Reading Shrinking Kath's blog and it got me to thinking

So our Kath says she lost the plot a bit, made bad choices and didn't have her head in the game and it rang out loud in my head YOU ARE NOT ALONE! So for this I am gratful ShrinkingKath. I am not alone. And my head is still not in the game and I keep saying 'tomorrow' but it doesn't happen. Because tomorrow is today and I feel like shite! Headache, runny nose, sore throat and hence no excercise even though yesterday I was so sure tomorrow would be the day. Yesterday saw two chocolate bars and four icecreams..............what the fuck is going on??? Why have I started to hurt me in the name of stress relief? Anyone, someone? and there is added pressure of being a good 12wbt role model, and I love this program and I have gone from a size 26 to size 12 with over 50kilos lost so why the problem NOW???? Why in the last five kilos is this so bloody hard on my head?

Now what I would like to do is explain how stressful my life is....thats what I want to do but in all honesty is that ok or is that my excuse for some bloody stupid choices. It is an excuse. Why suddenly if I am stressed is it now ok to poison my system with fat fat and more damn fat. Forget the carbs and sugar because the fat content in these foods is exactly the kind of thing I dont want in my life (what until life gets stressful???)

The thing here is that eating these foods is causing more stress and not exercising is doing the same thing. Who will find out, what will people think, why do I hate myself so much, didn't anyone see, dont tell! Is this like binge eating gone insane? Why am I sabotaging the life and body I want? Stress, are you kidding. There has to be a better way. In fact, the walk to the vending machine should now be changed to a walk up and down the stairwell! Maybe even into the sunlight out of an office. And when I walk now people do look, yes I am more interesting skinny than fat and I always thought it was the other way around.

So what will be my excuse today..........oh yes, a 30k hike tomorrow, surely I need to load up on carbs??? NOT.

I wish someone else lived inside my head telling me to literally 'pull my head in'.

OK, stop with the bloody whingy excuses. Life is tough, the job is tough but I dont want to tackle life, job, kids in an overweight and unhealthy body because that makes things a damn site tougher. Time to respect myself more.

Michelle Bridges, I do beleive I should listen to you! LOL, that is a given.

Is perfectionism getting in the way?

Well after much soul searching, seeing myself in TBLs Lara, madly eating after my weigh in this week I got to thinking WHY? Why was it, when I was so close to goal did I give up working out and start binging? What happened to me, why did I close down and give up on the dreams, possibilities, goals.

After talking this morning with other 12wbters I found that this was not so uncommon for anyone who has a lot to loose (weight that is) so the question remains why do we do it? Here are some of my thoughts on what I have discovered:

1. Perfectionism gets in the way. Have messy house anyone, possibly because if you cant do it right why bother. We set oursleves up. No more true than loosing weight. Suddenly in sight of goal, pretty sure it is going to happen, when self doubt creeps in, perfectionism comes next and then you are saying ‘why bother because I am only going to fail anyway’.

2. We feel like we deserve it. A bit of complacency slips in! Oh yes it does. The feeling of having done so well and thinking one little bit wont hurt or missing one training session doesn’t matter and before you know it you miss two and eat a little more chocolate. Dont we deserve more.

3. We begin to wonder if we are a fraud if there is no more too loose and what would life be like without this program. True for me, started to worry about post 12wbt days because after a year and I dont know if I could do it on my own. So if I dont loose the last 5kg I wont have to loose 12wbt. Perhaps irrational but nonetheless valid for a scared brain.

4.A combination of all of the above which is where I am right now. So I ate the chocolate and it didn’t touch the sides, I ate so quick I didn’t even taste it. Sitting here right now I know I would have enjoyed it so much better slower and with a cup of camomile tea.

So now that I know why I need to work out how to move past it.

I wanted to share because I thought I might not be alone. Well I know Lara (TBL) is with me, who else is struggling?

The honest truth about the binging

Yes, I watched TBL this week and I saw Lara's binge after her success on the catwalk. This is the binge that happens when you get scared of the weight loss and you cant quite figure it out. It has been happening to me since Wednesday's weigh in. I am three kilo out from my preseaon goal and five kilo out from a healthy weight loss. It was actually happening with a 2kg weight loss followed by a 1.9kg weight loss the next week. They are pretty damn awesome numbers I was pulling and every part of me believed I could do it so why then did I feel the need to eat everything sweet and still do. My stomach is bloated from dried fruit and is pushing up against my lungs and other internals so that I actually feel pain. There is no doubt that the lollies, the cheese and biccies, the excessive fruit, chocolate, the dried fruit and the forme are all sitting rigth on top of my breakfast of two peices of toast and then there was the pizza. A huge pizza which was predominantly vegies but still it was huge and I ate my way through it. Yesterday was not much different with lollies and excessive yoplait. I have no idea what has got into me so the question is:

WHY WHEN YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO YOUR GOAL, WHEN YOU HAVE ACHIEVED A MODACOM OF SUCCESS, DO WE MAKE STUPID FOOD CHOICES ~ LIKE SELF SABOTAGE, A LITTLE BIT OF SELF LOATHING CREEPS IN, SO WHY WHY WHY DO WE DO IT? Lara did it and I did it (before I saw her do it people but I saw myself in what she did and I wondered.............WHY)? It is nonsense of course and yet I still would eat the chocolate or the icecream right now if it was in the house. It's madness. Why am I self sabotaging?

