the half for only having time to do eight on the last one) and smashed 389calories. It felt good to get out there and I really am water proof, didn't melt at all when it began to rain. This is and always will be the best way to start a day.

Eating was bad througout morning tea and afternoon tea was hardly better involving chocolate m n ms. Crap things but I was feeling so friggin low from shit at work I hardly noticed. And the darling new 12wbter, Selina tried to get me to think happy thoughts but I didn't have any left, all run dry.

Did good at dinner though and after dinner when I craved sweet I went for the frozen blue berries instead of the frozen icecream! I am proud of me for my little win.

If only I didn't feel so fat.

The Biggest Loser made me cry a bit. Seeing how upset Michelle was with her weight gain and then again with wearing those weights. Damn near broke my heart. She really does care about us all, we are so lucky to be on her team. I am meeting her half way or at least giving it my best shot.

A little weight loss, a lot of happiness

Oh what a day. We started by running,no excuses friends and even though the asthma kicked in I didn't give up, I walked but I didn't give up. The coughing started so I knew it was time to listen to the body and walking is not all bad. then of course the bowels kicked in and I knew it was time to cut the run/walk short. None the less it was 379calories smashed and I am happy with that. It did mean I was off to a late start but all in all I was happy.

I got home to a weigh in. Bless those damn scales witha 1.2kg weight loss this week. Now I am still not at my end of round 3 2010 weight but it was a loss and that is the right direction. Thank you bootcamp and running! Exercise rocks. And even though I have been exploring my excuses and not always eating healthy I still do my best to do my best (LOL, blonde moment). No, I am all about giving it a go. I am so damn happy with a weight loss.

Roll on the rest of my day and there may have been a small cake after lunch and some frozen yoghurt after dinner but garunteed it was still around 1200cals for the day. A good day, a happy day! A day of exercise, of predominantly healthy eating (thank you Jason for the deliciously cooked snapper), a day of friends, a day of work and a day of rest, a day of fun, a day of thoughts, a day thinking about how Michelle has changed my life and with her help I will continue to transform into the best version of me.

THIS WAS A HAPPY 12WBT DAY!

A no excuses day: a no exercise day

hmmm, well it was a clean eating day,no icecream, no silliness and the best best best vegie stir fry with oyster sauce, thank you Michelle Bridges and your Crunchtime book. I haven't met a recipe I didn't like yet. There was no left overs, even the kids loved it so it was a big time winner.

A little bit of chocolate passed my lips but I avoided all other temptation turning to prunes (may regret that soon as my tummy is rejecting something) instead of crap. I even passed up the vending machine even though bullets were at the front. THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS that would appear to be the key to it all for me. It is a good thing to learn, lets see how long I can last on happy thoughts.

Hey wouldn't it be awesome to get skinny on happy thoughts. Oh whats your secret Ruth? Happy Thoughts! No I mean are you dieting? Yes, on happy thoughts! Oh all right of course I will be saying 'happy thoughts and 12wbt'. I am starting to feel more confident at being able to get through but can I get back to you. I am about to train carers all weekend and it is fully catered and I have a tendency to love free food. Lets call it a red flag and figure out how the hell I am going to manage!!! May be time to enlist some help.

happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

I wanna run tomorrow, lets see if I can find an excuse not to go. Getting my gear ready tonight so that wont be one of them.

It's not as easy as I thought it was going to be

It isn't like 12wbt is a magic pill and the weight just starts to drop off. And I am sitting back thinking and letting the excuses come one by one. OK so this morning I woke with a headache, I went to bed with a headache and I woke in the middle of the night with a headache so I didn't exercise this morning yet again. but this time I figure reason not excuse because an increased heart rate would only make the damn headache a migraine. So you would think I would eat clean and be ok with me but of course NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I really hate myself right now. I did yumcha at lunch which is a bit of a mistake all of its own because I eat too much. But then I got back to the office and my pepsi max had disappeared from the fridge (who bloody steals a can of drink from a colleague?) and it just pissed me off. So while looking all over the fridge I found icecream and I decided to get my own back twice, and a jelly and oh looky there was chocolate too. So why did I do that, why eat it? what the hell was I thinking. I was upset and angry and tired and I just didn't think at all. I never heard myself processing what I was doing logically, I was just feeling upset and the food seemed like pay back BUT the only one who got hurt in this was me. I lost my drink, I ate too much, I ate the wrong things. I hurt myself with all of this and I am pretty sure I deserve better.

It has been hard to write this entry. Hard to admit that I am letting myself down. Not really understanding why I am doing it. What has got into me? What is it that I need to move forward. Michelle Bridges where is the bloody magic pill???? What have I missed. Why am I letting myself down. Where is my break through moment because right now I feel like crying and I am pretty sure that is not going to help me much.