So I finally am beginning to see the bigger picture. And the excuses are ALL on the food! No wonder I got this way and no wonder I am struggling to change. I am full of damn excuses and I pull 'em out one by one and sometimes, get this, sometimes, I suppress them so I can do what I want to do because to logically think 'what is the excuse I am using' would mean I would have to find a solution so to not think about it means I dont have to find a solution and away I go stuffing my face with crap.
So what happened today???? At morning tea out came the cheese and biccies and it was 11.20am and I was hungry because it was close to lunch time so I LET myself eat it including the cake. Maybe that was controlable and maybe it wasn't and I certainly didn't eat lunch so perhaps the damage was not too severe but maybe it was. Best not to think! Dont think about it and it wont make you fat! If only that worked.
Dinner came and went without me so I pulled out my trusty tuna meals and 400cals later it wasn't ALL bad given I had not snacked, good for me. So then what happened?????
I was sitting thinking maybe some frozen yogurt would hit the sweet spot so I got me a small serve, which would have been alright, except for I smothered it with strawberry topping. Why? Well I just didn't want to think. Three fucking bowls later and I was thinking and none of it was pleasant. Things like:
* just one more bowl
* when its gone I wont have to worry about this anymore
* its Jason fault, he shouldn't have bought it
* I can work this stuff off and Jason cant so I may as well eat it
* it will serve Jason right after bringing this stuff in my house
Who the hell was I hurting here? Just me. Anyone want to help with the solutions?
* no bowl would be better
* I could pour the damn stuff out
* pouring it out and Jason could pay that way
* I am not responsible for Jason but I am for me and I deserve better
* Jason has to learn in his own time
Why, why do I do this to myself? Why do I think I can fix this? Why do I think I can wait until week one starts? Why am I not getting into this now?
I have a long way to go but right now I need to add more excuses to my damn long, and ever growing, list.
I hate my eating issues. When does it become a disorder. Surely that was tantamount to binging!!!!!