Anyone got an answer? Anyone know how to get it under control?

And no I wont work it off because I haven't exercised since before I weighed in. If it is a life long, life style change, why did I fall back into my old ways?

To find the answers to this could be the difference between me going back to being tree stumpy or being a hot muma. I want to be the hot muma.

anyone out there got an answer?

Brain drain

Well we are up to week 7 weigh in tomorrow. The hardest thing this round is surprisingly giving up my diet soft drink (pepsi max predominantly). I still crave it but I am staying strong and it seems to be true that in not having it the cravings for other sweet things have deminished. It is still a struggle but really having my colleague doing this with me gives me incentive to try to help us both keep to the clean eating plan. Imagine my horror when I found her eating twisties, but alas I digress from my tale of becoming thinner in body and mind. So yes, the soft drink is finally out of my life. I eye the burbon off from time to time and think about how lovely and smooth it would taste as it slipped down my throat, but no, not just yet. I must get rid of the cravings first.

My weigh in last week showed a two kilo loss. I almost fell over and could not believe how stunned I felt. I mean seriously, who looses that much in a week? The girl who gave up soft drink I guess. No idea what tomorrow's weigh in will bring but I never expect one that big again. Nonetheless we are half way to goal at the half way point. Made me happy.

What also makes me happy is how many people comment on my new figure. That is, those who regularly comment on how good I look, how much weight I have lost, how skinny I look etc etc except for the hubby who says I am skin and bone. I am not of course, skin and bones that is, but he thinks so because he is used to me being bigger, hell I am smaller now than when I married him. He loves me just the way I am, pretty sure that hasn't changed even though I am changing to become a so much better version of me. Anyways, I love the comments, perhaps the 'fat girl' should start listening.

Yes people I still see myself as the fat girl. I really do. And I worry about the size of my stomach and the hanging skin and the fat fat fat I can see. No one else seems to see it. No I am not anorexic, not by a long shot. According to me I still have 7 kilos to get to a healthy BMI but I would be happy with another 5kg weight loss. Really I would. I am a size 12 now, and even fit in some 10s. It makes no sense to me how I can be that small but still be overweight. No idea how they work this out. And another thing, I have no doubt that dress sizes have changed. When I was a size 12 before I was smaller, I am sure of it. Admittedly that is more than 20 years ago, more like 25 years if I am honest, but still dress sizes have definitely increased. I am all for it of course but it is a bit confusing.

So that is where I am at. Recording EVERYTHING I eat and all my exercise. Smashing it up for real at the gym last Saturday and intending to do the same this weekend with gym and the bootcamp. Loving the food too and definitely staying on track with that.

So much to loose, so much to gain...........Michelle Bridges 12wbt is freaking awesome.

Mini Milestone Weekend

Yes its been a while, plenty of ups and downs with a damn weight gain of 100g and I was working out like a damn demon but of course this means my eating was dreadful. And it was, kept using the old excuse that I was working it off anyway which I did but not quite all the way! Dumb week. But I knew it was time to rein it all in and so thats what I am trying this week. Hubby and me are giving up pepsi max this week. Dont know how long it will last but so far I have gone 24hours. I am drinking a ginger ale though because I needed something sweet and my tummy hurts. Probably not helping. So I am living in an eating clean week and hoping I am exercising enough.

I ran my twilight fun run 10k this afternoon as my mini milestone. Weather was a little wet which kept the temperature down which was important given we set off at 3.30pm. I have never ran more than 1 hour before, never ran more than 7k before so this was my biggest challenge yet. To finish a 10k race! Of course to finish first you have to start and I was kind of in a little world of my own, stretching, listening to the crowd and then it was time to get the ipod going and next thing we are getting the "go" and I jump in the air, not from fright but from sheer exhileration! And I was happy, I was smiling and I felt the smile and I was so damn happy to be running. When I got a stone in my shoe I did not stop, when I was busting for the loo I did not stop (well not until I got to the 6.5k mark and I needed water but not without a loo break first) and there was a time that a stone and a full bladder would certainly have been an excuse to give up but I didn't. I kept going and when I got to the 7k mark in 52minutes I was feeling ok so I kept going and a young man fell into pace with me and we ran together to the end. He kept me going even when I was thinking I had gone far enough. I ran another kilometer and I was still under an hour. I could not beleive it but then I came to a hill and I just couldnt get up it, my chest was hurting, I wasn't sure why so I walked up that hill, I walked less then 100m in total so I am happy with that. And then I passed 9k and I realised it hurt more to walk than to run and so I ran. All the time this young man stayed with me and sometimes he would run a bit ahead and walk and I would catch up and we would run together again. I thank that man from the bottom of my heart and wonder if I would have had the motivation to keep going had he not been beside me. In the last 10m he shot foward to finish and I saw him turn around and wait for me! He gave me a high five and then we parted ways. How damn lovely was that.

