I'm a fucking drama queen! So it was a bad day/week whatever! Serveral things threw me back to the 'punish yourself' stage and of course I punish with eating. I am so concious of that this morning I almost have it under contol.
So lets see, there was the serious of work emaisl intimating I could do better when I have worked my arse off. I put in extra hours I never claimed for and I wont because I wanted my training to be awesome! I wont nag people for worksheets when they are volunteers and if I push too hard they will run away. I wont do anything to jepardise my success BUT it isn't going fast enough for some. So it is thrown back on me that I can work smarter. I am smart! BUT now I think am I too slow, have I got it wrong, am I good enough????? Now I feel like shit, am doubting myself and second guessing. This sux and I am sad that everyone around me is sad for other things, and I listen and I try to be helpful, thoughtful, thought provoking, anything that will get us through another day. I try to support them. It is draining and I am wondering right at this minute who supports me? So I dont feel worthy or good enough. And nothing anyone says right at this moment will change my self concept because my dad spent years ensuring I would feel this way. I fight years of brainwashing (or was it brainwashing she asks herself, lump in throat).
Roll in home life, supposed haven and soft place to fall but it isn't. Everyone here is yelling, no one helps anyone and yes, failure as a mother springs to mind. Failure as a wife, as a provider, as a housecleaner, as a person! Drama queen maybe but this is seriously hurting me and I want to punish myself for being such a failure. There is chocolate in the fridge, Jason put it there yesterday, he will yell at me if I eat it thereby making me feel even worse about me.
And then there is the chest pain. I didn't run this morning, no SSS for me because I am scared and maybe just a bit lazy. Afterall I am failing at everything else why not this as well. If I could only do push ups until I was dead..........now for the self loathing, enough to have those terrible suicical thoughts, and they are real make not mistake. I have fought this for years, exercise helps but right now I am paralyised with fear and self loathing and an overwhelming sense of failure.
I stuggle that we are a week of from kick off, I have done this three times before and I am still struggling. Still! God when does it all become natural, could someone just help me find my internal switch. Why the hell am I so resistant? Why, after loosing 30kg last year do I still feel a failure at this?????
I hope I am at least fit enough for a fun run, give me something to really work towards. I may have to forgo the Hoffy Burpee Challenge madness but I'll be buggared if I will give up the fun run.
Now if my motivation to eat right was even closely as there as the running I would nail this. I need to nail this! I just need to do it! Please let me have at least one thing I am good at. I need at least one success.