My time was 1hour 13minutes. That is not the official time but the time that showed on the clock as I ran through the finish. There was a few more seconds attached but I figure it took me a few seconds to get to the start line. Anyway it will fall around that time and I am damn happy with that. All I wanted to do was finish and my aim was to do that in 1hr30min. Very very happy.

So my thanks goes to Michelle Bridges for believing in me and telling me I can (12wbt is the best program ever and does so much more that weight loss), KimberleyM for always being there beside me in spirit (she is an absolute champion and an awesome training buddy), SusieD who inspires, supports and encourages (and was there at the end and found me! how cool is that), my dear friend Angela who encourages and inspires me, my beautiful personal trainer Andrew de Angelis who enourages me to go a little harder, and my husband and children who are always there to cheer me on and my dog who runs with me when I train and is a pretty darn good training buddy too.

My life is truly blessed.

I lost my damn post

Shit, there I was talking about really important shit only to have this damn thing loose it all. So pissed right now!

So what was I trying to say??? I think it was about giving up after my 100gram loss last week and having a sick kid in hospital, being depressed and over tired and not getting the exercise in because I was immobilised by my own depression and realisation I was never going to be perfect at this, my perfectionism was feeding my depression and I was ready to give up. It was a shitty shitty week and was not helped by loosing this post. I am so pissed right now.

Anyway, so I spilled about my tragic run on Saturday, trying my hardest to get back into the exercise I set off at 5pm as I need to practice running in the arvo anyway for this damn twilight run. Oh man it was bad. Well it didn't start that way, I had been running for over 30minutes and travelling well, felt good and still had fire left in my legs but that is when my bowels decided to open up, with no warning, in public whilst running. I hate hate hate being old, or getting old anyway. No control, this is what you all have to look forward to! I was devastated and embarrassed and tried ringing the hubby for a rescue which didn't come because he didn't answer. I somehow squelched home, tired, embarrassed and miserable. What is a girl to do, may as well give up, nothing was working.

Sunday I put on these shorty shorts, not tight short shorts but loose, comfy shortish shorts which covered the excess skin that hangs from the thights but showed off these muscular defined golden brown legs. Legs Michelle Bridges helped my uncover from the tree stumps they used to be. Legs that were made possible for the 12wbt program. So like I am inspired by these legs, they are damn hot thank you very much. Not sure when that happened. And can I say that the photo competition this week should really include a photo of my legs! Just saying, they are inspirational.

So I looked at my legs and I thought 'aren't these worth keeping going for, do you really want tree stumps again?' and I dont. I dont want tree stumps, I love these golden brown muscular shapely legs that somehow have been uncovered on my body. Very cool. Time to find time to exercise.

but again I woke this morning overtired and unable to get out of bed despite an early night. I was struggling. I came home from work and went for a run! Yes I did. I ran for 33minutes doing a run I have never run completely before today because the hills kill me (or do they?) and I came home to hubby cooking the 12wbt pork dish! Oh yeah baby. And after dinner I did the 12wbt advanced week three Monday outdoor workout in my lounge (yes you can do that).

Who the hell thought turkish get ups were a good idea? I had so wanted to give them a go but by the fourth one I was struggling. how the hell I managed three sets of fifteen is beyond me. Please lets not have them again soon.

So under 1200cals, a run and a workout. Am I back on track? Only time will tell. I have to work more late nights this week so not overly hopeful about the exercise but I shall perservere.

I have great legs!

the day before weigh in and all through the land........

we were worrying about whether we had done enough! Had we exercised enough, had we consumed the right amount of all the healthy foods available, had we eaten any no nos and what would the weigh in day show.....oh we were worrying, at least I was and yet I have been almost good. Almost!

Finally did some exercise today, so damn hot thought it would kill me but of course it didn't. I turned on that Tight Toned and Terrific dvd for Michelle to egg me on and enourage me. It gets easier each time but those damn push ups and tripush ups are designed to hurt me every damn time. Can anyone keep up with those? Anyway it is done and I could have done more but it is late and I am glad to have done something. I always think if I did cardio the night before weigh in I would get a better loss but that is not the way the 12wbt program runs, Tuesday is toning day! So I toned and lifted those damn weight and have shaky arms for my trouble. I know that in the long term I need this to build the muscles to boost the metabolism. I know it but sometimes I worry it is not going to be enough. Seriously after three full rounds you think I would trust the process by now. I trust Michelle, I dont trust that I have done enough. When did the goal become so damn important to me???? aagghhh, so much to learn.

Eating, well it was red flag day! I new we were doing yumcha for lunch so I just had stewed apple for breakfast, dinner was chicken and vegies with a smidgeon of the yoghurt dressing which left bloody yum cha. Where I could remove the outer layer I did and I ate nothing that had been fried. Lets hope I did enough to have lost some weight.

Let you know tomorrow!